u/Original_Clerk2916

My bf (adhd) and I (AuDHD) have a 2 year old daughter (so far, shockingly neurotypical lol). Both of us struggle with keeping up with everything cleaning-wise, which is made worse by the fact that we both suffer from chronic pain 🫠 For the last few weeks, we’ve had a fruit fly problem that will. Not. Go. Away. Fruit flies will find the ONE hidden smushed strawberry underneath the rug and multiply like CRAZY. This means that we have to be EXTREMELY clean and tidy. Trash needs to be collected and tossed every day. Dishes need to be done asap, so no leaving them in the sink for even one night. Leftovers need to be stored the second they’re done cooking. And I am SO tired.

No matter what, without fail, we miss ONE thing every day. Just one. One day, it was a smushed tomato at the bottom of a bag. Another day it was an UNOPENED box of donut holes. Not joking, we had never even opened it!! We cannot keep bread out whatsoever, because they dig THROUGH THE BAG to get to it. Like we’ve tossed 3-4 loafs of UNOPENED bread. And we’re POOR. So it especially sucks.

My toddler LOVES fruit. She’s a fruit queen. She would eat 3 bananas a day if we let her. She also loves fresh veggies. So this means that when she wants an apple, I have to take it out of the fridge (cause it obviously can’t be left out), peel the apple, cut the apple, toss the peel and core in a sealed ziplock bag, rinse the peeler, the cutting board, and the knife, give it to her, and then pick up the disgusting half-eaten pieces the SECOND she’s done with them. It is EXHAUSTING!!

Even on my BEST day, I have roughly 1/3 of the amount of energy a “normal” healthy person my age has. I’m 25, and my memory is that of a 70 year old. Not just from the adhd, but the brain fog from chronic pain seriously messes with my ability to remember anything. On top of that, I HATE getting any part of my body or clothing wet when it’s not “supposed to be.” Like if I’m getting in the pool, that’s fine, but if I’m washing dishes and a spoon slashes some water on my shirt? Game over. I am just so tired of all of this!!! My bf is wonderful and helps a ton, and he honestly does way more than 50% of the childcare, but he’s unmedicated, so we’re both forgetting stuff all over the house, and we’re both in a pain flare right now! Ughhhh

For reference, I have a host of medical issues and am currently being assessed for EDS, MCAS, and POTS. I also had really bad HG during my entire pregnancy, which has led to emetaphobia.

Part of the biggest issue during pregnancy was that I felt as though my stomach wouldn’t digest the food I ate. If I managed to eat something, I felt like it would sit at the bottom of my throat. This was also confirmed by my (trigger warning) vomiting up completely undigested food many hours afterwards, if I had managed to keep the food down at first. Like, and I know this is gross, fully formed ramen noodles etc.

I was talking to a friend about her gastroparesis, and she described the exact same feeling. For years, what’s helped her is taking digestive enzymes, which break down the food so that it can actually move down her digestive tract and be properly digested.

So I was wondering, has anyone tried digestive enzymes for HG? And if so, did they help? Curious because a) HG is absolutely horrific, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and b) it’s one of the reasons I may never have another child, because I am so traumatized still at 2 years pp that even the idea of being pregnant makes me nauseous

If you’re about to have a c section and want to hear happy, positive birth stories, skip this one.

I had a really tough pregnancy. Hyperemisis gravidarum (threw up every day, couldn’t keep food down), then gestational diabetes (I know, it makes absolutely no sense how you can become diabetic during pregnancy when you cannot even EAT), then gestational hypertension that came on very randomly very late in pregnancy, and finally, pre eclampsia. I’m someone who knows my body, and I had all the symptoms of pre e. My OB’s office kept telling me to go to labor and delivery when I’d have a high blood pressure reading, L&D would do bloodwork, and then they’d send me home. Finally, after a week and a half of literally going in daily, at the insistence of my OB, my bloodwork was bad enough that they decided to induce me.

I tried everything. Foley bulb, pitocin, anything else you can think of, but after 3 days in labor and 24 hour after my water had broken, the doctors told me I needed a c section. The one thing I was absolutely terrified of.

They took me into the OR, and I was panicking so badly that I had one nurse holding each hand, trying to calm me down. The doctor said I couldn’t get anxiety meds because it could make the baby sleepy. I begged them over and over again to put me under general, because I can handle a lot, but being awake during surgery is NOT something I will ever be even slightly okay with. They wouldn’t put me under general, which logically I understand, but I was so not okay. Then I got this wave of what felt like a sedative or something, still unclear what it was, and I was fighting to keep my eyes open. My baby was born, and she was silent. I kept asking “is she breathing?” Over and over and over again. Apparently my boyfriend told me again and again that she was breathing, but I have no memory of that, and no memory of hearing her cry. She was perfectly fine, just stunned, which makes sense because she did everything she could to stay inside my body lmao!

