u/PinkMossOrchid

The World Cup has reminded me how incredibly homosocial men are. I first remember reading the feminist analysis about men's homosocialty and it suddenly made so much sense to me - the way they often prefer to hang out with their friends rather than their girlfriends/wives, the way they act like their wives are nags stopping them from having fun 'with the lads,' the way they're all 'Keep going bro, believe in yourself' in online forums about careers whilst being simultaneously awful to women, the way they cover for each other cheating etc.

Meanwhile, I have lost multiple female friends to marriages with men because once married, the women prioritise the husband and children whilst the man often continues to prioritise himself, his career, his friends and his hobbies.

On TV there are all these men talking about football, which is just men kicking a ball around into the back of the net, as if it's some life or death matter. They spend their whole lives watching it, discussing it and crying and hugging each other over it. I think it's an elaborate excuse for them to spend lots of time with other men and avoid their partners and families.

Men in England have this song 'It's coming home' about football. They don't care and ignore the fact that the women's England football team 'brought it home' by winning the Women's Euro Championships twice.

They also act all sulky and childish when their team loses. One of my ex boyfriends kicked over a bar stool then hid in the men's toilets for about half an hour after his team lost a tournament, leaving me alone with strangers in a pub in his city (it was a long distance relationship).

A few years ago I realised how I didn't care about football at all after growing up in a family where the men were all football-obsessed and would always have it on in the background and act like it was more important than everything else. It was such a relief to finally acknowledge how silly it all is and to never have to watch or listen to it again. I went for a lovely evening walk while it was on last night and it was so peaceful.

I don't currently own a laptop and have recently been trying to buy one but I've had two bad experiences buying refurbished laptops online. The laptop's purpose is to help me change careers, possibly into something IT related so I was looking at refurbished Thinkpads. I've been studying the IT modules on Cisco online and I'm interested in computer networking but also things like data analysis, edtech and I have a Raspberry Pi kit I'm keen to work on, so I was looking for a mobile workstation type of laptop. According to my research, Lenovo Thinkpads and Dell Latitudes would suit me best.

The first one was from a big online refurbishment company and it was great (a P14s) but it had a weird sharp lump in the screen despite it being advertised as A/excellent grade. It took me a week of emails to the company and escalating it to a manager for them to agree to let me return it for a refund.

The second laptop (a T14) arrived with a strong chemical smell. I assumed it would fade so I aired it for a few days but the smell just got worse and filled my house with toxic fumes, I couldn't sit in the same room as the laptop as the fumes hurt my eyes. This time I'd bought it from a seller on Amazon Refurbished who had very good reviews (I later found lots of buried negative reviews for them). The seller was aggressive, insisted it was a 'new product smell' despite admitting using strong chemicals to clean the laptops and refused to fund the return postage, so I had to pay £30 to return it and open an Amazon A-Z claim to get my refund which has only just been approved. The buried reviews I found often said they sell laptops with batteries that fail after a few months and then either charge to repair/upgrade or only offer partial refunds, they seem pretty dodgy. I think they sent me a laptop with a degrading battery which caused the chemical fumes.

I still don't have a laptop and I'm very wary of where I buy a laptop from because all of this was very exhausting and stressful.

Does anyone have any advice? Are there reputable sellers of refurbished non-faulty Thinkpads that easily accept returns if they're faulty/provide support to get them fixed? I understand that Dell has both an Outlet and a Refurbished site, and the Outlet is mostly for returned unused computer so I'm thinking they might be better to buy from? The laptops on the Lenovo site all seem to start at about £900 which is above my budget, I was wanting to spend max £550 ish.

Also, are there other laptops you recommend that I could buy new in this price range that would still be suitable? Thanks.

I wrote a post yesterday about how I received a refurbished laptop that smelt so strongly of toxic fumes that it made my whole house smell and hurt my eyes. The seller seems to be dishonest and aggressive, they initially said they'd 'made an account on their website' for me to return an item. I said I didn't want an account with them and asked if they could please provide a prepaid returns label. They sent about 3 messages insisting that the chemical smell is fine and have said that I'm just sensitive/it's my personal preference to protect themselves from 'faulty/not as described' claim.

