I’m just so fucked. I can’t find peace. I can’t find peace and I’m so annoyed. I’m so so annoyed. And exhausted. And tired. But exhausted isn’t stopping the panic. I can’t believe it I’m so tired of going back and forth thinking I’m in denial, at this point I just kinda know I’m not but the intrusive thoughts are so weird.

So lonely in the nights

I feel like I lost the light of my life

I’m destroyed without her

So it’s 45 minutes after midnight here, so this is today’s post since we only get one a day.

I feel like completely straight right now. Laughable to think that I was gay.

I was thinking things over.

I do not exhibit a pattern of attraction to men. I can’t enjoy their bodies. The one thing I compulsively do, is, is stare at their ass. But like as much as I’m like “oh I enjoy a big butt on a guy”, I can’t… the fact they are a guy kinda turns me off. Like a ridiculous amount. It’s nothing more than the fact they are a man.

And I was like oh am I deeply closeted? Am I in denial?

Dude, I think I just don’t like dudes.

Seriously. Just the fact it’s round and protrudes is great. But it’s not a woman, it’s just not. And I guess I don’t quite like girl butts as much. But I love the other stuff about women a lot more. Like, a lot a lot more. Snugglier, just the vibe. I was worried that meant oh maybe I’m trans or something but no, I don’t think so. Nervous that theme will come back but I like being a boy.

I’m realizing even bi-curious has at minimum a willingness to be with men. Like you kinda WANT it. Which is like, not there even a little bit for me. I wanted to opposite so bad. I felt I was freaking the fuck out because I was like “HOW COULD I HAVE TURNED GAY? I REALLY WAS 100% STRAIGHT.”

At most, I think I like, had an attraction to a specific body part and an obsessive fear of losing women. I mean I was watching Blair Witch today and kept staring at heathers butt.
I seriously think I just like a shape in butts that’s more common with guys than girls, but not really into it on men. Maybe partly? Like I don’t know. Them being ripped feels… strong. But I’m not turned on.
But I had been exposed so long the panic kinda faded and I like… I think I… I think I just fixing logic’d it.

I feel complete euphoria. I feel free right now. I bless this feeling will take you too.

This might not last. I have no idea, time will tell. But this is the most assured I’ve felt in some time, and I didn’t do any like reassurance seeking or compulsions, I just… feel good.

I feel legit good. Like no hidden shame, no denial guilt, I don’t feel in denial for the first time in a little while.
Sorry gay guy lurkers from queer subs that read this and think “aww what a shame” but I mean hey.

I don’t need like certainty certainty. I mean I guess something could change and I could call myself bi? But I don’t fret losing women.

——————
I am gonna remain in therapy.

1. who knows maybe this fades. Don’t care right now. If I get to be okay with uncertainty of the future in a bad way, I also get to be okay with it in a good way, maybe it won’t fade I guess I’ll find out!

2. I still have like, compulsions and shit. Like I’ll probably stare, I just think less of it now. Plus I have other themes.

3. my breakup has made me one sad feller. I actually want to work on myself and improve.
   She has no idea about this acc and shit. I promise it ain’t performative. I hope one day maybe I can win her back, because honestly, I feel more like me than I ever have in YEARS and I believe I have it in me!
   ——————

I also don’t believe I am a normal case. Say this doesn’t fucking fade, say I actually feel secure and cured, it’s not like I recommend:

“Hey guys. Just ruminate on it!”

No.
This has been years for me.
And your fears, the things you are afraid of, actually happened to me. And the intrusive thoughts were so common they stopped giving me panic.

I did lose the things. I lost my sexuality, the girl I was gonna propose to, and my sense of self.

I was left with seriously nothing. Nothing to lose.
So I was like fuck it; gay.

And you know what? I don’t like it. It doesn’t “work” for me sexually.
I think I’m just… a little fruity. Mostly straight, at WORST.

If this fades, I’m gonna remember that I was blessed to have this. Better than reassurance; confidence.

My compulsions feel terrible and yes I stare. It is compulsive but I’m no longer able to tell myself that without feeling immense guilt.

People on the lgbt subreddits think I’m straight and while it provides me relief at first it doesn’t help long term. I went to abro sub for help if maybe people knew, but no.

I spend most nights grieving the breakup with my girlfriend and tormenting myself that I’m gay. I have automatic reactions to women but now automatic ogling of men. I guess my brain is letting me say that.

