Finally accepted only to feel dread
I honestly don’t know what to do. I have waited years to finally build the courage to go back to school, and worked so hard for another masters to strengthen my odds for PhD apps. I got into my top choice even. I was so elated. However, a lot personal shit happened in a very short period of time. Deaths in the family, health/death scares, moving, births, marriages, big moves, financial anxiety. I apparently have high blood pressure now. I can keep going. I feel like I’m lost, while shit is happening around me. To top it all off a “situationship” lol (probably the major trigger alongside financial anxiety).
I feel like I’m losing my shit. I feel such intense dread about starting this program. I don’t know what it is, I feel like I’m going to fail. Like I’m not smart enough. That there is so much that it asks of us and I’m not up for the task. Which logically I know is not true, I just have to put in the work. It will be hard but I will make it through.
I think graduating and getting accepted to the program triggered some kind of existential dread. I’m exhausted and I haven’t even started yet. In parallel to all this, I have very little luck in my love life. I don’t know how to keep living life alone, I want to be in a relationship. Get married. Maybe have kids. Yet this has made me feel like it will never happen. It doesn’t help that every other post on reddit I have read has been about how someone’s relationship has failed because of their pursuit for their PhD.
I’m sure some of you will find this trivial. In many ways it is. I guess I’m just looking for advice? A reality check? I don’t know but I’ve been sick to my stomach.