I need a solution, to my weird thinking patterns. I will pay you
When I study, I need to see the big picture. And even once I have it, my brain asks, "Okay, but then what?" And then, "But then what?" I can't settle into the one thing I'm doing because I'm constantly wondering if it's a waste of time or if I should be doing something better. Sometimes I'll hit something interesting that isn't relevant to what I'm reading, and I'll go down a Google rabbit hole.
Here's an example. I was comparing 5G with other wireless technologies out of random curiosity. That turned into wanting to understand how waves work, so I asked an AI to build me a full course outline.
It started with algebra, so I stepped back to look at what came after, and then what came after that, and I kept asking "what happens after this?" until the AI basically told me there's nothing after this. Someone learns it, passes it on, and the cycle repeats. I just sat there thinking, what's the point of everything? That's how existential it gets, and it makes it so hard to stay on the task in front of me.
I'm also great at starting things. A new language, a programming language, a new topic. I'll get through a page or two, or if I'm lucky stick with it for a week, and then I drop it. Not because I stopped caring, but because something else grabbed my attention or I just forgot. I figured I needed proper goals, but the same thing happens with the goals.
There's another layer to this. Whatever I'm learning, I get pulled toward how it works at the deepest level. If I'm learning to type, I'll start wondering how the keys work on the inside, Google a few things, and realize there's so much more underneath. I want to know how everything works down to its core, like with the waves example. Then I get bummed out when it all ends in math. I know there are different dimensions to learning something (typing is not the same as the engineering behind a keyboard), but my brain gets pulled toward the deeper stuff anyway.
In my research I came across the idea that this could be fear of failure, where your brain invents excuses so you don't have to do the work. I honestly don't know if that's it. I do want to learn, and I want to go deep. I just don't have the patience to sit through all of it. I want to already know it. I've even wondered why my brain can't work as fast as a computer so I wouldn't have to sit there bored.
Has anyone dealt with this? How do you stay with one thing long enough to actually finish it? I could really use some advice.
And yes, I am genuinely willingly to e-transfer anyone who can help me solve this problem.