I don’t get hard for men and I can’t make myself aroused without manual effort but like I get a little stirring. I bet if I indulged I could get myself to enjoy it. I tried enjoying straight stuff and then quickly switching over to gay stuff to see if that would help and it doesn’t I feel shame and badness but it must be some kind of internalized homophobia.

I’ve been recommended to stop labelling myself as “deeply closeted.” I am still afraid I am. I have heard that SO-OCD had to do with the fear of becoming gay, and while it was that for me for years, I am now better described as the fear of being gay.

I cannot win. But you know what, I’m not aiming to anymore, I’m trying to accept uncertainty. I am trying my best. I relate so much to the qualities of denial, being afraid of an outcome or known truth and not wanting to look into it, just with the caveat of; “but, I wasn’t this before. Like I ‘turned’ gay.” Which is unfortunate. Don’t care if it’s offensive because it’s all that’s left of the truth.

Fluidity has claimed my brain. I am tortured and hurt and I can’t process or deal with shit. I can so clearly picture gay shit in my brain, and it bothers me on the regular. Straight people do not have these thoughts. I don’t want to be gay but I am afraid of being in denial. I just am, and I’m sorry but it’s my largest obstacle. I am afraid.

I keep crying because I miss my girlfriend. I do. I don’t feel comfortable describing it as anything other than I love her and miss her.

I’m losing it.
I get why they say I’m straight and it should make me happy but I’m in turmoil.

She will be happy without me

She will be

I am so mentally fucking ill

I love her and miss her so much

But I’m so fucking broken

Broken

Broken

Angry

Lonely

Sad

I want her to be in love with me but I know she isn’t and I’m trying so hard to let go

Don’t date mentally ill people don’t ever ever give them hope

Broken

Sad

I miss her so much

I’m such a piece of shit

I miss her

I miss everything about her

Was so close to the life I always wanted

Lost it over nothing in a completely bizarre way

Love you

Will think of you always

Losing my mind. Gay stuff has a tangible effect on ton me now. My heart rate skyrockets, I haven’t been this bad since my first breakdown with this.

I was snuggling my girlfriend, kissing her, went to bed, had a dream about a furry milf and was convinced I was gay. Searched for so many signs and didn’t want to be in denial, looked for everything I could to see that I was while grieving my girlfriend, and lost my mind. Lost my mind.

Now years later after I felt like I had got better I got dumped and I’ve abandoned everything ACT. Talked to ChatGPT and got way too much reassurance about everything, every answer gave me more questions.

Now it feels like it switched. I can’t enjoy women, I kinda can but it’s muted and dull. I still miss my gf. I miss everything about her. I enjoy things about her but out of principal I’m not gonna… you know.

I don’t understand. I never once felt attracted to men as a kid, never even once, I had wet dreams about women and felt attracted to women. Had intense crushes. Dated for years. It’s all… it all switched. It all switched.

It all switched. It all switched. It’s not fair. I liked me more before. I’ve had the thoughts for long enough that they no longer distress me and I enjoy parts of them but I hate it. I must be fully gay. I won’t be in denial. I won’t be in denial.

I miss before. I miss before but I’m not allowed to say that. Brain critiques every thought I let myself say if I don’t give in to every bad thought. Telling me I’m not allowed to miss her. Not allowed to be straight. Breaking.

Breaking, breaking. One night changed me, and I can’t break free. It feels to real. It feels real and like a nightmare. Can’t break free. Can’t break free. Deteriorating.

Can’t. Upset. Sad. Confused. Not me. Not me. All the switches and buttons and dials. Crawled inside and changed them. Not possible. It’s all I have. It’s all I have. It’s all I have. It’s all I got. I got no thoughts to let me have women back.

I accept it I accept it. I won’t be in denial. I need this to end. It only ends with me letting go of everything I was and telling myself I was so deeply closeted that the truth retroactively changed.

I explored this before. And it felt like zero attraction zero push. I wasn’t even curious I just felt like I should because my friend came out and I was like I probably should check to make sure I go the path I like. never once has a man been attractive to me all through puberty. This thought disgusts me. But it won’t let me say that. Won’t let me.

I just, I know I like something when I look at it online, and with women it went away, ugh.

I’m so sorry I feel so sorry about it all. I feel so fuckin sorry. I’m so god damn sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry

I’ve been trying to call myself gay for a bit and actual gay people don’t think so.

I’ve only asked for a verdict under pressure, my strongest arousal shit is female stuff, every time I talk about gay stuff I just seem anxious, I’m upset at the idea of losing women more than the label, my attraction to women in the past and even present seems pretty specific to women and natural, and despite me getting images in my head it’s more like… I don’t know. I’m not aroused. At best I’m bi-curious and notice a little attraction, I could be bi, I don’t really care.

