u/OrphanagePropaganda

I don’t know if rant posts are allowed but I’m here from Google. I’ve considered the possibility of being asexual since I was in highschool but always wrote it off because I’ve always masturbated and frequently get horny and up until 6 months into my current relationship, had really great sex almost every day. (We’ve been together almost 2 years, and before him I’d never had enjoyable sex ever. It was at best occasionally tolerable, hence the questioning when I was a teenager). I read the pie post and I’m like 4 of them idk. I really don’t mean offense when I say this but I kind of just didn’t know if asexuality existed at all if there has to be 25 different sub classifications with all of these exceptions. I kind of just thought there was either the “true” NO sex NO horny ace, or any other form of it just must be trauma or some physical disorder or mental obstacle. And so I’ve been focusing on those 3 things without considering that maybe this is who I will always be no matter how hard I try not to.

But yeah I always had a feeling that the great sex in my relationship was just temporary. I was a very scared that this was just the honeymoon phase and I’d soon revert back to my old ways… I did.

I’m not going to get into details because it’s too much but I just feel like my otherwise very good relationship is hanging by a thread because he needs sex often and I need sex never and this isn’t something that feels healthy to compromise on. I am currently not giving him any sexual intimacy and I feel horrible about it and the constant stress and resetting of the sex-clock is just as bad as actually having sex itself. So my life right now is just never ending guilt. I don’t know what happened. It just all of the sudden went from “amazing” to “I want to bite his tongue off when he’s kissing me and punch him and claw my own eyeballs out”. I guess I’ve always been scared/disgusted of penises but I thought it was something I’d grow out of with exposure. It’s definitely not going away. It genuinely has nothing to do with anything specific to my boyfriend and that’s the most frustrating part. He doesn’t understand, and despite him saying he does, he’s always just gonna think I’m not sexually attracted to him when I am and I tell him this. This post is moreso just a rant because for the path month I’ve been existential knowing that this otherwise beautiful relationship (seriously, I wanted to marry this dude) probably now has to end when our lease ends. I don’t know, I’ll talk to him about it because I’ve literally just tonight realized that I probably am just asexual (it’s been in my subconscious but yeah), but it’s really devastating. I feel like I’ll never find love like this again. He checked all of the boxes and I just feel like men who check all the boxes are never going to be asexual. I almost wish I didn’t meet him at all because this is the most devastating and stressful scenario I’ve ever put myself in. People think it’s stupid to say “I’ll never find love again” (it’s me, I’m people) because they always do… but sometimes people really don’t. Sometimes your spouse dies and you never find anyone else who you can be happy with. Sometimes the one who got away really was the one who got away. And sometimes you’re ace and no man you’ll ever have the chance of meeting and have compatible life circumstances with will check your necessary boxes AND be ace as well. It feels like there genuinely is a significant possibility that this is true. And obviously I don’t even want to think about dating again at all right now either but that fact is selfishly making me suppress all of these emotions because I know I’d be losing someone extremely valuable.

I’ve definitely considered the possibility that I have unknown childhood sexual trauma. This was my first theory actually before asexuality. But I just… really don’t think I do. I am going to try to find a therapist under my insurance in the next week or two just to see if *maybe* this *is* actually something wrong with my body that I can fix or unresolved trauma that can heal. I have had OCD for my entire life and am questioning autism and this also plays a massive role which was making me write off asexuality as well, but again I just can’t see a reality where treatment suddenly makes me a sexual person. Especially since I have a pretty decent handle on my mental illness already.

But yeah… I guess if anyone has experience in my situation any advice would be appreciated. Is there hope for us? He’s extremely patient and the most communicative person ever (ironically a therapist) and he’s been a saint in this regard. He’s just put up with extremely little/no sex for the last year. He’s put up with the elephant in the room that I spend all my energy hiding from. Obviously he doesn’t deserve this. But I don’t know, I still want to hope that maybe there’s some compromise. :(

Also I’m an avid dinosaur gamer and I’m usually on the dinosaur side of Reddit so I was really confused about why everyone here is always mad at allosauruses.