42M dating 42F having problems with her children. Any advice on making the relationship work?
I (42M) am a divorced dad of one daughter (age 10). I am in a relationship with a divorced woman (42F) with two so sons: ages 10 and 13. We have known each other for decades, and began an exclusive romantic relationship about 6 months ago.
I have a good relationship with my daughter, and she gets along great with my girlfriend. My girlfriend’s sons, however, currently have an awful relationship with their mom. They blame her for the divorce. I’ve heard recordings of the father in their ring camera when they were still together openly criticizing the mother to the kids; she would beg him to stop, and he would only continue. He squarely blamed it all on her, and said “mom is going to make us lose the house.”
The kids have adopted his narrative. They are downright hateful to her. They mock her, insult her, threaten her, and disrespect her on a daily basis (she has 50/50
Custody).
So here’s the situation: she wants to move in next year, which is something I’d love. But I absolutely cannot stand her sons. I view them as arrogant, entitled, disrespectful, and weak. I want nothing to do with them. My girlfriend and I are struggling because while her sins are being terrible to her, she doesn’t want to give up on them. On the flip side, I refuse to have these monsters in my home and expose my daughter to them. I truly fear they may attack their mother. So far law enforcement has had to be called twice due to the 13 year olds interactions with the mother.
These boys are becoming a cancer to our relationship. She and I have amazing times together. But whenever the kids come up—which is often—things get tense. She wants to talk about her sons all the time. I mean, I get they are on her mind with all these problems. But I hate these kids; they are not my sons, and I want nothing to do with them. I don’t want to hear about them.
Per usual, she brought them up again today after I had a particularly bad day at work. Literally the first thing I hear upon getting home is what latest insulting thing her sons have done. I asked her if this weekend we could discuss setting a boundary about talking about her sons. That while I understand they are her kids, she needs to understand they are not my kids and I am not interested in revolving my life around another man’s kids, much less awful ones like this. I asked if we could find a mutually acceptable boundary that recognizes those two extremes, which I recognize are in tension.
She basically shut down. She canceled our date night for tomorrow. She got quiet and later told me she is sad and tired. I tried talking ti her but to no avail. At the same
time, she said she still wants to sleep over tomorrow and watch a movie and have wine at home. Not the date night I wanted or that we had planned, but I guess it’s something.
I wish I could just “snap out of it”
And stop hating her kids; but I can’t. She mentioned that her last boyfriend felt the exact same way about her kids and it was a big part of their relationship ending.
It’s hard. I feel so much tension from her right now. Have any of you been through this? Is this relationship doomed? I love this woman; she loves me too. We click amazingly. But her sons have become a huge wedge. I’m unsure if this relationship is viable due to her sons. Any thoughts are quite welcomed.
TLDR: divorced dad dating divorced mom. Mom’s kids are awful and hurting the relationship. Can the relationship survive if the dad can’t stand the mom’s kids?