I want to move forward with therapy still I wanna resume it.

Having said all this;

I feel like I lost everything still. Which is shit. Fuck.

Just masturbated and was like trying to be okay with gay stuff and I just, Iooked up gay blowjob and kinda liked it and kinda didn’t and freakin out, it’s all so scary I wanted to be straight. Went to a big boob milf blowjob and noticed I focused on the penis at first and I just, I don’t know, it went away but I don’t like it… I don’t like it! Fear! Fear, from where?? Why fear???

I grieve

I grieve

I was straight before and lost it all, this did not do it for me, this was just like, a thing I knew of and kinda grossed me out, I must’ve been in denial because what the FUCK is this fluidity.

I must be trans too. I felt the same about the trans stuff and the gay stuff so if the gay stuff is real the trans stuff is real.

Fuck.

No no no. No! No… no……

I can’t breathe
Norin

Lauren I’m scared as hell

I’m scared and I miss you what am I am I gay am I, what, what am I???

Losing it.

Losing it.

Fuck!

This must be denial. Deep closeting. Big homophobia. That’s the only explanation for the fear.

I’m so sorry

Having a really bad day.

Had a good talk with one guy on r/askbibros but like, I don’t know. I hate the incongruity. Just trying to accept it, that always seems to be the go to but I’m still in turmoil. It’s clear that no matter what I’ll always be distressed.

I can’t be who I want to be and I’m so different than before. Life is terrible, oh god.

Hi

So I am kinda all over the place and I’m trying to figure out my sexuality.
This may be kinda ramble-y.

This is NOT meant to be rude. Its not that I think it is. I have high functioning autism, I just, I have a hard time with telling if maybe I go too far or overshare. But please. If I say something wrong please know Im sorry

My life is crumbling. And I will commit suicide soon. I need you guys, I need answers, I need something. Something to stick. Im in therapy and on medications, nothings helping, I try being gay, bi, trans, pan, straight, ace, nothing works. And I have a story and I need to know if people relate. Can understand me. I NEED this one to not go unseen. Please.

22M.

I am posting this here because it was removed from r/askgaybros

This is a long one, I really hope people will have the patience to read this, there isn’t a great TL;DR for this kinda thing.

Sexual acts in maybe crude descriptions are described. Please be warned. I see a couple posts here about like anal and eating coochie and sucking peen and it’s not really worse than that but I want to maintain the PG13 feel.

My post history is probably really f*cked up. Maybe that gives more insight to mental state. I don’t know.

I hope to f*ck I didn’t phrase things bad or break the rules on the sub. I really hope to find answers guys. Please. Im really trying.

I’ve been warned Reddit may give blunt, oversimplified answers. I doubt there is an easy answer to this here, but… I just, I think I need a broad range of queer input.

Someone’s gotta know. I can’t be alone here.

—————————

Edit: after typing all this, Im gonna try my best at a TL;DR but like, Im really hoping to not get comments from people that didnt actually read my story.

I got bad OCD. Big time. spend a shit ton of time checking and checking. this is one of the most disruptive themes.

I had a crazy dream, didn't really seem like a gay dream but it terrified me I was gay. I was unable to watch TV shows or be in public without obsessing about it.

But I was in a relationship. And this is the most invalidating shit ever. I don't know. I can't really do "bi" in my brain. So im really afraid of just being gay. Im very scared of the whole straight --> bi --> gay pipeline. I don't want to not have loved her. What the hell else did I feel? I felt genuine attraction to her but my mind is destroying me in hindsight. I wanted to do more with her but she didnt have a very active libido, and thats fine.

I had a hard time because every time I looked this girl in the eyes I couldn't help but get an erection. I had legitimate blue balls when she started crashing over at my place because I was erect all the time. How the hell could I be gay?

Whatever. She's gone now. I lament that. And am lost in the exploration of myself

Here's a big thing. I definitely have SO-OCD regardless of my orientation. And if you don't really grasp OCD maybe refrain from commenting.

I don't think its as simple as being in denial but I have to check. I just have to.

—————————
I feel in turmoil.

So, I never ever had any gay experiences in my life. Not even a little. Not until I had one fever dream when I was sick once that in all honesty is NSFW in a very straight way. Having said that, I woke up terrified that some of its contents meant I was gay. The dream was about a furry milf pegging me.