When they eventually uploaded a label, it was a 'postage required' label with a wall of text about their own terms and conditions and lots of demands about how to package it. They also said that I can get a free DPD label but only if I go to their own website which presumably would stop me from being covered by Amazon's terms, it seems dodgy anyway.

All of this was out of order and violating Amazon's terms so I filed an A-Z claim, but frustratingly Amazon have told me to buy a label to return the item and that they'll apparent refund me and they've only given me 72 hours to do this before they said they'll close the case! The post office isn't even open with it being Sunday. I've spoken to the A-Z team by email and also I've spoken to 3 customer service agents over the phone. They don't seem to care that the laptop smells of fumes, that the seller is directing me off site and insist they can't force the seller to provide me with a label.

Can anyone help? I'm finding this extremely stressful, I just want the toxic laptop out of my house and my money back. I will never buy a high value item again on Amazon, I deliberately bought this on Amazon as their returns are usually straight forward.

1. If I buy a label, which delivery service should I use? I'm meant to attach a hazmat label to the box and I'm worried some carriers won't accept it, in fact the label the seller has attached says 'Do not ship by air, do not use postal operator' but the one Amazon provided doesn't say this. Will DPD and Royal Mail accept it?

2. If I use DPD, do I pay the £18 extra to cover the laptop? Google summary is telling me that apparently they don't cover laptops so that extra £18 is a waste of money?

3. Is there any way I can get someone to see my case at Amazon and see how the seller is violating their terms? The people I have spoken to so far have not been helpful.

I bought a refurbished laptop on Amazon and when I opened it, it had a very strong chemical smell. I left it to air for several days hoping the smell would go, but instead it intensified and made my whole house smell of toxic fumes. I requested a return, stating the strong chemical smell being the reason but the seller is being very difficult.

Firstly they sent me a weird 'legal notice' saying that they admit they use chemical products to clean their laptops but that it's apparently totally fine and normal and not a sign that the laptop is faulty. I replied saying that I would still like to return it as the smell is very strong. They replied saying fine you can return it, but sent me two messages saying 'they'd created an account for me on their website' so I can return it. I said I didn't want to return it on their website and politely requested a return label through Amazon.

They said that 'nobody had asked me to use an account on their website' seemingly denying their earlier messages, and said that I can return it and 'to follow Amazon's return process,' but when I click on the return on amazon it just has a Hazmat label, a return authorisation barcode and says 'the seller will provide a returns label' but there is still no returns label present.

The seller seems to be dishonest and aggressive, constantly reiterating that the toxic smell is totally fine and that 'they've never had anyone return a laptop for this reason before' trying to imply I'm some silly buyer making a fuss rather than just giving me a returns label as per Amazon's policy. It looks like they are trying to insist that the toxic smell isn't a fault to try to stop me from getting a refund.

What do you recommend I do? It's nearly approaching the 48 hour window of me requesting a label so I think I can file an A-Z guarantee after that time? Should I try to contact Amazon to request they look into it sooner? I need to get it out of my house as the fumes have been affecting my eyes and making my clothes smell.

I hope my post is ok. I am a single childfree woman in my early 40s so not a step mother, but when I recently went on Hinge I noticed that about 90% of my options had children. Up to about 35 I used to think I wanted to have children myself and even read a book about choosing single motherhood, but after putting a lot of thought into it I realised that I'd like a partner, not the kids. I am a neurodivergent introvert with some health issues and I live a deliberately very peaceful life so that I don't get exhausted, ill or overwhelmed.

