u/Party-Cup-738

Im almost 16(F), my weight is 39kg and my height is 4’8.

Ive had this for years, whenever I eat pastas, something with rice and such stuff, I immediately get full. It kind of makes me want to puke, its like a full disgusting feeling for some reason. Although, I cant stop eating rice or whatsoever because im from a filipino household so rice is very necessary. After like 3 spoons, im immediately full..
Even simple bread, I immediately get full.

(Carbs and gluten I think)

Do I need to get checked up??

Disclaimer; mention of CSA and Pedophilia

So, bata palang ako 3, almost 4 umalis nanay ko. I dont blame her naman, she was like 14/15 siguro when she met my dad, e sobrang tanda na ng tatay ko mga 49+ na sya nun. 17, nabuntis sya sakin, 18 nanganak sya at nagpakasal sa tatay ko so sobrang odd na neto no? I dont know what they fought about nung 3 ako but im guessing nag cheat nanay ko which I dont entirely blame her for (although I hate cheating ha) my mom was very young, yung family side ng tatay ko ayaw sakanya. Imbis na tulungan sya dahil minor sya, pinaginitan lang ng ulo. So yun, baka yun sa rason bat naisipan ng nanay ko mag cheat at umalis. I also have a weird memory, nung 4-6, nakita ko phone ng tatay ko, daming child porn na pictures(but i didnt know what it meant at that time, akala ko normal lang) and then sa akin naman, palagi akong nag wewet ng bed, di pa ako exposed sa porn or anything pero ang sexual kona dati sa mga pillow, sa mga dolls ganun. Dalas ko din magka nightmares for some reason. May nafefeel ako sa body ko noon, pero hindi ko naman alam, diko naman maalala kung anong nangyari sakin? Honestly diko din masyado maalala childhood memories ko e. Pero yung mga traumatic stuff, naalala ko minsan.

Growing up, wala na nga akong nanay, wala pa akong tatay. Basically, I got materialistic things I wanted naman (not all, but most) kasi only child ako but I didnt have any emotional support from anyone. Ni tatay ko nga walang pake kung umiyak ako e. Imbis na i-congratulate ako ng kahit kaunti or pakitang may paki sya wala tlga, pera lang talaga nakuha ko. Gets ko naman nagtratrabaho sya para ma support ako pero di nya alam kung gaano kalala mga na fefeel ko. Sobrang supressed ng emotions ko to the point that I can even barely care for myself.

Mga 8/9 ata ako, I realized sobrang odd ng tatay ko, nakakita ulit ako ng child pornography, kaso sobrang bata ko rin nun malay koba na illegal pala yun, diko din kasi alam kung ano yung “parental” love, akala ko yung makita nila buong body mo is love na. Although, idk why I always think like that before nalaman ko na mali pala yun. Anyways, everything changed nung 10/11 ata ako? I know it was a joke pero grabi yung naging changes sa body ko. Pumasok tatay ko sa kwarto ko, hinawakan nya pwet at thighs ko. I brushed it off kasi sabi ko “ah, joke lang to.” Pero hindi e, napansin ng mga kaibigan ko parang bakit daw onting touch lang nila or hug sakin e nanginginig na ako agad? Thats when I started to realize sobrang na trauma lang siguro ako. Nangyari sya ulit when I was 14 but wala eh, wala akong mapagsabihan. So yun, I grew up very unstable.

I dont even know how to regulate myself and ganyan. I DONT even want to get a therapy muna because id need a parent with me eh I dont want any of them to know how I feel about them.

I dont entirely hate or blame them, my dad grew up unloved, my mother was groomed but at the same time sana naman inisip nila ako, kasi walang wala na rin ako e. Isipin mo, never kong na realize palagi akong push-over kasi subconciously ayokong may mawala sakin. Gets ko din may pangarap nanay ko, inuna nya din mag study kaya iniwan nyako sa dad ko kasi wala din syang pera pero sobrang sakit sa part ko. Kaso wala e, ano nang magagawa ko? Ilang years na akong na fefeel empty na pabalik balik na ewan (possibly depression ata) to the point I just accepted it. I somewhat love and despise them both and hindi ko sila kayang i forgive.

Honestly, im probably mentally ill kasi grabi din perception ko sa mundo, sobrang unstable. For example, pag may mga matandang lalaki na tumitingin sakin parang nagiging uncomfy body ko iniisip ko agad na manyak sila. Marami pa but I dont think I can say it all kasi may text limits.

The worst of all is how I turned out over the years, pero wala eh. Ang sa tingin kong paaran is to stay alone nalang kasi ganun naman ako growing up. Wala na ngang stable na pamilya, wala pang stable na isip.