I know there’s zero correlation but that dream has made me afraid of being gay, and shit manifests now. It’s weird stuff more congruent with SO-OCD, analysis, no real enjoyment. But there’s… like, some other stuff.

It’s not that I have anything against gay guys, a good couple of my buddies swing that way or are otherwise LGBT.

So all through school I had crushes on girls. They felt natural, and automatic. Like I didn’t think anything of them. Not a bunch. I don’t really think a lot of women are say… pretty. I mean I had celebrity crushes and girl classmates I liked. It did NOT feel like I was faking it because the world was heteronormative or I wanted to make myself.

There’s things I grew to despise, like the stupid forced arch some girls try to put out to push their asses out, or wear too much makeup. Maybe that makes me more a judgemental prick than, say, gay. But I damn sure liked some girls.

When a few of my friends came out, and just knowing the kind of guy I am who likes to just, take pride and security in myself, I was like “you know what, I’ll visit things too. I feel confident as is, happy and sexually engaged with the things I like, but like, hey, why not.” And go figure, I didn’t like ANY of it. Didn’t look up, like, porn or anything, just reflected, looked at some sexy cowboy posters and body types and I was like “no, this is not for me.”

Plowing another guys’ bum, that’s not really, for me.

I am autistic, and very much experimented with myself with women. It started with, going downstairs to look at strip teases on YouTube or play MnF games, that shit. And I don’t know if you know, but autistic people very commonly develop fetishes. I certainly did.

Tits. Anything and everything tits. Total mastophiliac. At first I was so nervous about exploration I didn’t even like when the bra came off, mainly cuz I was used to strip teasing. And then I REALLY liked when the bra came off. I liked everything foreplay really.

Actually, being honest; I could only ever get off to foreplay. Especially boob stuff.

Seriously, I’m talking gigabytes and gigabytes and gigabytes of everything titfuck and huge tits. Oversized even, to most people’s tastes.

But case in point;
I did not like the look of a vagina (it feels weird for me to say vagina instead of p***y but sub rules say maybe that’s a bit too graphic.) It is, in effect, just like, undulating mass. I actually, I cant even really get hard for it. And I mean if you asked me long ago, I would have told you I don’t exactly like penis either. Maybe I’m more, COMFORTABLE with one. I mean, I’m rocking one, and I’m pretty used to it so I wouldn’t call it scary. But not comfortable like, “put it in me.” More like… idk, like you wouldn’t say your grossed out by say, your hands, you know?

However, and goddamn do I not understand how none of my friends relate to this, the vagina is not a sightly little thing. It’s kinda cute when there’s underwear and a little wet spot. By f*ck all the different types of them though, what the hell. So many weird spilling out shapes.

But you know, I do feel bad for girls. They are always portrayed to be cleaner, perfectly shaped shit in porn, and I bet a lot of girls are insecure about their vaginas. I’m not meaning to f*ckin rag on them.

I’m not really looking to reaffirm attraction to them either. They just don’t do it for me and kinda gross me out.

But that’s kinda my thing.

Why the f*ck would a straight guy not love vagina? Or even like it? I mean. Maybe that’s not totally true.

I was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. She felt like the LOML. I was imagining my future with her, kids, retirement, talking about what jobs we would want post retirement. Dreamed of moving out and starting a restaurant, a mom and pop shop type grill bar where I’d flip patties and and she’d also make our own desert menu with homemade peanut free deserts.

I mean I loved that lady.

We are broken up now.

All because of that f*ckin dream, years ago.

I was shattered. I lost every bit of my confidence. I lost my mind in ways I can’t explain here. Talking to god. Feeling the gaps between time. I was put on anti psychotics because I wasn’t makin sense.

I emasculated myself worse than you could ever imagine. But she stood right by me, all while I made a big f*ckin puss of myself. It was probably hard for her.

But she had started talking to other boys, nothing explicit, but just kinda… she stopped hanging out. Stopped talking. Left the room to talk to these other boys. Stayed up till like, 6am every night. 7am on valentines.

I’m a cornball. I couldn’t think of a better day to ask her out. Valentines is our anniversary. I really didn’t like that she stayed up till 7am talking to a 32 year old man that was like 10 years older than either of us, on our anniversary.
The end of the month, I went to her and said we had to talk or we were headed to an end. She just looks down. Not going into the rest of that night.

That killed me.

I am still dead.

But I was ruined and robbed of my confidence and see why she left. I am a shell of myself.