However it felt depressing to see that unless I chose to date a man with children, my 9 years of being single might be forever, since most people in my age bracket have kids. I love being peaceful but I definitely get lonely and I sometimes feel scared about what my future might look like since I am not close to most of my family and I don't have loads of friends either. My choices currently feel a bit like this:

- Finding a partner with kids, becoming part of a family but dealing with the difficulties of being a stepmother

Or

- Being single and childfree without all of the above stress, but also potentially becoming very isolated and lonely

It would help to have your thoughts on this. I know being a step parent is difficult, that you're a lower down priority, that you often have to deal with their ex and that the children can be difficult. I used to work with children so I know what they can be like, and although I don't hate them and some of them can be really sweet, I am mostly indifferent towards them. I love animals, I'd rather talk to a cat or dog.

I deleted Hinge because it was depressing but I'm thinking maybe I could try another app that allows me to filter out the dads and directly message the childfree men if they're attractive and we're compatible.

Edit: Thanks step parents for your advice. I will try a different dating app next time and filter for the childfree men then message them directly. I wish there were more searchable rather than swiping dating apps as Hinge was really not working for me this time and I'd rather not have to pay just to be able to filter for non-dads.

Back in the 80s there was this kids tv programme called Chock a block where the presenters drove in dressed in overalls on these small cars and spent the whole episode at this big machine. It was powered by these blocks and the presenters clicked buttons which resulted in various puzzles and games being shown on a screen.

I was fascinated by it as a child and I think it might fit the cassette futurism aesthetic? It was all so satisfyingly chunky, clicky and blocky.

I recently saw a video on Instagram which was a feminist analysis of one of those appalling American Christian fundamentalist pastors saying that 'women have been granted too much freedom.' I am not a fan of instagram but it got me thinking, I'd love to listen to some feminist analysis of this issue on YouTube.

When I did a search, including for 'feminist analysis of Christian fundamentalism' the algorithm gave me lots of Christian and right wing anti-feminist videos. I asked the AI in Google search and it also gave me several incorrect recommendations.

Does anyone here have recommendations for good feminist YouTube channels, where they analyse things such as the threat posed by the Christian right? I have been concerned since seeing this video that we could end up in some kind of Handmaid's tale situation and it made me want to seek community and intelligent discussion about it.

I have been struggling to figure out which direction to go in from here. I went to art college, discovered illustration and textile design which felt like epiphany (finding out people actually got paid to paint) and then tried to pursue it post-college. I did quite a few online courses in design, painting etc and then finally got some of my own products printed up and did some craft fairs. The process took me years due to going through a lot of losses and bereavements and having to take breaks. By the time I did the markets, I mostly met people who said they did it for a hobby, and then AI 'art' had started to end the careers of well-established illustrators who said they were having to work as cleaners so it seemed like when I was finally ready to do it for a career, the career path had ended?

Even before all of that, one of the main difficulties I had trying to do illustration and textile design as a career was that it was very difficult to find clear, truthful facts about it as a job ie. is it actually a viable career or are most people on social media who call themselves illustrators actually just content creators with rich husbands/families? How much are people earning if they are purely designing and where do they find their clients? I realised most of the courses on the topic were dishonest and designed to make the course creator money.

I was losing money on Squarespace and Photoshop so I cancelled them and have been trying to figure out what to do. I've been researching different jobs and careers and narrowing down possibilities. I do still feel pangs of envy when I see artists/designers online apparently still be getting paid to do it as a career, but I notice most of them also having to promote sponsorships, sell courses and teach which are things I don't want to do.

Does anyone here work in illustration or textile design? Do you think it's still a viable career path? Or do you have a day job and create art as a hobby, and if so which career path did you choose?

I had three experiences recently that left me feeling so upset and drained I became exhausted and last night I slept for nearly 12 hours. I'm feeling a bit better today and having a cosy restful day at home but I've been reflecting on how I often struggle a lot with the behaviour of others:

The first incident - a group I was in got taken over by this guy who has a lot of red flags of a psychopath. I read up on this topic for three years after leaving an abusive partner so I'm able to spot these traits quickly now. He is using a group of vulnerable people to coerce them into paying him increasingly large amounts of money for workshops and 'coaching' and he uses all of those predatory sales tactics such as false sense of urgency/scarcity, guilt tripping etc He's like a spider at the centre of a sales funnel web and I'm the only one who was able to see it and fly away. When I left the group chat, despite being a member for a whole year, not one person reached out to me to ask me why/how I was which was another blow.

