Sad about lost years
I was driving home and I was actually talking with my Dad on how I was passing all of my classes and hopefully in the near future, I could finally have some form of independence and a career. Nothing against him but he sometimes compares me to other people from his job where he works at the factory. Saying things like “There’s thousands of people who do the same as you. Who do you think they’re gonna hire more, someone from Harvard or you in Community College?” I just told him saying that skills/connections and networking play a huge role despite what education you get. I don’t bother to share important parts of my life as much anymore as it’s sad to say because of just bringing me down. I do tell other members of my family like my Grandparents, cousins, friends, etc and they’re all supportive.
It just hit me the other day that it’s now been 20 years since my family first moved in my childhood home. Where I went to Middle School and High School.
Here I am still stuck at home, 20 years late. Except for the brief 6 months of living with a friend but that didn’t go too well and it taught me in the future to have better boundaries. It’s risky to live with a good friend of yours. (Story for another time.)
All of my step brothers have moved out and got their own place/own families and here I am in my early 30s still living at home.
Reminiscing and looking back of how I did decent in Middle School but terrible in High School. Going from not working for long periods of time in my 20s, gaming addiction, and hopping from low wage job to another without purpose.
I didn’t even get my license until I was about a year before 30 due to me being too scared to do anything. Which I know caused me plenty of opportunities like hanging out with friends more and traveling. Living in America, you’re extremely limited if you don’t have your license since most areas don’t have good public transportation and if they do, it’s limited. Ubers and taxis are a bit expensive over time and add up.
I’ve started Community College at 30 and I’m a Sophomore now and I’m currently majoring in Computer Science. It won’t be too long before I decide on what University that I decide to go too. I’m really debating on something abroad. A tad skeptical of my major since the current Tech job markets rough due to constant layoffs, AI, and so forth. Probably debating on another major that’s in good demand but still keep CS as a minor since programming is still fun to do as a hobby.
As of these past few months, I’ve been debating on wanting to become an English Teacher and to teach abroad. Eying different countries like from China to Japan to many other several countries. Mostly considering Japan due to wanting to experience their culture and it has always been a dream of mine to go and explore there. Even to live there for a couple of years.
Nothing wrong with living in my hometown and being with family but I really want to just get out and to explore. I know there will be a time where I’ll have an opportunity to do so, and knowing some of my family members being as overprotective as they are/worried for me, I’ll set my foot down and say to them that I’ll be fine and that I’m not a kid anymore.
Since being in my early 30s, you can say I’m still “relatively young” but since progressing further into my 30s, I’ve realized that time is an actual thing and I won’t be here forever. I remember feeling that I had all the time in the world throughout my 20s when I’ve kept pushing things off year by year and didn’t realize these were the prime years I’ve could’ve used to build something for myself.
But all I did was sit on my ass and played so many video games. I knew getting a PS4 back in late 2013 was a mistake. Despite making some fun memories with online friends where I don’t hear from much anymore, I could’ve used that time to do more for myself in real life. Even if I played in moderation up until 2015 and stopped completely altogether.
Now I hear I am about 20 years later. Yes I do have my license now, a paid off vehicle, $17 an hour job, in Community College, and decent savings. In my Early 30s.
Still living in my family home and it feels like I never left or grew up. Still “frozen in time” and the streets of my childhood are not the same anymore as the winds of time move forward but I’m just here…left behind. Everything moved on without me.
As I close my eyes, I do realize on how bad gaming can be and that it can turn into an addiction. Anything can be bad. But the precious and entirety of my 20s is long gone and something I can never or forever get back.
I only have a Switch 2 now and can play in moderation. But knowing I can’t seem to let go of my lost years, I’m not sure if I can ever think of gaming the same way ever again.
I love my family and don’t get me wrong they’re great people, but I want to experience true independence where I don’t have to worry about money as much and can still relatively get by. I know they’re not going to live forever but when I do leave and officially go out on my own, at least I know I have a home to go too if things don’t work out or if plans change.
All I can do now is keep moving forward and try not to be in the same position in the next 10 years. Being a middle aged man and reminiscing on how “I’ve lost my 30s.”