u/OrangeCouch1

Hi friends,

I am a late bloomer lesbian but haven't been in a relationship yet. Recently I have told a woman that I am lesbian. I see her once in a while, in a semi professional setting.

When I told her about it, she asked questions like how did you find out, have you ever been in love with a woman, etc. We talked about it and she seemed to understand really clearly that long before I came out it didn't feel like being lesbian was an 'option'. It felt like I just didnt like men and that was it (my mom was very homophobic). She put the words in my mouth and i was like YESS and she was really happy for me that I came out.

Since then I see her sometimes, but not often. We see each other at the workplace. I dont know if I'm imagening things ..... but she is acting different around me. She is suddenly touchy. She touched my shoulder and my waist while we talked (VERY) briefly in between work. She also said I could call her anytime, but this was after I asked her something and she told me Id better call another because they know more about the issue I was asking about. Also she seems to get a little nervous when we look into eachothers eyes abit longer when we speak. Maybe i am imagening things and im just sinking away in her eyes haha, but she does seem different. She is older than me and has been single for many many years.

Why would she be doing this? Why would someone suddenly become touchy?

When i was young my dad used to bathe me but i remember this one time when he touched me and it was weird. It was different than normal. I was about 5 years old i think.

He dried me with a towel and i was dry, but i was still naked because i guess i just wasnt dressed yet. I was standing in front of him and suddenly he moved his hand through my ass cheeks. From down to up. And it shook me. As small as i was, it really shook me. It was sudden, he wasnt touching me but still suddenly got his hand between my ass cheeks. I got scared and told my mom about it. I remember my mom looking at me, saying okaaaay, taking it seriously (i think she got scared) and got into a huge fight with my dad. Since then my dad didn't bathe me anymore.

Im still very unsure about what kind of act this was from my dad, and also if its been traumatic for me. Any advice, ideas, thoughts?

When i just started therapy i started realizing that what i thought about my past wasnt the truth. I realized and remembered a LOT in a few weeks and ofcourse this set my world upside down. I went back to therapy, being all triggered for days and basically scared to do anything. I felt a lot in those weeks, emptiness, emotions, identity, didn't regocnize myself in the mirror, almost couldnt sleep, nightmares..

In this particular therapy session i experienced a lot of dissociation, for example derealisation and depersonalisation. It felt very normal for me at the moment so i didnt even talk with my therapist about it by then, i just tried to act normal, as always. Although i had cried and told her i was scared etc. We went on to do a bunch of questions and talked about things. It was not really triggering if i look at it objectively.

What happend after an hour or so was that i had to look at her do something but i felt such big shame, my body got so weak. I was hanging like a dead doll over the table and couldnt control it. I think i almost didnt see anything anymore. After that i had a normal moment of sitting upright, but i felt very strange. As if i was feeling everything i could possibly feel at the same time, sinking in myself and getting ripped apart. My therapist regocnized it and looked at my briefly and sighted, after which i lost consciousness.

The next thing i know is she singing for me or something. I dont know how long it took me but i woke up reaaaal slow and it took me a while to regain consciousness. I remember i saw my hand and i was like Oh i have a hand. After a while i woke up, went on like nothing happend and went home.

After 3 or 4 days i woke up in the morning and was preparing to go to work, when suddenly my body regained a deeper kind of consciousness? I stopped, was shaking, felt so intense, started laughing. I was like wtf is happening? It felt like my body woke up. I had no autopilot anymore, i felt so intense. Since that day it feels like a lot of dissociation suddenly disappeared and everything was so bright and loud. Integration of this experience was real slow. After about 8 weeks i finally realized what happend to me. In these weeks my thinking was a mess and my head could get real silent (normally inside my head there is chaos).

It feels like i almost died in that session and i feel like a new person since then. I also remembered more and more about my past and traumas after this, and my health got so much better. My tinnitus stopped, my body feels better, soms allergies stopped, but i do feel A LOT of emotions comparing to before it. I feel like this session had changed me so much and its really like some kind of rebirth. Not saying im suddenly healed, i am faaar from healed and its still a rollercoaster, but it changed me and opened me in a way i could not have imagined before starting therapy.

I am looking for someone with similar experiences or someone that can give me some information about what this is or what its called :) what do you think?