I was confident and cool and had game. With that girl, I had a simple comfort and happiness, pure bliss. Loved being her bf. Loved holding her hand. The little things like when she ate and how she’d cover her mouth. How she was big dork and she’d like just go “meow”whenever she didn’t know the lyrics to a song.

And then like I lost my mind.

And I’m not even here for that, to discuss how I f*ckin lost it. The truth is, whether I’m gay or not, I’m severely mentally ill. A big part of that is super bad OCD.

This shit changed my life and I can’t put the cat back in the bag.

I started like, analyzing every guy I saw. Every guy. Particularly butts. I’ll look at an ass and dont even know what i think. I recognize distress. But still obsessed. Can’t enjoy porn anymore cause I notice im now focusing more on the guys dick to see if I enjoy looking at it. I don’t think I do. But it’s gotta mean something that I’m looking now right? I never used to.

I’ll literally look at an ass and if I like it and then find out it’s a girl it makes me stop liking it now.
My attraction to women has completely halted ever since I was dumped but the obsession of staring at guys stays.

I don’t understand. My brain isn’t doing bi. It’s barely okay with queer. I don’t understand me. But I don’t, I don’t want to be in denial. I don’t want this to be that. I’ve read too much. Sometimes I think when you know stuff about how things work, it changes your perspective and applies biases.

But I just can’t figure it out. I just can’t let go. Really trying. But I just, I can’t help but post here to ask, what the f*ck would you think of this? I don’t want this to be in gay and fell in love with a girl

We had okay sex. I wanted to do more with her but she didnt have a very active libido, and thats fine. We never went full penetration, and not because im repulsed by vaginas, I was just a little scared, I also have frenulum breeve which makes shit difficult.

I loved the shit she would do. I loved her laying on top of me and smothering me in her tits or letting me grope her while she jacked me tf off. Make me call her mommy cause she knew it would make me finish twice as hard.

Her blowjobs were shit. Straight teeth. But I loved her trying. And she was super good at sucking on the balls and popping her lips on them and jerking me and kissing my thing.

I’m hard just typing it.

But just…
How can I be straight if I don’t love vagina? It’s… it’s legitimately hard to get it up for that?

and I mean, I liked HER vagina. It was kinda cute actually. I cried a little bit the first time after I ate her out because I was so scared I wouldn’t like it. But it was like my body was being trained to eat her out just the way she liked and I enjoyed that shit, I enjoyed making her feel amazing. It was awesome when she squeezed me with her thighs to tell me to stop because she was honestly just unable to speak actual words. Or how when she’d try to get me to stop I’d go for just a little bit longer and dive a little bit deeper and she’d hit back to back orgasms and she’d freak the f*ck out. Eventually I was super into eating her out, it was actually sexy and normally would net me a little something something in return. Plus awesome to service your partner.

But penetration, I’m scared, and I don’t think I’ll like it very much. I always skip it in porn I can’t even get off to it.

And now the doubt is so deep set I question everything I’ve ever known. Everything felt simple and natural and seriously, the only word I can think of is “automatic”, but is now no longer works and I’m spiraling.

I spent my life straight, it felt like there was no faking. Zero questions. Gave myself a pretty healthy moment as every one else was doing the same, felt I would pursue what felt natural to my personal attractions when I felt (and no offense) kind of repulsed sexually by the alternative.

And then just, suddenly, freaked the f*ck out. Got obsessed.

And lost everything. Lost my girl, and it’s been a few months and I still really miss that girl. Wanted to marry her. But my mind poisons me and says I’m gay now.

I feel like… I mean, I don’t know if it would be politically correct to ever use the word “confused.” Maybe questioning works better? But I feel like I’m a mfer that at this moment could be talked into shit, and that’s really scary.

And it’s not scary because gay is bad. It’s scary because it invalidates the most real love I’ve ever had. I’ve read about this stupid straight -> bi -> gay pipeline. I don’t want that to be me. I’d be cool if I were bi but I don’t know, bi feels wrong for me as a label, hell so does gay but straight certainly isnt working anymore. Tried queer. Didn’t fit either. I feel like if I’m bi I’m just masking being gay because I don’t like vaginas.

And I mean I have other straight things. I miss that lady terribly. And her body and her fat ass. Her huge perfect boobs. And… well. Other little things. Actually a lot of way less sexual things too. :(

Lately I can’t enjoy any part of the female form but damn do I miss her. I mean I still jerk off to straight porn but my mind feels conflicted now. All I know for sure, is it never did before.

But I don’t know. I can’t stop doubting that I am gay because I don’t like vaginas and am really thinking about the same sex now.

