u/ParkingMagician1578

My boss Will has a growing problem relating to his hygiene.

Recently he's been sharing his newly discovered solution to morning showers.

''Just use a baby wipe. it takes like 2 minutes to clean my whole body"

Will, your body odour is genuinely the only thing that perfectly imitates what depression feels like.

It's genuinely diabolical to me that a human is capable of making such gut churning, car exhaust resembling and death inducing fumes.

Even a skunk would be fucking envious of the musty, dusty, death inducing smells your ass produces.

You harness the smell of every shit filled diaper on earth's surface with the same efficiency a solar panel harnesses the sun's energy.

When you speak the breath that accompanies each word seeping from your mouth, can only be compared to what a punctured septic tank, full of shit, seeps out.

Had to learn gymnastics to dodge those pellets of pure misery and despair shooting at me with the same lethal force of a goddamn cannon ball.

I'll be doing cartwheels, handstands and most likely fucking moonwalking.

Diving off balconies, avoiding the scent bombs like John wick does bullets.

The bullet misses, but as it passes by my face, they radiate the smell of a lactose intolerant pig sty with pigs on a diet of fucking dominos cheese pizza.

The bullet won't kill me, or John wick. But the smell? Cremate us to make sure we're long gone, snort my ashes and get high from the shock and pure adrenaline my body produced before spontaneously combusting at contact.

A deaf man would describe your smell as the one thing he lacks "Noisome" (shit smelling). I'm sure he could hear the fucking smell floating up his nose.

I'm trying to be happy in my life but you're a positivity sucking black hole.

At least you made sure I'd be positively diagnosed with clinical depression.

Hair is supposed to separate, Will.

The hair somehow attached to your head looks a Pandora's box if Pandora had dandruff.

Curious George would be renamed Traumatized Terry after curiously investigating the contents of Wills skull.

The contents he found were endless, because they never started in the first place.

Terry (previously George) 's eyes were met with an empty pit so vast NASA could send a fucking rocket down there and find a new planetary system, each planet with an alien species of skunk that utilized time travel to reach Will's behind and exit in the form of a fart.

Wash ur ass man. God.

My coworker has a slight problem relating to his hygiene.

Multiple times I've heard him proudly tell half the office hes found this amazing shortcut to morning showers.

"Just use a baby wipe, maybe two if you wanna be anal about it"

You smell like an anus yourself, I mean you'd turn an atheist into a Christian, they'd be praying 3x a day.

The smell that lingers in the break room is genuinely the only scent that perfectly imitates what depression feels like.

Every time you speak to me, a waft of God fucking knows what, comes flying into my nostrils.

I have to do the fucking moonwalk to avoid the repulsive pellets of pure misery and despair exiting your mouth every time you speak to me.

Lethal injection? No need. Bring him into the room and they'll be dead in seconds.

HR must have some sort of humiliation kink, for other people, because how on earth your filthy, grotesque, vile, decrepit and decaying ass hasn't been fired yet, is beyond me.

Joe, hair is supposed to separate, it's not meant to be one singular cube of dead skin and cat piss.

Wash ur ass man. God.

He has a growing problem relating to his hygiene.

Recently he's been sharing his newly discovered solution to morning showers.

''Just use a baby wipe. it takes like 2 minutes to clean my whole body"

Will, your body odour is genuinely the only thing that perfectly imitates what depression feels like.

It's genuinely diabolical to me that a human is capable of making such gut churning, car exhaust resembling and death inducing fumes.

Even a skunk would be fucking envious of the musty, dusty, death inducing smells your ass produces.

You harness the smell of every shit filled diaper on earth's surface with the same efficiency a solar panel harnesses the sun's energy.

When you speak the breath that accompanies each word seeping from your mouth, can only be compared to what a punctured septic tank, full of shit, seeps out.

Had to learn gymnastics to dodge those pellets of pure misery and despair shooting at me with the same lethal force of a goddamn cannon ball.

I'll be doing cartwheels, handstands and most likely fucking moonwalking.

Diving off balconies, avoiding the scent bombs like John wick does bullets.

The bullet misses, but as it passes by my face, they radiate the smell of a lactose intolerant pig sty with pigs on a diet of fucking dominos cheese pizza.

The bullet won't kill me, or John wick. But the smell? Cremate us to make sure we're long gone, snort my ashes and get high from the shock and pure adrenaline my body produced before spontaneously combusting at contact.

A deaf man would describe your smell as the one thing he lacks "Noisome" (shit smelling). I'm sure he could hear the fucking smell floating up his nose.

I'm trying to be happy in my life but you're a positivity sucking black hole.

At least you made sure I'd be positively diagnosed with clinical depression.

Hair is supposed to separate, Will.

The hair somehow attached to your head looks a Pandora's box if Pandora had dandruff.

Curious George would be renamed Traumatized Terry after curiously investigating the contents of Wills skull.

The contents he found were endless, because they never started in the first place.

Terry (previously George) 's eyes were met with an empty pit so vast NASA could send a fucking rocket down there and find a new planetary system, each planet with an alien species of skunk that utilized time travel to reach Will's behind and exit in the form of a fart.

Wash ur ass man. God.

He has a growing problem relating to his hygiene.

Recently he's been sharing his newly discovered solution to morning showers.

''Just use a baby wipe. it takes like 2 minutes to clean my whole body"

Will, your body odour is genuinely the only thing that perfectly imitates what depression feels like.

It's genuinely diabolical to me that a human is capable of making such gut churning, car exhaust resembling and death inducing fumes.

Even a skunk would be fucking envious of the musty, dusty, death inducing smells your ass produces.

You harness the smell of every shit filled diaper on earth's surface with the same efficiency a solar panel harnesses the sun's energy.

When you speak the breath that accompanies each word seeping from your mouth, can only be compared to what a punctured septic tank, full of shit, seeps out.

Had to learn gymnastics to dodge those pellets of pure misery and despair shooting at me with the same lethal force of a goddamn cannon ball.

I'll be doing cartwheels, handstands and most likely fucking moonwalking.

Diving off balconies, avoiding the scent bombs like John wick does bullets.

The bullet misses, but as it passes by my face, they radiate the smell of a lactose intolerant pig sty with pigs on a diet of fucking dominos cheese pizza.

The bullet won't kill me, or John wick. But the smell? Cremate us to make sure we're long gone, snort my ashes and get high from the shock and pure adrenaline my body produced before spontaneously combusting at contact.

A deaf man would describe your smell as the one thing he lacks "Noisome" (shit smelling). I'm sure he could hear the fucking smell floating up his nose.

I'm trying to be happy in my life but you're a positivity sucking black hole.

At least you made sure I'd be positively diagnosed with clinical depression.

Hair is supposed to separate, Will.

The hair somehow attached to your head looks a Pandora's box if Pandora had dandruff.

Curious George would be renamed Traumatized Terry after curiously investigating the contents of Wills skull.

The contents he found were endless, because they never started in the first place.

Terry (previously George) 's eyes were met with an empty pit so vast NASA could send a fucking rocket down there and find a new planetary system, each planet with an alien species of skunk that utilized time travel to reach Will's behind and exit in the form of a fart.

Wash ur ass man. God.