u/Piefed22

I’m not sure if this is a silly question, but I feel like I spend my whole day talking and playing with my toddler and I’m exhausted. I also have a 6 month old so feel like I’m not meeting either of my kids needs fully. My toddler talks 24/7 and expects me to talk and answer back all day. She will be climbing all over me if I say that I’m done talking for a bit. I also constantly feel like I’m either not playing with her enough or that she’s come to expect me to play with her 24/7 and that’s why I feel guilty when I’m not. I will say I’m going to sit back and watch her play which she will for a few seconds but expect me to interact with her the whole time, and if I don’t she will start behaving in ways that she knows will get my attention (kicking, hitting, etc). I guess I’m wondering what independent play actually looks like at this age, does it mean she plays while I’m off doing my own thing? Is it playing while I’m interacting with her/leading the play? She seems a lot more higher needs than typical toddlers her age from what I’ve seen when we’re having play dates or at story time.

I’m genuinely looking for advice/ feedback to help support my parenting and toddler who will be 3 in September. She has a more intense temperament from what I’ve read and I’m nearing burnout.

My toddler cannot tolerate not having someone’s full attention. If she’s not the center of attention she will disrupt, interrupt, or go look for attention elsewhere. If we are in a group setting (music class, storytime, etc.) and I don’t give her my full attention, she will interrupt a conversation. If I hold a boundary and let her know I’m speaking and it will be her turn soon, she will go to others and not respect their personal space/social boundaries and keep asking the same questions over and over even if answered the first time. (Example: where is the teacher? She is in the other room. Where is the teacher?) She will climb all over me and hurt me (scratch, hit) or engage in inappropriate behaviors in order to get my attention. A lot of this might sound like normal toddler behavior but in comparison to other toddlers in multiple settings, she seems very extreme. people will comment how much she likes attention and how energetic she is. She also cannot focus at all. She has never gotten lost in play or coloring for more than a few minutes before needing me to engage. I’ve tried toy rotations and it doesn’t seem to make a difference.
Before we had our now 6 month old, I would give her plenty of undivided attention, hours worth, and it somehow still wasn’t enough. This might have backfired. I
tried to prime her for baby and needing to share attention by giving shorter spurts more frequently but she still is not capable of independent play. I have read all the parenting books, listened to podcasts, try to be empathetic and validate, and the normal parenting advice does not seem to be working. I offer choices, I try imaginative play to get her to cooperate, I hold boundaries, but she is extremely persistent. I leave every outing and end every day feeling like a failed parent. I’m starting to consider the possibility of ADHD even though I know it’s early.

I’m at a loss and can’t take feeling awful every day for much longer. Any advice?

I have been in individual therapy for many years (EMDR, IFS) primarily relating to emotional neglect by my mother. There was recently an incident that happened mainly because I got tired of being the scapegoat and going along with this family narrative that everything is okay and no one needs to take accountability for their behaviors that are harmful. My mom was engaging in hurtful ways on social media (sharing videos about how adult children make themselves victims all the time, and abuse their parents), and when I tried talking to her about this she ended up saying how hurt she is and didn’t apologize or acknowledge her behavior at all. I tried to have a conversation again and she said she wants to do family therapy and she will talk to me about things during our first session, which is today. I am beyond anxious and really don’t want this to turn into pointing fingers and honestly don’t think it will be helpful until she is able to hold herself accountable. I know she is in individual therapy as well which is strange since she tried to shame me for doing therapy. I am wondering how the therapist will approach this because I really don’t want this to be another instance where I just sit and listen to all my mom’s problems.