Now I’ll look at an ass and like it, and then if I find out it’s a boy I get scared but refuse to not confront it because I read people who do that are in denial and I’m trying to be as real as possible. And if it’s a girl? Weirdly I stop f*ckin liking it! Like it becomes less attractive! Even if I like it before! For the guys, I don’t really continue to like it either. I just feel fear. Fear that looking means something.

Sometimes I get manic. Like manic manic. I say I’m gay (sometimes I try trans but that’s just as ego dystonic and doesn’t fit this sub) and then get super euphoric for like 10 mins and then after I get really depressed and feel unsuited. I do have a family history of bipolar disorder… would explain the ups and downs.

I don’t know.

I mean when I was younger, these thoughts never came to me, I was simply just, not feeling them. I wasn’t secretly bundling them up. There was even a time where a few of my friends came out as gay and I decided well if there checking I’ll check. And came up negative and kinda repulsed. Incongruent with my attractions and crushes and shit. I sincerely feel like Im afraid I just woke up gay. I don’t think I masked shit. It just… happened.

And I lost everything I cared about. I cry about my ex so much. Why would I care so much if I was gay? Nothing makes sense. Like I get so angry to be told I didn't love her. It was different than any crush. It was a simple bliss and attraction.

Does this sound gay? Maybe I’m just actually gay and have autistic fetishes for big boobs on women and stuff and everything besides vaginas. And it’s all gone now suddenly. Everything’s under a microscope. I keep taking tests, telling ChatGPT to make a bunch of tests, I need to know. Straight w/ p** aversion sounds laughable, man. Puss phobia. Damn. But it’s all so pseudosexual. Hate this shit. Can no longer enjoy what felt good before. Analytical of men and just, scared. Is this the bi-cycle? Am I just gay?

---

Okay. so thats that.
And no I don’t like trans women, or trans guys for that matter, again I have nothing against them just some preferences regarding what I respond to in the sheets. And I also explored whether I think that my attraction to the female body was just jealousy, and it doesn't feel like it.

I am lost.

really need help

ive been to so many therapists and im just drowning and im not the guy that rejects help im begging you guys

Literally any time I do it’s kind of just tricking myself and I notice a base of fear. Hope you can all realize the same and take the proper steps to create space between your intrusive thoughts.

When you hit the point of acceptance (not acceptance of thoughts, that’s the first stage and tends to leave you still in distress and bummed out after not much time) but rather, of uncertainty (where you don’t care about the thoughts and similarly accept their presence but without giving them power)
you can conflate acceptance of uncertainty with “oh I’m no longer distressed by the thoughts which means they must be real”, which is in of itself (and if your having the thought at all I promise it is this) intrusive.

And that anxiety (whether you are calm enough to realize that’s what it is, or not calm enough to recognize that’s much) is a “backdoor spike.” I see how that bad that is for this theme. This is such an “all or nothing fear” so spiking for that is terrible.

I’ve talked at length before about “the queer experience.” And how this sub differs from that. Seriously next to none of you here sound actually gay, but also don’t step back and look at the bigger picture.
To the point they blind themselves of seeing OCD. They look for reassurances.

I don’t, I tend not to. I just try to go on with my day, I did all this stuff at first years ago but without posting here, but I don’t know. I realize how silly it all is after, but it makes it no less serious because it took everything.

Better re invent my life, or maybe not bother, but cest la vie. I can still be me, even if just in the interim if the latter.

-

Anyways I just had a talk that was so ridiculously like, even just texting about stuff to a straight person, well, idk. I can see I’m clearly into the idea of women so. Gonna just take that one as a win and move on and not make a big deal out of it. But I wanted to make a post to just say:

Whatever will happen will happen.

I always talk about natural and automatic.

The truth is by working on anxiety, and not living in fear of denial or figuring out what you are, you kind of just… go to what you like.

Like it comes naturally. Most importantly, it comes when you don’t realize you’re not thinking about it. For some of you with addictions, that may take longer, you have an added element.

But provide yourself relief from what you can in a post that will be buried. And please take note of the knowledge I share.

quit therapy, did not find it helpful. If I have to say FOR ME PERSONALLY, so be it, rather this not get deleted.

Look into self help books and OCD tips.

See I can’t breathe. And I can’t trust my memories. And I can’t trust my feelings. And I can’t trust arousal. And I don’t mean just because OCD. Something is deeply wrong with me.

But if this were gone, if this element were gone, I could climb back. I could, I could.

