u/Outrageous-Chart-357

I hope you found out that not only can I cook, but I can also teach you how to cook. Even through your hard headedness. Without becoming Gordon Ramsey in Hell's Kitchen.

But I guess, that isn't something you really want. From me, at least. I get it. The unchecked boxes overshadows the checked ones. But I really really really hope you find someone who will teach you even if you're insistent and hard headed.

Someone who would make it fun in the kitchen, and not turn you off to cooking.

When I was a kid, I didn't really have a bad experience. I bet most people would even think it was normal. But the thing is I wasn't normal. When I grew older, I found out what I was. I was naturally intelligent with afinitty to spacial(riot word, space) things. I wasn't really book intelligent. I mean, memorization wasn't easy for me. But I absorb information, especially kinetic information, like a sponge.

Like, we were thaught long division when I was 8 or 9 years old. I'm 43 now, so 35 years later, I can still do long division. And I'm not connected to the academia.

A lot of times in High School gave me a sense of deja vu. Like I've been there before, or I've seen that before. Mostly because I have, when I was younger and I didn't know I was taking in information.

So, I'm not normal. My IQ scores would reinforce that. I also have ADHD. Maybe I developed it to cope as a kid with this things I could do that normal people can't.

My childhood trauma stems from people WANTING me to be normal. Like them. I get that. But I wasn't normal. And that made me feel unwanted. Only kept around because it's what is expected of them. Kept around out of obligation.

Nobody really tried, with me.

Maybe it was the intelligent thing to do. Or maybe it was the logical thing to do. A long time ago, I decided that I won't spread how I felt. To treat others like how I wanted to be treated. Then, when I got a kid, I promised that I won't treat her like I was treated, stifled because it was different. Then I got a neice, who sort of started showing that her mind was different from everyone else in her family. So I decided that I won't let others stiffle her to. That, with me, she will never feel like she had to hide her quirks and grow better than I did.

So, this thing I do, it's not performative. I still have a lot of learning to do when It comes to what I can do(I think, it's not like there's a manual)(I was stiffled for so long) so I help raise people up because that was what I hope was done to me. I am trying to raise people's critical thinking because a lot people seemed to have devolved into normallizing bad things. I have actively been trying not to make people feel alone in their difference.

Just wow. I am in awe of where you are in your journey.

Sure, I would have loved to have been a part of it. But I'm not. And that's OK.

I said it before, my feelings for you will NEVER be dependent on your returning of my feelings. I'm not like the others. I WILL NEVER require anyone to love me. It's a whole thing in my growing up. I never really felt wanted. I always felt like people just keep me around out of this sense of responsibility or obligation or necause it's the thing other people expects them to do. Performative love. But if they had a choice, they would never want me.

That's why I always assume people won't choose me. Because, nobody ever did. It made life easier, accepting that they only need me around when it's convinient.

But you never really wanted me. Nor have I made myself indispensable. So there's that. But I still have feelings for you.

And I am glad about where you are.

I dreamt of you yesterday. It was weird because nothing much happened in the dream. All we did was hang out. Talk about non-sense. Laugh about silly things. I don't even think I held your hand. But that was the dream, both literally and figuratively. We'd just have fun and forget about the world.

What was weird about it? I still remember it. I usually forget my dreams after a few hours of waking up. Not this one though. The second dream about you. The first one was weirder because I was still hang up on someone else and I wasn't really thinking about you. Ok, I wasn't thinking about you at all. Yet in the dream, I proposed, and you said yes, and we were happy. (Other stuff, wholesome stuff, happened that made us happy.)

What does that say about me that, subconsciously, I think about you in a wholesome way? What does it say about me thinking about what I think? I'm all the way weird, aren't I?

Yet, how romantic is it that I think about you this way, huh? Like, a lot of guys probably say they think about you in a dirty ways, but I don't, apparently. Apparently, my subconscious thinks it's more intimate when we're happy with just regular stuff.

Also, how could a guy think it's not fate, when I'm not thinking about you and then I suddenly get engaged to you and am happy about it?

Waking up early again is such a bother again, now that I don't have greeting you to look forward to. I know you don't care for it, that's why I stopped. I care too much about how you feel to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

And that's the thing I noticed these days. A lot of people ignore other's feelings. I hope it's something you find, somrone who will respect you. Not just your emotions but also your well being. I sincerely want that for you.

It's that straightforward. In a world where straightforward seems to be out of style, I will always be straightforward.

Yes, you're cute. And beautiful. And amazing. Whoever you will choose or have chosen, I hope knows how lucky he is. And that you deserve the love you have been longing for.

In less than 12 hours now, it's going to be my birthday. Barring anyone tagging me in their posts tomorrow, only my family and close friends will know.

My plea is that I hope she greets me. Directly. At least a message. That's all I really want for my birthday. Now I know it's a longshot. But it is up to whoever to rig this to my favor. I hope, even if it's hopeless.

I love this show, How I Met Your Mother. It's this Rom-com sitcom where the protagonist has a lot of views on love that are tge same as mine. Hopless romanticism, but he's not hopeless. My only real issue was the ending where Mother died after waiting 9 seasons for her.