The second incident - I had to end what I thought was a friendship of 6 years after I realised she was repeatedly trying to insist I was this permanent victim in order to elevate herself. I realised she didn't see me as a friend, she was pitying me and patronising me and her last message sent me into a bad spiral where I had to ring Samaritans. Seeing this 'friendship' clearly really shook me because for years I felt calmed and reassured that I'd managed to make a local friend, something I struggle with.

The final incident - I went to local hobby group and a guy there was increasingly hostile towards me, discouraging me from learning a new skill, treating me like an idiot whilst telling me not to write anything down and insulting my ADHD. I wanted to be part of this community but I would need to avoid this man completely which might be a challenge.

Can anyone else relate to showing up to groups/friendships with good, calm, positive intent and getting harmed by people and feeling massively disillusioned and drained as a result? I am a sociable introvert so I don't feel the recluse life is for me but it's hard finding community where I feel a sense of peace, warmth, connection and safety.

I had a really bad experience earlier this week. I thought I'd found a new community I could be part of, it's a creative/technology place and I went because I'm interested in retraining in IT. Having a bad experience there combined with many more bad experiences in other places has left me feeling low, I'm wondering if I'm facing a future as some kind of recluse.

The first time I went to this group everyone seemed friendly and welcoming. It was all men except one autistic woman who wore headphones and didn't speak to anyone. It felt a bit intimidating being the only woman socialising there but it felt more welcoming than quite a lot of other groups, especially women-only craft groups that often have a cliquey vibe.

Unfortunately when I returned, the vibe felt different. The friendly guy who showed me around wasn't there and I sort of got accosted by this older guy. He said he could teach me how to do my first computing project. But whatever I said he had a negative response to it. He insisted that the people there who worked in IT were super clever and I was nowhere near being like them (I know that, I am a beginner and have no illusions of knowing more than I do). He kept making me explain why I'd turned up there and it made me feel confused and question myself.

He refused to clearly answer any of my questions. I was making notes and he kept telling me that I didn't need to write things down, then saying that 'he could tell I was right at the beginning' if I didn't know such and such. When I said I remembered something from the past, he said 'I didn't know you were that old.' I went to the bathroom and chatted to a few people on my way back and when I returned he was really critical about me apparently having 'no attention span.' I said I had ADHD and he disparagingly said shaking his head "I thought it must be that."

Unfortunately it takes me a while to process situations so it was only the next day that I realised the guy had been insulting me and putting me down the whole time. If I'd realised at the time I would've left or talked to someone else, but my brain was still stuck on the 'this guy is helping me do a project so I should try to listen and learn' thought. I think he was actually trying to discourage and hinder me from learning, like an anti-teacher.

I am now thinking it's best if I don't return, wondering if maybe these guys don't actually want me there because I'm a woman? I've thought about emailing the owners to tell them what happened, but I'm worried that they might all turn on me after initially pretending to be friendly, since I've experienced this a few times in other places? I also don't want to get quizzed on my technical knowledge and humiliated, I was hoping it'd be a supportive space where I could learn alongside my self-study at home.

Let me know your thoughts and if you can relate, thank you.

I've been getting a lot more migraines recently and one thing I've noticed is that my neck is often very stiff and my back is often sore and I'm wondering if it's connected. I sometimes wake up with a stiff neck and then the migraine turns up a few hours later.

Has anyone researched the migraine/stiff neck connection? Does migraine cause a stiff neck or do neck issues cause migraine?

I'm going to book in for a massage and try out a different type of pillow. I also think I'm spending too much time watching YouTube and reading articles on my phone which is probably contributing to it. I'm trying to return to work but at this rate I've really been struggling lately.

I am extremely tired. Exhausted, of constantly been misunderstood, disrespected and socially rejected. I am a kind, quiet, creative, reflective and considerate person but the more decent I am, the more it seems to anger others and worsen their treatment of me.

