u/Phantoms_Cry

I (23F) suffer from a lot of anxiety, I have since I was about 13. I am medicated but it can still be extreme at times. I could be doing something as simple as getting groceries or visiting my brother and I’ll feel it start to creep.

I’m due to graduate from uni (uk) this June, I don’t currently have any plans to look for a job. There are a lot of reasons for this, it mostly boils down to that I am very unprepared. After 4 continuous years of uni I am extremely burnt out and there are a lot of personal problems too, I would not be good in a job right now.

I am aware I am lucky in having not to look for one, my Mum (49F) has expressed she would love to have me for a while whilst I figure out my next step in life. The truth is, I don’t know what that is or how to try and move in that direction.

I first noticed just how bad my anxiety is in a professional setting yesterday, I had to give a presentation on one of my modules. I had a script written, knew what I was talking about but was still completely terrified and had to fight off 2 panic attacks in the lead up and teared up after it was over.

Genuinely, my anxiety seems to lessen with exposure. When I first started uni, I was scared just walking to class and getting used to lecture halls, fortunately it is better and I can walk around campus comfortably now but it took around 2-3 years to get to that point.

I’ve seen how bad the job market is and have little doubt if I show signs of my anxiety I’ll be passed off for someone without it. Not to mention my degree is in Computer Science, both a competitive field and one at risk of replacement from AI.

I do have a plan, I will continue doing individual projects related to my degree to keep it fresh in my mind and get better overall, I want to learn new skills and hobbies too (for example I want to get into blender modelling and rigging, make text based games etc) and get back into digital art.

I’m just not sure how this will all work out, I dont drive (I tried to learn, many many anxiety attacks, my instructor borderline ghosted me after a while) and I know that will hinder me even further.

What can I do? I want to feel ready one day but I just don’t know how to be anything but a nervous wreck around strangers and new places. It’s hard not be harsh on myself, everyone around me is applying for positions, getting their first apartments, moving in with their partners and I feel stuck as this stunted adult, barley feeling like I deserve my degree at all.

My home life this May has taken a turn for the absolute worst. I’m in my final year and I’ve got my finals from next Friday all the way to the end of the month and I feel so unprepared.

When I’m not in student accommodation I live with my Father, last week he told me that we’re at risk of being evicted. He calls me daily, yells at me for not helping but refuses to listen to me. He called my today and ranted at me for 5 minutes, I tired to get a word in but he loudly spoke over me twice then just apologised for being ‘a terrible father and a distraction’ (I told him I was trying to work on my finals) and hung up.

I feel sick to my stomach, I can’t sleep, barely eat. I am trying so hard but my motivation is completely gone. On top of all this, I am facing a death anniversary in my family, one that is very traumatic to me. My university is aware of the anniversary and I’ve been in contact with one of the therapists about it, I emailed her a few minutes ago when I was extremely stressed out from my Father, asking her for help. I don’t know what the university can do, are they just going to assume I’m making this all up? I generally can’t sit down and focus because my father is either blowing up my phone, I’m having to talk to the council because he refuses to do it himself or I’m overwhelmed with the grief of my family member’s death anniversary.

Want to know the cherry on top? Her death day is on Friday, the same day I have two of my finals due. I can’t do this, I am completely terrified. What can they realistically help me with? Will I even be believed? I generally don’t know how I’m going to get through to the end of this month. I’m in complete shambles.

I have already lost a lot of people in my short life (23F), lost another member of my family a few hours ago after a long battle with cancer. Really, the only thing I notice is how everything just keeps going, painfully so. The world won’t stop for you to mourn, your boss or professor may show at least some sympathy and give you time to grieve but there is always that expectation that you’ll come back, if you don’t you loose that job or fail that class. I have considered the outlook that love is worth the pain for that is the cost of it. That the connection and memories are ultimately worth the suffering that comes with loss. But the thought of subjecting my own hypothetical kid to this? I can’t comprehend it. I am terrified of the day I will loose my Mother, the moment I think of it for more than a few seconds I feel myself tear up.