But I found out one of the bonus feature in the DVD was an alternate ending where Mother didn't die.

"It was a long road. You can say that it was a really, really, really long road.(9 seasons long. When seasons were 20+ episodes long.) But difficult? Naaahhh... It was life. Things happen in life.---I can't help but be amazed at how easy it all really was."

And that was beautiful to me. That after everything, all the troubles, all the challenges, all the heartbreaks, all the s*** that life gave you, that you can just look back and say it was easy. Easy, not because it's done and you're just saying it to make yourself look tough. Easy because it was all worth going through all that so you could end up with her. Going through all the difficulties was worth it because of her.

I want that.

"Funny how sometimes, you just, find things."

After all this time, I refuse that that is still the case. But it seems to be still tge case. Them saying that they want the nice, the quiet life, the no need to train for domisticated stuff, the home buddy, the not very out going, is just talk. They still want the project, the adventure, the manly man, the bluster.

But I get it. Most people are just all talk. I may not be perfect, but I'd like to think that I tick the boxes that matter.

It is still just...annoying... that after decades, nice is still equated to weak. That being able to do domesticated house stuff, still counts as soft(even when most people don't even know how to work the microwave.)

Even though that's how I'm percieved, I still choose to be nice. Because, most people don't know, most nice people went through a kind of darkness that they CHOSE to be nice because they do not want to add to the darkness out in the world anymore.

So I'll be here. Keeping my love for you to myself. Just loving you from a distance. Wishing that you find a love that will love you like I do. Yet hopelessly waiting for you to realize that what I offer is what you wanted.

I know you have your reasons to block me. Heck I have reasons for you to not talk to me. It would have been enough if you just talked to me, but I get it. Not talking is easier for you. But I still want to love you. I'm hopeless like that. And I really do NOT plan to fall or meet anyone else. I'm old, an almost shut in, and an introvert who doesn't really like, or understand, socializing. So I will love you from a distance. I really wish you find someone who will love you like I do. You know, consitently there. When you need psychological help, he's there to comfort you. When you have a thing, he's there to support you. When you message him, he'll get back to you right away. Update you everytime. Not to ask permission, but to calm your mind.

god, I love you. But I get it, you can't. We can't really control who we fall for after all.

I can't promise the world. Nor can I promise an abundant life. But there is one thing I can promise, I won't cheat.

You see, my father was a womanizer. When I was about 10, he used me to cover for him. I think he thought, because I was a kid, I would forget and I wouldn't find out. But that, becaume traumatic for me. I couldn't cheat. I saw what it did to my mom.

I never told anyone about it. My family doesn't even know why I hated my father, and never talked to him in his deathbed.

If that's not enough, I'm also not a very social person. I only go out at night when I absolutely need to. Otherwise, I'm just at home playing with my computer or watching something. And if I do go out, it's for sure only with friends. I don't really have the need to know new people so I barely talk to them. Anti-social, probably, but it is what it is. And I guess, that's why people think I'm boring to talk to.

But trauma and social ineptness is your security for me NOT cheating, I hope that means something.

I will never fall for the things you think makes you attractive. Those are just things I like about you. What I will love is how you get mad or shout at people. How you sleep. How you eat. How you act around your pets(who will NEVER judge you, not with words at least...) How your eyebrows come together while you're losing in games. How stupidity stresses you out. How you wear the most unattractive shirts when you just want to stay at home and just be yourself. Basically how you are in real life without judgement. Those, I will fall for.

Stupid? Probably. But romantics are like that, I guess.

I know today must hurt for you. But you CHOOSING to be happy while remembering your father... dude... You didn't look as if you were carrying a weight anymore. That's nice. Our choices say a lot about who we are, and you choosing to be there, to talk to your dad, that is just... so you... I hope this happiness continues. Because, even if you or everyone else thinks it's performative, I genuinely hope for your happiness. Because, for me, loving you doesn't mean being possessive. Loving you means seeing your genuine smile even if that smile isn't because of me.

Maybe, just maybe, they think you're too good for them and they think better for them means less than you...

I never understood why people would be happier if I reacted like everyone else, when time and again, I have shown that I could rise up beyond my fears, anger, and sadness. I am a monster, probably. But an emotionless monster, and NOT the monster under your bed type. Like when my ex said she was cheating on me and she chose him, all I said was OK. I was NOT unaware that I was not in a position to fight for her. I had already lost when she told me anyway. I don't see the point in making things difficult by having a fight. And I did still care for her to want her to be happy. And it was clear then that I wan't making her happy anymore. I chose civility for our kid rather than make things more difficult for our kid. But it didn't sit well with my ex. And she probably told stuff to the other guy making me more evil than I was. Maybe that's why things devolved the way it went.

​

I don't really like talking about my past. But I don't hide it either. I think being reserved and hiding stuff from my past will only do me disservice. It was a bad thing, sure, but it is a part of me. I went through it, lying to myself, or anyone else would NEVER change that.

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Anyway...

