u/Pixel-Warrior-7350

My health issues are like a massive shopping list. There isn’t a single spot on my body that’s not affected.

Want to volunteer? Here’s hip dysplasia, severe flat feet, and unexplained back and joint problems.

Want to draw? Here’s your visual impairment.

Want to find a partner? Here’s your autism and transgender identity.

Want to make friends? Here’s more autism, PTSD, and depression.

Want to just exist? Here’s a ton of strange, unexplained symptoms that turn you into a helpless vegetable.

Want to buy some tasty food to drown your sorrows in? Here’s mast cell hyperactivity syndrome.

I live in a homeless shelter; my life is hell. I can’t even touch doorknobs without risking a severe systemic allergic reaction. And my roommates couldn’t care less about my condition. I’ve completely adapted to them, and my only request was that they warn me if they mess up my stuff so I can clean it up myself afterward, but they didn’t even listen to me. Whatever I do, whatever I touch, whatever I smell, whatever I eat—everything triggers a severe allergic reaction in me. And I don’t have access to doctors because mandatory state insurance doesn’t cover anything.

And of course, I’m too dumb to learn English or German, and I’m in a foreign country and can’t even have a simple conversation with anyone. And the Germans hate me for it.

I can’t socialize with people—what am I supposed to say to them? “You made yourself a delicious meal that I can’t eat? How cool!” “You had a wonderful date with a partner I’ll never have? Cool!" "You were able to buy yourself a computer and games to immerse yourself in incredible adventures that I’ll never be able to afford? Cool!"

People literally despise me; they want me to support their happiness, and they couldn’t care less that I’m suffering. Society believes that suffering is the fault of those who suffer. And that’s why I hate myself. It will never end.

I’m so lonely, my life is meaningless, it will never end.

Everything always ends badly, and that’s no exaggeration. No matter what I do, everything plays out according to the worst-case scenario, as if I don’t deserve respect or dignity.

Every animal, every plant, every living thing exists for one reason only—it reproduces—and any individual that has mutated in a negative way dies.

Nature is reproduction and death in agony.

People constantly talk about how diverse, beautiful, and extraordinary the world around us is. But I see that it’s all just a selfish race of genes, random, chaotic mutations, and death in suffering when something goes wrong.

And many people are fine with that. People who haven’t faced suffering or aren’t aware of it believe that all of this is wonderful and right. But in reality, it’s all disgusting and unjust.

It starts with the fact that I still haven’t been able to get a proper diagnosis. The only treatment I’m receiving is a double dose of Desloratadine every day. Recently, I had a very severe flare-up for absolutely unknown reasons that lasted a week. Everything was swollen—hives, brain fog, and such extreme fatigue that it felt like paralysis, among other symptoms. All I could do was endure it and wait to see what would happen next.

I’ve been living like this for a year now. For some reason, it’s also combined with severe dysphagia (Eosinophilic Esophagitis was not confirmed, but honestly, the doctors are so negligent that they could have easily ruined my samples by mistake). Either way, I feel so inadequate because for a year now, I’ve been eating nothing but pumpkin, buckwheat, broccoli, gluten-free oats, and refined rapeseed oil—all in the form of a puree. I dream of one day just frying an egg, eating a waffle with jam, or even just having a simple banana or some chocolate... Is this really what my life is now? And I can’t even get a diagnosis or support; all I get is humiliation and gaslighting.

Against this backdrop, I’ve been surviving as best as I can on 360 euros a month. I used to go to Kaufland and buy the only perfume-free soap they had, Bevola Sensitive. It cost 0.75 cents for 150 grams, and I used it for everything: my body, hands, dishes, floors, hair, everything.

I also bought Bio buckwheat there for 2 euros per 500 grams. It wasn’t perfect—maybe I even react to it sometimes—but it’s too nutritious to give up. I often found other grains and stones mixed in there.

Today, I went there and wasted two hours for nothing: they stopped selling that soap entirely, and there were only three packs of buckwheat left, which will only last me 9 days.

I had to look for soap and buckwheat on Amazon. I found Dalli Pflege-Kernseife. It seems to be hypoallergenic, but I don’t really know... I paid 10 euros for a pack of 9 bars (125g each). It’s more expensive than my old soap, and that’s terrible.

I found some buckwheat—it’s cheap, but it’s from Russia, where there are no European standards. I don’t know what to do; I can’t afford the more expensive options! It’s buckwheat from DovGan, 5kg for 17 euros. I’ll have to buy such a large amount, and if I have an allergic reaction, I won’t be able to just throw it away. I’ll have to finish it to the very end and just hope I don’t die.

I just need someone to talk to. I’m on the verge of tears; I just can’t cope anymore.

I went to get a food allergy test today, and the doctor said the tests were negative, meaning I didn't have an allergy. I asked if it could be Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. He said no, it's impossible because there are no antibodies, even though that's a complete lie and doesn't work that way. As a result, he didn't even want to refer me to another hospital. So, I took the initiative myself and found out online that if you avoid allergens for a year or two, you won't develop any antibodies at all. But immune cells have memories, and if I had trusted this doctor and eaten the allergen to which I had a severe reaction, I would have simply died, and this idiot would have lived on and admired himself.

I've had a severe flare-up over the past week, even though I haven't eaten anything new. Unfortunately, I can't find a doctor, and I don't know what to do to improve my condition. Everything is swelling, I'm extremely tired, even paralyzed, especially before bed and in the mornings, and my head is foggy. What should I do? I live in Berlin.