I had always dreamed of that moment after I had pushed my child out of my body where the doctor would place her on my chest, and I’d just know that this was the little being who had been growing inside me for 9 months. Instead, I was fighting for consciousness (I absolutely hate feeling like I’m not in control, so I’d rather be fully awake, awake but with anxiety meds that I’ve had before (I have had multiple of them before and know how they affect me, but this was NOT that), or fully unconscious. The in-between half conscious state I was in was absolutely terrifying. I remember how scared I was trying so hard to stay awake to meet my baby while also panicking so much that I had to be cut open while I was awake. I have very little memory of actually meeting my baby, but I have very vivid memories of the way I felt during all of this.

After she was born, I was not able to even start bonding properly with her because of how much pain I was in. I couldn’t walk for 2 weeks. I was in bed the entire time, aside from trying to hobble to the bathroom and her nursery, and I wasn’t able to take care of her at all. I genuinely wanted to unalive myself for the first week and a half, but I thankfully have the best therapist in the world, who helped me rationalize with my postpartum brain, and by the end of the first 2 weeks, I was doing a LOT better.

My daughter is my entire world. She is everything I have ever wanted and more. The way I feel when she looks at me and smiles is indescribable. She is worth all of the pain, the two years of infertility, all of it. But the memory of her birth is something that even after 2 years of finally being a mom, I’m still unable to think about without panicking. I feel like the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience was taken from me. Nothing about being a mom is disappointing to me, but EVERYTHING about my pregnancy, birth, and postpartum recover was and still is so incredibly upsetting and disappointing. I know that all that “should” matter to me is that I have a healthy incredible baby, and I feel selfish for sitting here crying thinking about what was supposed to be the best day of my life, but I can’t help it.

I’ve tried so hard to heal from this. I’m in therapy twice a week (I’ve been in therapy for over a decade now), and I’m trying a new medication, but I am still so traumatized and sad about the way everything happened. I’m sad that other moms can remember meeting their baby. I’m sad that other moms felt joy when they first met their child. I’m sad that I didn’t really even get to “be” a mom until 2 weeks after my baby was born. And I’m really really really sad that I’m so incredibly terrified to ever have another child. Originally, I wanted 4 kids. Now, I don’t know if I can handle having a second.

It probably doesn’t help that most of the moms in my daughter’s daycare class are pregnant. Or that all of them look so happy and functional, whereas I was puking my guts up and miserable and basically bed-bound my whole pregnancy, only to be bed-bound for another 2 weeks and in searing pain when I was supposed to be bonding with my child.

I know how I “should” feel, but I just don’t feel that way. I look at my daughter and think “I’d do this all over again a million times for YOU, but I don’t know if I could do this all over again for any other baby,” and that makes me sad.

I just want some virtual hugs.

My toddler just started daycare 2 weeks ago. None of us have ever had Covid. Until now. I’m so exhausted and frustrated. I had extra work scheduled this week so I could make some extra cash to buy my toddler some presents for her second bday, and my bf had many hours of work scheduled to make rent. Last night, we got a message from the daycare that someone tested positive, so we immediately bought some tests. I haven’t been feeling well but figured it was just some icky daycare cold, and my toddler is perfectly fine. Bf isn’t feeling great but not nearly as bad as I am.

Well, toddler and I tested positive, somehow bf tested negative, but considering he has a sore throat and sinus crud as well, we’re assuming he’s positive too. Toddler is completely fine, aside from a runny nose yesterday. Well, now neither of us can work, and toddler can’t go to daycare. So not only no extra income but not enough at all AND no childcare. I want to cry, but it hurts to just breathe 😭 I know she’s only turning 2 and won’t remember, and we can ask for some toys in a local buy nothing group, but it just makes me feel like a crap mom. This was also my only week off from online grad school, and now it’s spent in bed with chills and a sore throat.

I figured we’d get sick since she’s never been to daycare before, but I didn’t think we’d get COVID FOR THE FIRST TIME in the first TWO WEEKS 😭 ughhhhhh! Parents of toddlers, please tell me it gets better with time in daycare!! It also especially sucks because we FINALLY got over the hump of “stranger danger” at daycare. My usually VERY happy baby was SCREAMING at drop off, and it was breaking my heart. However, the last time she was dropped off, she actually REACHED for her teacher like so excited!! 🥹🥹 it was so sweet, and now I’m worried she’ll regress when she goes back…

TW: discussion of traumatic birth and infertility

My daughter is almost 2 now, for reference, and I had HG the entire pregnancy (threw up from 6 weeks to the day I delivered her). I have a lot of ptsd from it, for many reasons (not just the HG, we almost got evicted multiple times because I had to quit my job due to HG, was dealing with multiple family issues, chronic pain, developed gestational diabetes despite being unable to eat, and then had a very unwanted c section after a failed 3 day induction, etc), so we will not even consider the idea of having a second until she’s in elementary school. Just the idea of pregnancy makes me nauseous, and I have residual psychological nausea (ptsd).