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Hi. I f***ing miss you. I hope you're doing well. Getting the perspective I think you need. I hope it's just my imagination but it seems like you have LESS online presence. Like there are accounts you are totally ignoring now. And you are not as open now. I hope I didn't do that. That's the last thing I want, for you to be less yourself. But since this connection is just supposed to be my imagination, and I'm not even good enough to be a friend, nothing should have changed for you. But despite your feelings for me, I still care for you a whole deal. Most people will probably be angry, lash out, and say bad things. I'm NOT most people. I hope that is understood.

I miss greeting you every day. I miss seeing your smile. I miss looking into your eyes. I miss you. Just you.

Tranlated lyrics

It's not a one-to-one translation. I'm not a lyricist. I'll try to translate it like telling a story.

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'Di ko inakalang napasubok mo

Ang pusong sumugal sa taong tulad mo

(I can't belive you made my heart risk loving a person like you)

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Oh, tila tala makapiling ka na sana

Ikaw ang pinapantasya sa bawat kanta

(Oh, you're like a star that I can only fantasize being with, with every song.)

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Daliri ko'y 'di ko na madama

(I can't feel my fingers anymore)

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Ang mga liriko ay nagkaka-tugma

(The lyrics are rhyming/sounding melodic)[Like it's just right, proper, enchanting.]

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Sa'king isang daang tula

(In my one hundred poems)

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Parang isang pelikula

(Like a movie)[There was a romantic movie in my country titled 100 poems for Stella]

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Na tanging ikaw lamang ang paksa

(Where each one, you are the only subject)

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Oh, tinuturing kong

Oh, ang itinuturing akin

(Oh, the one I consider mine)

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Pinipili

(My choice)

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Ikaw ang tanging simulang hindi magwawakas

(You're the only beginning I don't want to end.)

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Oh, tinuturing ko

Oh, ang itinuturing akin

(Oh, the one I consider mine)

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Ituturing sa paraan na

Walang ibang makakaranas

(I will treat/consider you like nobody would ever be treated/considered)

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Akin lang

(My one and only)

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Ang nag-iisa, nag-iisang paksa

(My one and only subject)[The only one worth thinking of]

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Bihag na 'di ko na papakawalan

(Like a prisoner that I won't let go)[My love for you is the prisoner]

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Pag tawag mong pinakainaabangan

(Your call every night, that I always wait for)

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Sa bawat gabi ikaw ang

Huling naririnig bago pa humimbing

(Every night, your voice is the last thing I hear before I sleep)

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Isa-isahin ko pa man ang bituin

Ikaw lang aking hinihiling

(I can count the stars one by one, and wish on all of them will be the same, you.)

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Oh, isang daang tula

(Oh one hundred poems)

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Parang isang pelikula

(Like a movie)

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Na tanging ikaw lamang ang paksa

(Where each ine, you are the only subject)

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Oh, tinuturing kong

Oh, ang itinuturing akin

(Oh, the one I consider mine)

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Pinipili

(My Choice)

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Ikaw ang tanging

Simulang hindi magwawakas

(You're the only beginning I don't want to end.)

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Oh, tinuturing ko

Oh, ang itinuturing akin

(Oh, the one I consider mine)

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Ituturing sa paraan na walang ibang makakaranas

(I will treat/consider you like nobody would ever be treated/considered)

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Hayaan mo sila na makinig

(Let them hear)

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Ikaw ang tanging naririnig

(You're the only one I want to hear)

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Lahat man sila ay makinig

(Even if all of them can hear)[this song]

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Para sa'yo ang aking piling

(All of it, my feelings, are yours and yours alone)

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Isang daang tula

(One hundred Poems)

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Ikaw lang ang paksa

(You're the subject of each one)

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*Paksa=subject

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**I bear no coptright to the song or lyrics. My translation is only based on how I feel the lyrics are saying considering my emotions.

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Look, before coming in, I had accepted that I wasn't gonna fall for anyone anymore. I'm old(middle aged man). I have a kid. I have medical issues. I don't like socializing and I like being alone, so NOT meeting new people was a given. My bagfage is mine alone but I know, if you really love someone, you will share the weight of each other's baggage.

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But then, I fell for you. I didn't mean to. I also know for a fact that no matter how determined you are to keep your standards, there is a chance you'll fall for someone despite those standards.

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Not that you're the total opposite. You are just simply NOT in the mold of those I go for. Went for.

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It's a little funny, actually. Sad and funny at the same time. I never expected you.

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Sad that even fate is mocking me. I really thought there was a connection. But apparently, it was imagined. Thank you, universe for that.

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Oh well, back to the original plan.

I once dreamed of being in an epic love story. That is mostly my reason for loving rom-coms. It's something I only wish I could have. A pipe dream, I'm sure. But it is something to hope for.

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To walk into a crowded room, and see only you. To see you act clumsily. To slowly make my way to your company. To whisk you away from that dreary party and have a fantastic night of just walking and talking. Bid you good night at the crack of dawn. Long to see you again and let you experience things you haven't experienced before. Tell you I loved you the moment I saw you in that crowd.

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Woe is me...