I have been reflecting on this for years, trying to understand it. I can only conclude that I am different to the others, like I have descended from an entirely different species of human. The world around us is very different to the kind of world I'd like to live in. Society values loudness, arrogance, meanness, selfishness, deceit, aggression, hyper sexuality and greed. In contrast, I often think I'd have been happiest living a few hundred years ago in a small cottage in the countryside, surrounded by animals and nature, selling eggs or baskets at market once a week and making cosy meals at home with food I'd grown myself.

I've been rewatching BBC's Merlin, I was only watching it to relax in a Medieval-themed world but instead it has opened up so many thoughts.

The show seems to represent the way the Anglo-Saxons/English took over these islands, cast out and oppressed the Celts (represented by the sorcerers and Druids in the show). Instead of wanting Arthur to succeed, I am on the side of the sorcerers. Merlin is sadly a traitor to his people, who he often betrays to protect Arthur, who is frequently arrogant, patronising and rude and Uther is a low-empathy bully.

I think if the Celts hadn't been oppressed by the Anglo Saxons, I believe our world would be totally different today. It would be so much more peaceful, because after invading Britain they went all over the world and invaded many other countries, and took over America and spread these values over there too.

I am feeling very low at the moment. I recently had to cut off my only local 'friend' after I realised she was subtly insulting me, pitying me and putting me down. She sent me a message over the weekend that felt so insulting I had to ring Samaritans and spend the day recovering.

Last week I had to leave a local confidence building/public speaking group I'd joined after it rapidly changed and seems to be turning into a self improvement cult.

I have a history of being disrespected and mistreated in groups, and being abandoned by people who I've known for years who I thought I could trust.

My family is full of narcissists on both sides as well as a lot of mental health problems and alcoholism. I rarely see them because they often make me feel so destabilised. In friendship groups from school, I noticed I was often 'bottom of the hierarchy,' left out of plans being made and just told after everything had been decided, and often laughed at.

I made a friend in my twenties, became close to her family and wider network but over the years I noticed most of them had started to treat me like dirt, with my friend expecting free lifts and even for me to pay for her food when we went out. It's a long story but they abruptly cut me out of their lives twice, after emailing me saying I'd not done anything wrong and they knew what they were doing was cruel.

I tried a volunteer group and the woman leading it, who was initially nice to me, started to relentlessly mock and bully me once other people turned up, and they joined in.

I joined a co-working space and the same thing happened, the owner was initially nice to me and then as soon as he had an audience they made fun of me. Years later on a dating app he messaged me asking 'was I horrible to you' and he apologised but it didn't feel genuine.

I was part of a volunteer group once which I loved because I was finally treated with kindness and respect but after 5 years it got shut down and none of them stayed in touch despite my efforts.

I am thinking that my early childhood wiring has made me have traits/behaviours that result in further scapegoating and I need to somehow change this, but I am exhausted. I'm in my early 40s now. To me it seems as if most people are really not good, kind people because if they were I wouldn't have encountered so much bad behaviour. I have made constant effort to pick myself up and not isolate myself by joining all sorts of things over many years, yet I mostly end up on my own again. I wish I wasn't a social person but I'm a 'sociable introvert' so spending my whole life in solitude tends to make my mental health decline.

Can anyone else relate? Have you managed to build a happy life for yourself and find people who treat you with kindness, love and respect and if so how did you do it?

I got a text from a friend this morning and it made me feel extremely depressed. I've struggled with this friend for a while but I don't have many friends or much of a support network so I've ignored these issues for a while.

The history of the friendship is that we met as neighbours and she was supportive when I went through bereavement. We have a few things in common so we met up quite a few times and I looked after her pet when she went on holiday. She is a homeowner from a wealthy family and has a wide support network of friends whereas I am renting and on benefits trying to return to work despite health issues.

At first I thought she was kind but I've started to think she likes me to always be in the 'struggling sad victim' role to cast herself as the 'supporter/fixer.' When I was grieving I didn't notice this as I needed the support, but as I came out of the acute grief stage I started to notice that she was quite patronising. She doesn't seem to like meeting up with me often and cancelled the last time we were meant to meet up and ignored my suggestion about rearranging it.

