u/PixieDustBunnyHop

I’m turning 27 next month and honestly, after I turned 25… I gained more weight eventhough my eating habits were the same and since I’m recently trying to get back to the gym, I’m also easily tired na rin (maybe I’m just getting used to it but idk).

Its a bit difficult to accept my body now as it is kse most of my life, I was thin and now… I’m more curvier than I’d like to be (bcs of all the stress from the past year and stuff). I love all body shapes, its just how it looks on me - I find unflattering. Others can rock their natural curves and they look beautiful, idk ig I’m struggling lng to feel and find myself beautiful.

What are your thoughts?

This has been on my mind eversince that first time I had my make up done for my gradpic and then again, for the actual day of my graduation.

For context, I was delayed quite a bit bcs of several things na nangyare sa buhay ko but of course, I thought I still needed to finish my studies talaga. Wala ng ibang choice for me. Idk, never ko naman napansin na super halata na hindi ko ka-age yung mga kaklase ko. They never even noticed it until I had to say my age that one time (I’m 26).

Kaya nung nagpa-makeup ako at school for my grad pic and the time I had my make up done sa hotel, both make up artists asked my age - eventhough they know na its for grad. Super conscious ko nun that time, idk maybe I looked too old? Didn’t help rin na the one that did my makeup nung mismong graduation, they didn’t upload the pics they took of me after they did my makeup 💀

Nagoverthink lng ako and spiraling about my appearance lately, since marami naman talagang changes compared to my early 20’s. Iba talaga pag bata pa, bcs now my weight and skin are completely different talaga.

Idk if this has been asked before but na-curious lng ako. As someone that had this thought pass through their head, napapaisip ako minsan if I missed out sa ganong phase ng kabataan 🤣 wondering if its like smthng one should experience to get it out of your system (as people have said before)

I mean I could if I wanted to kaso marami kse akong insecurities and yung conscience ko masiyadong malakas, so never kong inisip na kaya ko mag FWB.

Always wondered this kse parang bihira palang ako nakakita ng organic encounter, even sa mga friends ko (kahit mga lalakeng kaibigan ko na tinanungan ko if nagfirst move ba sila randomly in public; clubs, cafe, etc.)

And if not, bakit?

Note: if natanong na ‘to before, sorry 💀

I had this bf when I was 22 and him 23, he was perfect. Lahat ng gusto ko sa isang lalake, ideal man but someone na I never thought na magkakagusto rin saken. Too attractive (half-korean and half-japanese = could easily be a kpop idol), smart, good body, amazing voice - he was just cool and had niche opinions/hobbies (prolly not that niche but rare to see around people na around my age nun).

He was just everything to me. What we had was intense, sobra yung magnetic pull niya saken na my heart was just pounding hard when I talk to him - like my nerves were pumping liquid fire.

But the thing is, alot of things happened within our relationship. He got COVID noon and was hospitalized for almost a month, not hearing from him all throughout that time. Then after that, he wasn’t the same guy anymore; didn’t have time for me (bcs of his work) and spent his free time with his friends over the weekends. He wasn’t as affectionate and he was just cold, minsan pa nga he’d make little slights at me rin - I liked him or even loved him too much na at the slightest feel lng ng rejection, masakit na.

I broke up with him and then made the mistake of immediately letting someone else court me to make him jealous, which I know he was deep down. I gave him a chance to step up and apologize para he can make up things/fix things with me, but to no avail his ego got the best of him. I ended up taking the new guy seriously and at first, it was great (as they all are, magaling lng sa simula) but he and his family had terms so that they’d accept me as his gf and eventually wife if we ever come to that (he was part of a cult, iykyk). Down the line, me and the new guy were finally in a rocky place bcs I wouldn’t join the cult and at impeccable timing, my ex (Let’s just call him G) came to contact me and wanted to talk to me - he seemed in distress and I just couldn’t not be there for him, even just as a friend.

I heard him out and he was telling me all about how life has just been difficult for him, and how he realized he treated me badly. Obviously I kept my boundaries and just listened to him as a friend, eventhough it hurt as hell to hear him say and be all the stuff that I wanted him to be when we were together. After a while, I distanced myself from him since hindi naman na niya ako kailangan aside from that night where he needed someone to listen and also bcs, I actually came to love my current bf at the time (despite all the trouble that bf put me through rin, I was still his gf and I wouldn’t cross that line).

Throughout the years, me and him would be in contact regardless if I was still with someone or not. I just thought we could be friends or were friends first, rather than just being exes only. And throughout all those years, not once has he dated anyone else after me. He’s not perfect, he had his times na it felt like it was more about physical stuff for him and that he only paid attention when I’d be going along with his way - everything about our relationship had to be approved by him, spending time would only happen on his terms and when its convenient for him. He could never show up for me when he’s not ready or on his terms, but yun yun eh - relationships need for both parties to show up regardless of how convenient the timing is.

Now, I’m in a stable relationship with an incredible guy but still… My mind wanders back to him. I hate that I still crave the thrill and the validation of being with him, its like I’m an addict na I get off on the high of the push and pull. I spoke to him recently, to confront him about all the things that weren’t left unsaid but more like things he’s never heard or decided to hear. But again, he’d always say the right things too late (somehow, I feel like he always say those things only to continue the cruel abuse of going round in circles again) - all the realizations and promises that have not once been fulfilled through the multiple times we tried to make it work. But I held my ground and told him that I can’t bcs there’s already someone in the picture, and also bcs I’m in a sensitive time in my life where I’m close to reaching my dreams.

Right now, I’m just trying to be strong and choose myself this time. I know its stupid giving in - in the first place, talking to him again. Focusing and choosing what’s best for me, working on my goals, etc. Hopefully, you guys wouldn’t judge me to harshly. I just needed to get it off my chest, minadali ko lng ‘tong sulatin and I don’t think I fully captured the entire story exactly how it was but yeah, just have to express how I feel.