Siguro people wont believe me as much kasi messy yung story ko but idk, I just want to know if baka mentally ill nga ba ako? You can ask me questions if you want. Para ma identify kung kailangan koba tlga ng mental help hahahah, jk, ofcourse I need it, it just hurts.

Disclaimer ; mentions of SA, pedophilia

hey guy, this is a very messy story so ill try to keep it short^_^

I really just want to rant
Since I dont have a mother (she left me w my dad when I was very young. My dad was 50+, she was like 18, basically she was 15/16 when they met, 17 when she got pregnant with me, 18 when she got married to my dad and gave birth to me. She was like 21 or 22 when she left me w my dad, so I was 3)
But I dont blame my mom for leaving him nor leaving me behind, she has a good future ahead of her.

My whole entire life, my dad supported me and took responsibility, just not emotionally though. So yea, I grew up alone basically, I never had mental support. When I cried or got sad, never got comforted and such stuff like that. I dont blame my dad entirely for not knowing how to raise me, he wasnt loved as a child, I get that but it still really hurts for my part. I grew up seeing him as a provider, not a parent. Since hes very mad with my mother, they never co-parented and my whole entire life I hated her because thats what I was told to do(and since I never got to see her again but luckily when I was 12 when I found out the truth, my mom messaged me.)

My father never defended my mom from his family and kept quiet about it and so yea, she left. Anyways, thing is, I get both of my parents but at the same time I cant help but feel hurt.

My mother knew what kind of man he was, yet still left me with him. But again, I dont blame her entirely I guess. She was very young.

Anw, back on track

I was like 8 or 9 when I realized that my dad was “odd” but I never questioned it until I was 13, I asked my dad if I could borrow his phone to buy stuff from online shops, and so he lets me easily and so, silly little me opened his gallery, instagram and such. Found out he had a picture of a child n4ked, kids in a bikini and more, he also had some saved reels of little kids on his instagram AND he texted girls from my school who were MINORS. (He also had their selfies saved.) and thats when it hit me even harder because when I was like 11 almost 12 when there was a time he touched my thighs and ass (but I never really questioned it, I thought he meant it as a joke because he said that my ass was getting bigger then just laughed and left) but at the same time, I never realized that after that happend, my body started to become even more concious. My friends started telling me that whenever we hug, my body tenses up or shudder randomly. Even just the slightest touch on my shoulders make me shiver, I never really realized until they pointed it out. (i even have proof that he has photos of little girls saved in his gallery)

Till this day, I feel sick about it and I dont know what to do because I have no one. Last year, when I told my friend that something like this happend, all she told me was that “youre so ungrateful” (since I get material things, basically money, or whatever but it never really fulfilled me, but I guess its better than nothing..) or that I should just talk to my dad about how it was affecting me. (I dont blame her for feeling that way, in other people’s eyes my dad is loving, and this friend of mine has a loving father so she doesnt really get it in a way.) If only it was easy to speak up about it, but I cant. For some reason, Its really hard to.

But also, the worst of all is how I turned out.

Basically, nowadays, I just feel anger for my dad. I dont even want to talk to him or anything, but at the same time I feel bad for being like this but I know its valid, but I still feel bad because deep down I still love both of my parents even if they never really were good ones.
I was basically good with others, but when I see my dad, I just immediately become irritated.
I know hes trying his best to become a father, and so is my mother but they were both practically absent my whole entire life and now I dont even know who I am.
Like, I feel like im trapped in a void. Since no one comforted me, I supress my feelings alot. I dont even know if I can feel truly “happy.” I barely remember my childhood but I sure do remember some of the traumatic things vividly for some reason.
Id think im depressed or anything but I dont want to self-diagnose.
And now, I go around and get groomed online by older men because I think its love. Its bs, I know its not but at the same time I still chase that.
And I became hypersexual and some stuff, I really wish I could fix myself but I know that traumas only get hidden underneath, never healed.

I feel so bad for both of my parents that I never even bothered to feel bad about myself. I always thought that my feelings werent valid and that I should just be grateful for what I have.

(For the record, I am 16 soon)

I know this is useless and may seem like a fake story but like i dont know, im just really tired of everything.

im really sorry if my grammar is bad or if my story doesnt make any sense. I hope I dont seem like an attention-seeker or anything. Thats all ^_^ if u have any questions just go ahead.

I gave out my birth certificate TWICE, and my account still got banned. I had a working alt account and now its also banned?? I dont know WHY or HOW but when I give out an ID or my birth certificate, it doesnt even work?😭 I even did the face detection thing.

For the record, I am 15. Apparently the only reason why I got banned in the first account is because of smth about like bypassing a ban by making a new account if that makes sense😭