Grief doesn’t go away, it doesn’t get easier. I lost my Nana in a traumatic way 3 years ago. According to some and a school system, that should be more than enough time to have ‘moved on’. These people don’t know my life, they don’t know that she was a huge part of it, that I loved her with everything I had. I miss her every day. After loosing someone else today, I feel numb to be honest. I cried for about a minute when he passed, then just nothing. I miss him, last thing I remember is the hug he gave me, then cancer took him away. I had made plans to spend more time with him this summer, something that will never happen now.

Him being gone doesn’t stop my deadlines. Him being gone changes nothing in the world but it changes the lives he was in. I have mourned and mourned and mourned. Family after family, friend after friend. He makes the 5th person I’ve lost to an incurable disease. I want to hope that one day there is a cure for these things I’ve lost people to; Cancers, Parkinson’s, MND… any disease and illness I hope, truly hope that a cure is found but I can’t bring myself to even think of having a child if there is a chance, any at all that they get one or have to watch their loved ones die to it. It’s a horrible thing, it was horrible to watch him get weaker and weaker, there was a brief moment where I thought he was getting better only for him to be gone altogether.

I know there is only more grief awaiting me in life. One day I’ll see my Mother go, I may see my older brother go too. I will mostly likely see friends go too. The world will keep turning whilst mine gets slower and colder with each and every loss. I will remember them all, mourn them all. It will affect my grades, my jobs, my life, but the world will tell me to keep going because we have a system where if you can’t function, then you’re left behind. If the cost of love is a lifetime of grief but being told you have to keep going because you can’t afford to stop, then it’s not something I could bring a child into. I couldn’t never ask for them to experience this purely for the sake of me having one. Grief is something I don’t even wish on the people I hate, so how could I ever ask that of my kid?

My relationship with my Dad has always been pretty rocky. He wasn’t super involved in raising me and my older brother (26M), that mostly fell onto our Mother (49F) and Nana. They got divorced when I was about 17, and my relationship with my Dad has gone downhill since. I do live with him when I’m not at university (UK), I’m set to finish this June and honestly, I just want to get out of his house ASAP. (My Mum has a 1 bedroom house but she has consistently offered to have me)

I lost my Nana in May 2023, it’s was traumatic and it’s always a triggering time of year when her death day rolls around again. Last month was her birthday and I told my Dad that just like every year, Mum was going to pick me up and we were going to spend the day with my Nana’s husband. He responded with “Doing this every time won’t bring her back you know, you’re better off just moving on.” - Cue me crying from grief for a week straight.

Now my Dad is in hot water with money, I’m talking a growing house debt (Growing near £2000) with the threat of being evicted. I have told him 3 times now that I can cover it with what money I earned before starting university but he goes on a tangent about ‘his Pride’ every time. On top of this, he constantly blames his money issues on my Mum divorcing him, saying it’s her fault he’s in this mess, never acknowledging the fact he barley did anything around the house despite her being the breadwinner. Many times she had to come home and still cook dinner and the chores whilst he sat watching TV.

Today, I got a call from my Mum telling me that my Great Uncle (he was married to my Nana’s sister) has passed away after a long battle with cancer. I was feeling awful, my Great Uncle had been there for me after my Nana passed, he had always been kind towards me and supported both me and my Mum due to the trauma of her passing. My Dad phoned this evening and asked me to pay part of his debt with his card (he refuses to learn how to use technology other than basic internet searching) during the call, I mentioned that Great Uncle had passed and he proceeded to bad mouth him, saying he never liked him. I got pretty snippy and he told me to not mourn ‘a guy like that’ I ended the call pretty heated.

I’m crying again, both the approaching of my Nana’s death day and now having lost a kind man who gave me a shoulder to cry on in loosing her. On top of all of this I’m having to do my finals and the possible risk of getting kicked out of home because my dad refuses to let me pay his debt and honestly, after what he just said, I don’t want to.

I’m sick and tired of his lack of sympathy and this hyper fixation on his stupid pride. I’m starting to loose my care for this man I have to call a father, I just really don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I don’t know how to talk to him so he will actually listen to me or if I’m better off just to stop trying. I’d feel guilty if he did get evicted but at the same time, I can’t take his behaviour towards me anymore. Am I being too sensitive? Is there just no hope in fixing our relationship?

I can barely focus on my finals. I’m just so tired of this.