Then, a few months ago she texted me a few times saying sorry she'd not been in touch, I said no problem I wasn't expecting a text and I asked how she was, she then told me she was really depressed and struggling to keep going and was disappointed with the people in her life. I was supportive but she'd previously told me to ring a helpline when I'd felt that low myself, and it was also midnight so I eventually also suggested she ring a helpline. She replied saying she didn't like helplines as she has to repeat herself, I didn't know how to respond to that so I went to bed.

About a week later she sent me a weird message which seemed to invert the script, acting as if I'd been the one who'd been seriously depressed the week earlier when it had been her. The text felt strangely patronising and gaslight-y, especially because at that time I was doing well, applying for jobs and I'd found a new volunteer job and a hobby group to join so I was feeling better about things.

This morning I woke up feeling a bit low and anxious about my life and also lonely because bank holidays often make me feel lonely, but I also had a few things planned and I had a good day yesterday. I then opened up my phone and had a text from her which really knocked me back and made me feel awful. She said she'd been to a local place (with other people) where she saw they're running a project for lonely people where you sit on a bench and talk to volunteers. She sent me a photo of it and said it reminded her of me!! Instead of saying 'hey would you like to meet up for coffee/a walk' etc she's saying 'hey there's this project for lonely people to talk to strangers on a bench, you should go there!' It felt like such an insult and a kick in the gut receiving that text.

This woman isn't really my friend is she? I don't like cutting off more people as I've had to distance myself from quite a few narcissistic people in the past but I think having her in my life just seems to be making me feel worse.

I'm feeling exhausted and depressed by my life experiences and could do with some support. I come from as family where there are multiple narcissists on both sides, there is always a lot of mocking, put downs, cruel 'jokes' etc when I'm around them and the last few times I've seen them I had to ring Samaritans afterwards to cope so I now avoid them. My ex was abusive, I had to report him to the police and I've been single ever since, I find dating and relationships make me anxious so I haven't tried to date in several years. I don't have any children so for all of the above reasons I'm quite isolated.

I am however determined not to give up on myself so I've been very proactive at trying to create a life for myself. Unfortunately, I've been repeatedly had further bad experiences and I am now just so jaded. For example:

- I was part of a great volunteer group but the charity got taken over by a man the staff called a sociopath and he shut down the volunteering projects I was involved in and disbanded all of the volunteers. It was devastating as I lost a whole community as well as volunteer work in beautiful locations that I loved;

- I tried multiple local groups, hobbies, choirs etc but struggled to find anywhere that was a good fit, I counted that I tried 22 different things in the space of 2-3 years;

- Found a nice local support group which was good at first but it was run by students whose placements all ended and then the coordinator got a new job. It got taken over by new inexperienced students who couldn't manage some of the difficult personalities and it became a stressful place to be;

- Through the support group I found out about another local coaching/confidence building group which seemed good at first but it turned out it was a sales funnel for a guy selling expensive 'coaching' and workshops. Over time the red flags became clear and now it seems like it might be turning into a self improvement cult.

This morning I woke up feeling depressed and lonely, it's a bank holiday in the UK. One of my only local 'friends' send me a text which made me feel much worse. She said she'd been to this nice local place recently and sent me a photo of a project they're running where you can go and sit on a bench there and volunteers will talk to you, she said it reminded her of me!! This same friend cancelled our last meet-up, then told me she was really depressed and didn't want to go on and wanted my support, and now is fine again hanging out with her wealthy and supportive friends and family. Instead of inviting me to meet up, she tells me about a project where I can go and talk to strangers on a bench? It felt like a real low point to get that text.

I always used to find Coca Cola helped me sometimes reduce or even get rid of a migraines but I had a weird experience last year when I had two Coca Cola cans from the same pack that gave me the weird 'chemical' fuzzy feeling in my head I get when I have decaf coffee. I looked online and it said there could've been too high an amount of some chemical in that particular batch so it made me stop buying them.

