u/Past-Log-1745

Dear Diary,

It's day two without Dylan, and honestly, the next few months are going to suck. I don't care about anything. I don't want to do anything. I have to fight the temptation to be a complete psycho and just show up at his work because I miss him that much.

The part that hurts is that I didn't even do anything terrible. All I said was that hearing about him constantly looking for other relationships made me sad. I knew he had a partner, and that never bothered me. It was the constant searching that broke me. I thought I was special.

Whether or not I agree with poly dating doesn't even matter anymore. I never attacked him—I just admitted that it hurt. Somehow everything fell apart anyway, and there's nothing I can do to put it back together. I was warming to him and would have tried ..

I can't sleep. I haven't been eating. I just... don't know, man.

Tonight all my old insecurities are screaming at me. I keep wondering if I threw my life away transitioning so late. I look in the mirror and all I can see is someone who's too old, too masculine, too ugly. I'm still not really into men, so I can't just tell myself to settle for anyone who's interested. HRT has changed my body enough that I'm scared and embarrassed to even think about being intimate.

More than anything, I'm terrified of dying alone.

I don't want to go to sleep because every time I wake up, it's another day farther away from him. I even told my kid's mom about him. Not every detail, but she knew from the way I cried that he meant something to me.

I wanted so badly to tell the world he was mine. My handsome man

Instead, I'm lying here trying to figure out how someone can miss another person this much after such a short time

A month ago if you told me I'd end up with a crush on a guy, I would have been skeptical, but then I met Dylan.

He saw my trans pride bracelets and I gave him one. I never thought much of him cause we met at his work and I don't like bothering people on their jobs too much but as time went on hed reach out to me more and more. One day under the guise of wanting to know more about hrt he asked for my number. I gave and hrt wasn't what he wanted . We started texting all the time. Somewhere between the good mornings, dumb jokes, I caught feelings without even noticing. One day I joking called him my handsome man and fell in love with how that made me feel 😭 I'd be at work grinning because my phone buzzed. I was checking for his messages like a teenager. I forgot butterflies were even real.

Then we finally met.

We got ice cream, wandered around the park for a couple hours, and just...talked. He bought ice cream, opened doors for me, and there were these little shy touches that my hopeless romantic brain absolutely blew out of proportion. I wanted to hold his hand so bad, but I was scared to ruin the moment.

I even gave him a dog chain we'd joked about.

For a little while I really thought maybe life was throwing me a bone for once.

But it wasn't.

He was dating other people. He never lied to me. He never made promises. He was honestly kinder than he ever had to be.

He just didn't choose me.

It's such a stupid thing to be heartbroken over. We weren't together. We never kissed. We never even held hands. And I know I can't give him the thrills he's after...

But somehow it still feels like I lost something. I lost him

For a couple weeks I stopped feeling ugly. I felt seen and pretty and I was ready to throw my life into disarray telling the world that yes he's my handsome man and I wanna give this a shot

Now I'm back to a dead phone and crying like I haven't in years, songs, the park, going to the restaurant and store he works at is a knife to the heart

I really do hope he's happy.

I just wish, for once, I'd been the person someone got excited to choose.

So mere hours ago I posted about the euphoria about finding someone promising to talk to. Gushing over how he made me feel and today they messaged me to have me be his hype woman for a missed connection in a shared Uber from God knows where. I tried initially to be supportive but it's like ok u lied about ur schedule as pertained to us kicking it and I just feel ugly and unwanted already so that was a killer. Cried at work and got hit on my new motorcycle and broke my ankle and now I have no one again and just feel like shit.

So I've been on hrt for a year. I finally have itty bitties and finally feel more settled in my skin as Jamie. I've always been more into girls but I've been crushing kinda hard on my new trans friend (ftm) 🥴 I look forward to texting him and when we text I started calling him my handsome man and it just feels right. I dunno it's nice to have butterflies and.... female urges 😅 you know what I mean. Can't wait to see him Wed ❤️❤️❤️

I don't know why but lately I keep self sabotaging friendships. Like things will be fine and I speed run looking for a reason to block them and convince myself they hate me and I'm a burden. It sucks cause I really do want friends ( or at least I tell myself that) but in my core I've just become so beaten and convinced I'm ugly and useless I throw people away just so I can sit on the floor in my room and stare off into space...I've stopped showering or maybe do it once or twice a month. I do so few activities standing and existing is painful due to atrophy....I can't even do one pushup anymore...I don't want to die but I don't have a zest for life or want for anything anymore...does therapy help or does it matter...I dunno...I would shoot myself but I don't like hurting and as much as I hate life, death seems boring...I'm just lonely and stupid and ugly and it's fucked up some people are born to be wastes.

So every day you'll see someone ask a question about vibes and stuff at a club or something about being a 1st timer and what to expect but I'm curious like what are u expecting at these venues? Cause I've been to a million shows, all the venues and unless you go there on bullshit it's the exact same experience.

Like are all the first timers expecting some ecstasy wonderland like you see in videos and some wow experience? You enter and it's a flash of light and slow-mo and club bunnies with Kandi surround you and ur part of the tribe and drugs and sex are flowing?

Are all the jaded clubbers with horror stories really acting like all the clubs ain't taxing for waters and drinks and filled with different variations of the same assholes you'll see at every spot that weekend?

I've met dancing Mfs at Tao and prysm I've gotten ignored and had shit experiences at radius, and spybar.

I'm just curious if I'm really missing out on something here? Cause outside of some real outliers every night out I've had is exactly what I wanted it to be 🤷🏻‍♀️