u/PolypterusEndli

I feel like i genuinely cant remember anything anymore i csnt even form proper thoughts , i know the 400mg of lamictal is definitely a contributing factor but i know i used to be so much smarter, it feels like my brain is rotting from the inside out. After my last psychosis episode one year ago that lasted months i realized when i came out of my entire body deteriorated, i get tremors all my bones crack and snap when i move, every joint in my body hurts and my glasses prescription went from a -6.50 to a -8.00, i almost always have a headache and my acid reflux and ibs has gotten so much worse. Ive also become super paranoid of everyone and everything when i was not before this episode. Ill just stand there and stare not being able to form a thought or sentence, i cant spell alot of words now and dont understand grammar at all anymore i tried to go down on my meds but it made me super unstable, i know i need to be on antipsychotics but my body litterly rejects them, i get so sick and feel so ill i cant get out of bed without puking. I feel my mind getting worse everyday its getting harder at my work because i can barely remember what table to take the food to or what order someone is activly telling me to write down. I used to be “smart” i got A-b grades in highschool untill senior year of highschool when my bipolar slaped me in the face and was hospitalized for a bit then i failed all my classes i had a severe concussion in 5th grade, along with a few minior untreated ones from sports im not sure if that has anything to do with it i was also on zoloft for 7 years as a child that could also be a contributing factor possibly?
Im in college right now and i think my academic professors just feel bad for me and pass me with a C, my essays and tests are always horrible but i think they see that I really am trying my hardest i just am not the brightest. i go to a super small school and i may or may not be a bit infamous for a few psychosis stunts from freshman year, i got reported to the public safety multiple times by teachers. Shi is so embarrassing because alot of people only know me from stories of insane shi ive done. Everyone jokes around with me about my obviously horrid academic skills, i try to laugh with them but in reality it actually really hurts and i wish this disease wasnt ruining my life id do anything to not be bipolar