u/Phil-Landix

24M, it's pretty tough to start this but i'm gonna try my best. First i should say i've been going to therapy for a year but i never really go in detail about this matter to my therapist because there's some other stuff which definitely affects my life more and takes more time during our sessions.

Since i can remember i've always been hit on by girls, i mean primary school aswell and i've always been sort of a magnet around people and i think it's mostly due to me being extremely genuine at that time. I didn't even know what envy was, if someone was really good at something i was simply interested, i wanted to know more and felt admiration. If i was the one doing or knowing something cool i'd be tremendously glad to let my friends know or learn the most possible. When i was with a group of friends (kid/teenager phase) i truly disliked seeing someone not talking or not getting attention and i'd say something to get em into the discussion in the most natural way, i can say this rn because i notice it by looking at the past, at that time i didn't think about such things that's why i say it was natural. My middle school years are literally a black hole, i could say everything i remember in probably less than 5 minutes so i'm going to skip that of course. In high school i started getting sexualized by some girls and i began noticing things, anyway i'm not talking about everyone of course, just a few that i remember well. I knew i was attracted to girls but i was probably not interested yet and the hormones still had to kick in. During the summer of the 3rd high school year i had my first experience with a friend i knew from a long time, the atmosphere was there and after she teased me i "replied" even tho i wasn't 100% sure, it was a pretty quick thing tho, no climax, just playing with each other. First real connection and partner was in march 2020 (yeah cool period right?), it was going really well except a few things and unfortunately until i got to know the same day she left me that she was previously raped. We sorta kept seeing each other along with friends until i slowed down after she began insulting and defamating me and even years later she would still try to join the group randomly when i was with them (i remember one of those friends asking me if it was ok that she would show up). I should add that she was definitely borderline and maybe something else, the issue is that i learned she used to talk about me behind my back to different people, telling that i was still hung up on her or that i did some shit i didn't do by playing with words or that i was a puppy. This was definitely the biggest case but it happened multiple times with different girls (and some guys aswell but i can get a grasp of the guys way of things better). A few details about me is that i don't really like the sexual organ by itself, whether is a dick or a pussy, i like the person and it's extremely hard for me to find someone i like, although i know i don't like men at all i had fantasies with transgenders aswell. I have a straight brother 8 years older and a lesbian sister 12 years older. As of now i've been avoiding anyone voluntarily except for close family, i have no intention of seeing "friends" or actual friends, i haven't responded to anyone in months if not more and i'm pretty fine like that, I feel like it's never gonna change to be honest, irl i just find everybody so boring, misleading, fake, annoying (and i could go on) whether it's true or false. I still go out sometimes just walking somewhere, i workout, i play some tennis and most of my time i just watch docus, movies, tv series, youtube. Is there actually something wrong with me? Am i wrong? I know it's prejudice but i just despise people, i used to wanna help people now i literally couldn't give a fuck, i still like earth and the universe, i still feel curious and i like life too, just not human life.