Despite this, I’m just so sad seeing the other moms in her class pregnant. Not just pregnant, but pregnant and FUNCTIONING. Being a mom is literally all I’ve ever wanted in life, and my daughter is genuinely a unicorn baby. She’s my rainbow baby after 2 years of infertility, and she’s actually the easiest baby I’ve ever met. I was a nanny for close to a decade before having her, so I don’t say that as a mom blinded by love, I say that seriously. She started sleeping through the night at 3 months old. She rarely cries. She almost NEVER wakes up before 9:30 in the morning. And she’s so social and happy.

She’s such a joy, and I feel so sad that I may never give her a sibling. Given my history of infertility at a young age, I know that it’s possible that I genuinely won’t be able to get pregnant again. Seeing other pregnant women living like normal human beings makes me want to cry because I am just so jealous. I am absolutely beyond attached to my daughter now, but because of how pregnancy was, plus having a c section (I had imagined her birth a million times, but I had never imagined I’d be having a massive panic attack and have to have so much anxiety medicine I was barely conscious when she was born), I didn’t feel a connection to her when she was first born. I was in so much pain for the first 2 weeks that I feel like I missed out on so much.

It feels so unfair. I’m in therapy (have been for many years), but it still just hurts. It feels like my body failed me in so many ways, and I want so badly to WANT to be pregnant again, but I legitimately could not stop gagging at the THOUGHT of pregnancy. I know some of this is just me being irrational, but I feel like HG stole something from me, something I wanted so badly, and I just wish I could be one of those people who just forgets all the bad parts of pregnancy.

For reference, we are very low income, and my daughter’s grandmother offered to cover the cost of daycare while I go back to school and pursue a master’s degree. I know we are very very fortunate to be able to send our daughter to the school, and I’m really excited for her, but I can’t help but feel really out of place among the other parents.

The specific daycare she’ll be attending is mostly made up of high income families (thankfully the cost of her attendance is not super high in comparison to other daycares because she’ll only be going part time, and we got a discount). I am also considered a young mom (mid twenties), so I think some of my worries come from being perceived (mainly by family) as inexperienced/immature. However, I have almost a decade of experience working with children, and my current degree is in psychology, with a specific focus on child development, so I do know more about parenting than the average person my age.

That being said, I feel rather intimidated by the other parents. So far they seem very nice, but I worry that I’ll “mess up” somehow and they’ll realize how poor we are. As a side note, our daughter has NEVER suffered due to our finances, she always has everything (if not more) than she needs, and I’m very good at finding the best deals online/buying nice things second-hand, so she likely won’t even know we’re struggling financially until she’s much older, by which time I hope to be in a much better spot due to the degree I’m currently working towards. From the outside, there’s nothing that would “give it away” that her parents are poor. Maybe my worries are silly, but I just can’t help but feel kind of embarrassed/inferior in comparison to the other parents

ETA: my main goal isn’t to pretend I’m wealthier than I am. I really just want my child to be accepted by others. Part of the reason I’m so concerned about this is because I’m on the spectrum, but not noticeably so— I went undiagnosed until adulthood because I do a good enough job masking to not typically show my neurodivergence, but not good enough that I don’t find myself with my foot in my mouth a lot of the time. I work really hard to try to figure out what the social limitations are, but I sometimes fall short in recognizing when I’ve said something that’s bothered someone or when I’ve offended someone in some way. It’s the combination of this plus feeling out of place in terms of finances that’s made me so nervous about this situation. I just don’t want my daughter to miss out on things like play dates with other kids because of me.

For some background, I’m a late diagnosed AuDHD mom. So far, my toddler (almost 2yrs old) hasn’t shown many signs of neurodivergence. I’m trying my best not to read too much into her behavior, as I’m very sensitive to signs of neurodivergence because of the struggles I went through being undiagnosed until 24.

She recently started smacking herself on the head. At first, she did it a couple times when she was upset, and I guess I made the mistake? of reacting to it. Now, it seems she does it to elicit a response from me, usually in a “funny” way? Like she looks at me, smiles, and does it. It’s usually not very hard, but it bothers me because I never want her to hurt herself.

I have a background in child psych, but I’ve never dealt with this before. She also has a tendency to smack herself in the stomach when she gets upset/bored. She doesn’t currently do it for our reaction though.

Do I stop reacting? Should I say something else?