Honestly.
Whatever you imagine to be the worst case of this is, it’s me.

Im the guy that didn’t do any of the shit you did, but lost everything to this.

Fight to not be me.
And Actually read shit, I doubt you guys do that. It helps. Most of your guys questions tend to be more of the basic ACT and ERP stuff. Look into grounding techniques, put blind faith in trusting uncertainty, and let things wash over you for a moment when you feel them and continue on

It’s bullshit. I’m on my 8th therapist and it actually bullshit, it’s just ACT techniques that you can find really easily online or through fucking, ChatGPT. Actually, in my years of paying therapists to deal with OCD shit, I actually found ChatGPT substantially better; more informative, and less time wasting.

I quit therapy. I use to fight the urge to stalk my therapist and show up to her house just to scare her, just because, I’m gonna be honest, that sounds hilarious. She knows I have what are deemed “homocidal tendencies” and I would scare the shit out of her. And I honestly, I kinda love that I could. It’s the only power I have in my life, is the fact that I have done such terrible things so as to make someone actually feel unsafe, but then I hate the loneliness that follows.

But I was good. I was all in check. I had everything going for me that was nice and good and dandy.

And I met someone I really loved, loved like a normal person, not mania, not craziness. And she is gone and I yearn for the normalcy to come back, I felt safe and simple and happy. It felt like, it felt like a simple happiness when I saw the little things like her doing little head bobs and dancing with her head when she drove or when she didn’t know the words to a song and would just go “meow” over the lyrics.

She was so tall, so much taller than me. I loved her. Fuck.

Life is terrible. There is no escape, identity is an illusion, and the ego is deconstructed by the smallest of things outside your choice.

There are exactly two people I’ve seen on this sub I relate to.

The rest of you are into stuff like, watching gay porn, I don’t do that. I am just nervous that I analyze butts or am not that attracted to girls anymore. I mean I won’t tell you your guys stuff isn’t OCD.

I will likely kill myself if things haven’t gotten better by this time next year.

My life is ruined. And I cannot cope.

I lost her, I lost myself, and I am done.

Doing so is looking for reassurance.

But I just, I don’t know.

I don’t want this to be “I confused my attraction for women with jealousy” and be trans. Ugh. Hate that thought. But blah blah blah don’t want to be in denial blah blah blah. Accepting thoughts gives mania for like 10 mins and then a feeling of defeat.

But I do notice, I notice that I keep getting set off when I see a man with like a back that arches into ass. I always hated the modern girl forced arch, where they legit push their stomach out. I loved it way more just with a small, unforced arch that let their ass hang. But I see it on guys more than girls now. And I notice when I think of something as a woman instead of a guy, my analysis diminishes and yet still no attraction.

What weird perversion.
There’s such weird shit on here, addictions to gay porn, I’m glad I don’t have that. I tried that once with a blowjob video and saw a guy blast ropes and get cum in buddy’s beard and by god that was gross.

Was so addicted to regular porn. I am a complete mastophiliac. But now my safety is damaged and my sense of self is fucked. So irreversible. Can’t even enjoy why was natural before.

It’s like forced exploration and I’m under the vapid assumption that “oh it’s my body telling me something I’ve buried” but I promise I went digging before under no urge , just wanted to check myself just to do it because I wanted to make sure I knew what I wanted, came up with repulsion and a lack of appeal, and now wham I got hit with the most invalidating obsession ever.

I miss my girlfriend, I am trying my best to hold myself together. I’m lame as fuck. I’m down 20 lbs from the start of the year, and like 15lbs of that is post breakup 2 months ago.
She probably thinks I didn’t love her. Wanna die. I loved her. Her little cute mannerisms made me freak the fuck out. And her sex was awesome. I saw myself future with that lady. She was my baby girl. Wanted her to be her baby daddy. Wanted to see little hers running around. I wanted to see that cute little face tenfold and watch her be a mother and me be a father. We used to talk about retiring some day in far future, move out somewhere nice, like, maybe Medford or somewhere cool looking, and open a little mom and pop shop restaurant. I would cook, and she would bake homemade peanut free deserts. I miss her so much, and I’m so sad, I don’t think she misses me. But I do want her happy. God, I’m so happy she’ll be happy, but I’m so let down that I probably don’t matter that much to her.

Why. The fuck. Did this happen.
No I don’t believe in the idea that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are mutually exclusive, I do think they are different, but I think they are intrinsically tied

HOCD has to be the most invalidating fucking OCD theme ever and it’s absolutely brought on thoughts of Gender OCD and ROCD.