I then moved onto regular Pepsi which seemed better but people online are saying even the regular one is now full of sweeteners. Here in the UK we have a 'sugar tax' which means they're taking out sugar and adding chemical sweeteners to more products.

I am thinking of trying some of those fancier colas you have to order online and I wondered if anyone here had tried any/can recommend any colas that have fewer or no chemical sweeteners? This has got me thinking that if a company created Migraineur Cola with no artificial sweeteners or weird chemicals then they'd probably have a popular product!

I'm not quite sure where to write about this but it's been a weird experience that I need to share.

About a year ago a man I'll call Alan came and did a talk at this community centre where I was part of a support group and afterwards he invited me to his confidence building group. I was super lonely and isolated at the time looking to rebuild my life so I went and at first it was great. Everyone was friendly, welcoming and supportive and we practiced different confidence building activities which were genuinely helpful. I have been wanting to return to work and it made that feel less daunting.

Unfortunately, the first red flag however was that to be part of the group you had to pay a subscription. I asked Alan if I could be a non-paying member until I'd got a job and he agreed but everyone else as far as I know as paying.

A few months down the line I realised that the group was technically a sales funnel for a business jointly? owned by Alan and his business partner I'll call Gavin. Alan always seemed like a warm, genuinely caring guy but as soon as I saw Gavin's messages in the group's WhatsApp chat he alarmed me. He is always trying to get people to sign up to increasingly expensive workshops and uses those predatory sales tactics such as 'this offer is just for the first 10 people who sign up' and 'this is a great opportunity and remember, the offer price will increase next week.' I looked at their website and they have various workshops increasing in price going right up to 'executive level' extortionately priced 'coaching.'

Alan suddenly became ill with a terminal diagnosis and left the group with immediate affect, nobody told me what was happening until I asked and it felt pretty distressing. As soon as Alan left, Gavin has taken over the group and it has become weirder and weirder. I think he tells people who go to his other workshops to write various things in the group chat, so now they're all speaking in the weird way he does, for example it's things like:

'Thanks for providing a safe space for us to share today Gavin, I am so glad to be part of this' and even 'Thanks for postponing your spa visit to spend time with us today Gavin.'

Lots of talk about 'levelling up, ' 'investing in yourself,' 'stepping into your power' and all of the rest of that creepy toxic positivity salesy cult-like language. There's always an underlying vibe of 'anyone who doesn't sign up is negative/not investing in themselves, don't be like that' and lots of not-so-subtle boasting about how he normally charges loads and travels all over the world for 'high ticket clients.'

I feel creeped out and alarmed by how the group has changed and I've left. Thankfully I've found a new volunteer job and a local creative community plus I'm job hunting so I don't feel as isolated now.

I'd love to hear your views on this, thanks for reading.

I'm not quite sure where to write about this but it's been a weird experience that I need to share.

About a year ago a man I'll call Alan came and did a talk at this community centre where I was part of a support group and afterwards he invited me to his confidence building group. I was super lonely and isolated at the time looking to rebuild my life so I went and at first it was great. Everyone was friendly, welcoming and supportive and we practiced different confidence building activities which were genuinely helpful. I have been wanting to return to work and it made that feel less daunting.

Unfortunately, the first red flag however was that to be part of the group you had to pay a subscription. I asked Alan if I could be a non-paying member until I'd got a job and he agreed but everyone else as far as I know as paying.

A few months down the line I realised that the group was technically a sales funnel for a business jointly? owned by Alan and his business partner I'll call Gavin. Alan always seemed like a warm, genuinely caring guy but as soon as I saw Gavin's messages in the group's WhatsApp chat he alarmed me. He is always trying to get people to sign up to increasingly expensive workshops and uses those predatory sales tactics such as 'this offer is just for the first 10 people who sign up' and 'this is a great opportunity and remember, the offer price will increase next week.' I looked at their website and they have various workshops increasing in price going right up to 'executive level' extortionately priced 'coaching.'

