u/Personal-Pudding-770

I never grew up super religious or super Christian. My parents took me to church on Easter and Christmas, and all the Christians I knew in my life were very hurtful people. In the summers, I would sometimes go to vacation Bible school because I had a best friend who was a Jesus freak. But no matter what, from childhood, I always had a skepticism for religion because it made no sense to me. Throughout my adulthood I tried Buddhism, atheism, agnosticism, spiritual practices, then somehow ended up surrendering my life to Jesus in April. All this being said, the strongest belief I’ve been able to come to is that all religions are true in their own way and false in others. I question everything in life, even my own thoughts. I believe in God, there is a “holiness” and “truth” that I see in “following” Jesus in the way he lived, but I genuinely do not believe in this “let’s believe everything in the Bible” bullshit. After months and months of “dedicating myself to the Lord”, I’ve just gotten stronger and stronger in confirming that Christianity is a cult. And I’m not sure if it’s because of my strong education of psychology, but I can see straight through the performative manipulation. The charismatic church leaders and their equally charismatic serve team members, whether it’s due to genuine belief due to naivety or it’s because they’re in on the manipulation of it all. I’ve had pastors talk to me and it’s almost as if they can tell I see straight through the bullshit. Anyways, I did go to church today, and it was like a “metaphorical snap” occurred and I just sat there the entire time like, “What the fuck am I even doing listening to this shit and being here”. So obviously, there’s this sense of guilt…. Because Christianity itself instills a lot of fear in so many ways: guilt of sin, guilt of conviction, guilt of leaving the faith, etc. I just wonder… would it be terrible of me to just suddenly stop?

I’m a newer follower of Christ. I grew up on and off going to church, but no one in my life ever showed me a healthy example of what Christianity was. We were mostly Easter and Christmas church goers. Most Christians I met or came across caused me some of the most immense trauma in my life. I’ve even had family members who were the type to pray in tongues, in closets for hours, but physically abuse their children.

I came to the faith on my own accord, starting December 2025 and beginning of 2026. There are still a lot of things that I find confusing and frustrating about everything. For one, every Christian I meet has a different viewpoint of things and belief in things. I’ve had some tell me that yoga, other religions, zodiac symbols, etc. are all demonic and works of Satan. I’ve had other Christians tell me that people who claim those things are demonic are cuckoo. I’ve had some Christians claim LGBTQ+ is demonic and damned, and others say that Jesus loves everyone. I’ve had some Christians tell me that drinking is wrong and others tell me that it’s fine in moderation. I’ve had some tell me that weed is evil, and others who smoke all the time but that “God made it”. I feel like all of these contradictory things just draw me further from wanting to be part of the faith and go back to my “old way” of life, or rather, to believe in Jesus in my own way. I believe that He was the Son of Man, and that He was crucified and resurrected. But I just cannot believe that every other person who does not believe is damned to hell. I believe that Jesus was here to teach us the principles that we should live by, but man has corrupted and manipulated scripture and religion to fit its own agenda when needed. I believe that we are saved by believing in Him, in the sense that we are meant to live as He lived. We are humans and will inevitably be flawed and fail, but it’s the intentional choice we make to follow Jesus in how we live that we show our faith- that is what I believe in. I believe that this would make it more or a faith/spiritual identity for me, rather than a religious thing. I just feel so frustrated and confused. If we are all supposed to have a personal relationship with Jesus, and that is the whole point, so that we may live lives that are obedient and pleasing to God. Why are there so many factions of Christianity and all with varying beliefs? Why do people argue who is “right” and who is “wrong”? Why do peope argue which denomination is “true”? Why do I see friends who are Christian refuse to get abortions, but those same friends got pregnant by having pre-marital sex in sin? Why is sin excused when it’s convenient and we label it with “grace & forgiveness” while others are labeled with “condemnation & conviction”? The more I try to challenge myself into being more rooted, the more I am beginning to lose stability in all of it. More questions occur, more discrepancies occur, and more contradictions occur. It’s not that I am committed to misunderstanding, it’s the fact that every single human being seems to have their own interpretation and viewpoint of things- none seem to be singular when it comes to most Christians I’ve met.

I’m a very hypersexual person but I’m also very particular about who I sleep with. I’ve been single for 5 years and I haven’t had sex since November of last year. I want to eventually find a partner but I’m also sexually frustrated and trying to date in my city feels impossible. I’ve tried the apps and I have no luck, the guys on there are just way too forward and quick. As horny as I may be, I still like a guy who plays into the fantasy of at least flirting, courting a girl, going on a real date- and then we fuck our brains afterwards, then so be it. But I want to be romanced, there has to be a build-up; and everyone on the dating apps just wants to get straight to the point. Every guy I’ve dated in the past has ruined things by not being mature or effective with their communication. I have no problem with just fucking someone, but I also have no issue with building something more with someone. I get frustrated with the fact that the last few guys I’ve fucked they can’t stick to their word or plan with me, if they say they just want to fuck, then they end up catching feelings; vice versa if they tell me they want something serious, they end up just wanting to fuck. I have to be clear from the get go, because then I know how to establish myself and my attachment and effort from the beginning.

Anywho, I just want to find someone to fuck or someone to intentionally date, or in a perfect world- both. Is what I’m looking for really too much to ask for?

And when it comes to the whole sex thing…. I keep finding guys who are just way too vanilla or way too hardcore, borderline r*pe fantasy men- which is NOT my thing at all. I have so many fantasies that I’ve been wanting to fulfill and I just can’t stand it anymore, it almost disgusts me sometimes how horny I can get. Masturbation only helps so much.