My life is tumultuous.

Can’t believe I’ve embarrassed her this badly by having such a fucking lame ass breakdown.

I have lost every hope of who I am. Every little bit. It’s no wonder she fell out of love with me. And I miss my best friend and partner.

And you know what, I miss me

it was so fast it was all overnight

After the most insane dream that was completely unrelated to these doubts

For me it’s not uncertainty it’s the invalidation of my straight identity. I don’t even care if I’m bisexual. But I can’t stop analyzing every guy and wondering if I fin them attractive and staring at their butts to figure out if I like them. it’s like for most any guy I see even though most girls aren’t very attractive to me. Not all of them, but it makes me doubt myself and convince myself I’m faking it. So I guess it’s more, I care if I’m gay. Like fully gay. Or even mostly gay. I can’t even get hard for guys and I get aroused for sure by some women.

But before liking girls felt natural and not liking guys felt natural. Like I found no guys attractive and some girls were like BOMBSHELLS.

Especially her

my brain breaks and I invalidate the one person I ever loved. Woke up after another dream of her again today.

Things cannot just change overnight. But it’s been 2 and a half years. Sometimes I accept that they just, have, but that doesn’t make anything less distressing. I just want to end it all.

This is real hell.
This is hell.

I am not allowed to know myself. I am not allowed to be the man I once was. I lost the girl that I wanted to marry, that I told myself made me the luckiest guy on the planet.

I don’t know, I felt completely like I explored myself in good time in high school. Like completely. And landed on straight cis guy. Felt comfortable, proud, and accomplished.

I had a dream where I was pegged by Toriel and that made me wake up screaming crying that I was gay and then I started to see god and he would talk to me and I was convinced I switched bodies with someone. I couldn’t stop obsessing, even though I felt like I loved and enjoyed my sex with my then girlfriend. I was begging her to let me kiss her even if I found out I was gay and felt “the gap between instants of time” and called my parents at 3am after I watched Matt smith and realized I “wanted something like my father.” Then I confessed that I was gay, ugly crying, sat down, and realized 10 minutes later “I wasn’t gay. That must mean I’m trans.” And then that started and alternating between the two as OCD themes.

I was put on anti psychotics and some new medications I had never heard of and desperately searched for therapy but hate myself because I wanted to be the old me but am in my head about whether that’s closeting or somehow in denial. I keep desperately turning to ending things but won’t because I can’t make people sad. 2 years have gone by.

I got dumped about 2 months ago. I really loved her. I don’t understand why I’m balling and sobbing if I’m gay. I can’t get hard for men. But can’t get hard for women now either, and get intense bursts of mania. I am losing it. Losing it. Losing it. Losing it. I’m gonna freak out. I don’t want this to get moderated so I won’t say where my head is at but oh my god.

My brain isn’t “doing” bi. It doesn’t like it. It doesn’t like queer or anything that isn’t the binary of gay or straight. I must be gay. Or secretly a straight trans woman. Or nothing at all and I’m just straight and cis and losing my mind. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t.

I really don't get turned on by and am grossed out by and actually the word might be more like afraid of vaginal intercourse. Like I loved big boobs I used to only be able to get off to titfuck stuff or hypno stuff or mommy stuff. I enjoyed eating my partner out at the time. She would squirm and squeal and it was hot.

I feel like I could now be talked into gay stuff, which is weird now. I do feel like I legitimately explored it before and was disgusted by it and I didn't feel it stemmed from homophobia I felt it stemmed from me not being interested or aroused by it. Now I doubt everything. The doubt makes things feels so real.

And I do felt like I was very attracted to only certain kinds of women with big boobs and sometimes flat with a huge ass. Was it fetishism? I don’t know. It felt natural before. Not forced, I didn’t feel like it was anything less than automatic. But now I keep thinking it feels heteronormative.

I don't understand my sexuality.

gender wise I don't understand my deal and can't find comfort in anything

I’m not even talking about the tumor obsessions or anything. Been to so many therapists.

I am so uncomfortable sobbing. Made myself throw up 3 times yesterday when practicing if I could suck cock after ugly crying. I keep thrashing around and destroying property.

What happened. Why. Why. I miss her. Why is this real. I hate the straight to bi to gay pipeline it’s so fucking invalidating but every time I hear it doesn’t HAVE to be that I get annoyed because no answer provides relief.

Edit: got flagged for reassurance. Don’t know why. Not looking for answers. Just so far gone. Can anyone even relate is what I mean?