Alan suddenly became ill with a terminal diagnosis and left the group with immediate affect, nobody told me what was happening until I asked and it felt pretty distressing. As soon as Alan left, Gavin has taken over the group and it has become weirder and weirder. I think he tells people who go to his other workshops to write various things in the group chat, so now they're all speaking in the weird way he does, for example it's things like:

'Thanks for providing a safe space for us to share today Gavin, I am so glad to be part of this' and even 'Thanks for postponing your spa visit to spend time with us today Gavin.'

Lots of talk about 'levelling up, ' 'investing in yourself,' 'stepping into your power' and all of the rest of that creepy toxic positivity salesy cult-like language. There's always an underlying vibe of 'anyone who doesn't sign up is negative/not investing in themselves, don't be like that' and lots of not-so-subtle boasting about how he normally charges loads and travels all over the world for 'high ticket clients.'

I feel creeped out and alarmed by how the group has changed and I've left. I'd love to hear your views on this, thanks for reading.

I was recently trying to describe to my mum how my 'migraines with aura' feel and struggled to describe the aura. I could never relate to people saying they see flashing lights or zigzags because that's not what I experience, for me everything gets 'weird' and my spatial awareness gets worse, I get clumsy and everything feels 'surreal.' This surreality usually happens several hours after the head pain and is always the last symptom to go because the migraine medications only ever get rid of the pain.

I have a migraine currently and I finally was able to have a shower and I suddenly lost my balance and stumbled in the shower but I made sure I fell backwards towards the wall and then steadied myself. I asked google about it and it mentioned vestibular migraines. I am now wondering after all these years, have I been experiencing vestibular migraines rather than migraine with aura. I will ask my GP to be referred to a neurologist.

I've been struggling seeing my mum get older, sometimes it wakes me up in the night and I cry a lot about it. I'm in my early 40s.

Over the last few years I saw my father and two aunts die of dementia. I went through a lot of other losses and ended up in a bad place with grief and isolation where I wasn't functioning well (I don't have a partner or children). I leaned on my mum during that time, she was one of the few people left in my life. I have a large extended family who I tried to reconnect with but I often felt worse after being around them and had to ring the Samaritans so I avoid them now, they mostly don't live nearby anyway.

Me and my mum got through all of these losses together, we'd go on long walks and talk a lot. We developed a garden together which we both loved and it helped us a lot. Throughout the time our family members dying my mum didn't seem to age at all, she seemed the same from about the age of 60-79. It was so, so helpful for me that my mum was emotionally and physically strong, I don't know how I would've survived that time.

Then suddenly around the age of 79 it's like she suddenly started to age. She developed an arthritis-like condition and we had to give up the garden and stop going on long walks. We both adjusted to her being more 'elderly' rather than just 'older' and she still got the train and went on a few trips but she's 81 now and she now doesn't drive much, she finally started asking me to collect her after years of refusing to let me drive us anywhere. We went to a local museum recently and she struggled to walk on slightly uneven ground, we went to a pub and she complained of being cold and it being noisy when it was a normal temperature and not particularly loud. I've always been the one with sensory issues and she's always been strong, robust and quite vibrant. It felt painful seeing her not liking even being sat in a pub.

What's even more confusing is that up until age 79, she could also be quite a controlling, bossy and manipulative woman. She did something very cruel to me about 10 years ago and for years I went low contact and tried to create my own life. Looking at the Karpman drama triangle, at times she was the persecutor and other times the rescuer. I never felt like I could be a fully independent adult because she always seemed to infantilise me, insist on doing everything, discouraged me from working and telling me all men cheat etc

I have been trying to teach myself how to be an independent adult for years and was almost managing it until I went through so much loss. After the losses I ended up pretty dependent on her again. Now she's elderly I have no choice but to figure it out. Even though our relationship used to be more toxic it was actually easier for me to navigate because in some ways I was a bit like a bird in a gilded cage. I feel horrible and guilty for writing this, and it's so confusing because she's no longer that overpowering woman. I often feel very scared about my future and how I'll survive. I have a few health issues myself which makes it a challenge. Thanks for listening and for any support or advice.