u/PortugueseRoamer

What happened to time 😭😭😭

(I'm legally allowed to buy alcohol at 18 where I live)

I'm a smoker, cigarettes only (yes, yes, I know, its a terrible habit that is not good for me in any way shape or form). And I was just finishing my booking for a retreat in September. It says that even possession of these substances will result in immediate removal from the monastery.

The thing is, if I don't smoke I will go through withdrawals and it won't be as enjoyable for me. I will be light headed and dizzy and not focused. :(

Effectively giving me a month to quit smoking :(

I've been going through a lot and I was excited to go but I have been a smoker for many years. It's difficult to quit.

So I either quit cold turkey in a month or go knowing that it will be a lot less enjoyable for me.

There's many things troubling my mind. I'm very deeply troubled in many ways.

I don't practice nearly as much as I should because of it and because of lack of motivation and discipline, I've never gone to a retreat and only visited temples many many years ago as a child.

I'm in all honestly trying to reduce suffering in my life as much as possible.

I figure I can at least have it then as a goal to practice more often and in a much more disciplined way until the retreat as to prepare for it. I was thinking of taking some days off and take time before to travel at least just by train from northern Spain to Bergerac. Alone and with my thoughts and practice.

I know not to expect this to save me from suffering and to instantly figure my life out but it would be good to at least have some semblance of a path forward for my burning questions and suffering.

Thoughts?

Estou em teletrabalho e como estou sem café em casa tenho andado a ir ao café a frente de minha casa, agora depois de almoço fui lá buscar um café e ouvi a seguinte interação;

-"Lá onde eu moro é só bichonas, tenho que sair de lá, tou farto daquela merda."

-"Por mim era abater as bichonas todas. Eu não sou grande mas fodo a cara a uma bichona."

Eu fiquei sem grande reação e sem saber muito bem o que dizer.

O que devia ter feito? Como devia ter reagido? Pensei em dizer qualquer coisa mas fiquei calado. Aquilo era claramente discurso de ódio, homofobia e incitamento a violência.

O ideal seria as pessoas terem vergonha de dizer estas coisas em público.

So today I, a guy from Portugal, decided to make a bit of a joke with my Spanish Managers because I saw that there would be a world cup game today between Cape Verde and Spain.

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Surely an easy win for a massive favourite like Spain, especially against a small island Nation with a population of 500k.

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So this afternoon in the operational managers group chat I sent the following message:

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"- How about today? 1 goal for Yamine Lamal and 1 goal for Jovane??"

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2 people reacted with laughing emojis, the rest didn't respond.

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The group chat has 9 people, 7 of which are above me in the company hierarchy.

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I might get sacked.

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Now if you don't know this, football is big, very big. In Spain its a - everyone was offline in teams 5 minutes before the match - big.

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Oof

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TL;DR: Made a joke about Sports, the Cape Verdean Superstars made sure to screw me over and make their whole country proud at the same time.

Edit: I obviously know they won't really fire me for this. I'm honestly just trying to throw even more shade to Spain 🇨🇻🇨🇻🇨🇻🇨🇻🇨🇻🇨🇻🇨🇻

I do very consultative sales with a large portfolio.

In this specific case I really fucking need a IT director of a bank to pick up the phone and talk to me so I can bring the technical people to talk to the guy.

It's useful, they have budget and they mentioned this is something they want to do, regarding one of the specific solutions we have. They currently hate the solution they have and from what I know, ours is much better and I'm not just saying. I really believe that, as do the technical guys.

But I think he's saved both my phone numbers with my contact and hasn't answered my emails after he asked me for more info in 3 different areas/solutions we provide.

I don't know what else to do to speak to this cunt.

I'm pretty sure at least a technical meeting is something I need from a managerial POV.

Recently I've been deeply suicidal and depressed. I'm struggling a lot. Still I'm social and I suck it up.

This Saturday I went to a friends birthday party with quite a lot of people I know.

I like to make my friends laugh so I did something quite silly which gave everyone a chuckle.

My friend this morning just randomly sent an audio to the group chat saying "I just randomly at work remembered when OP did that thing and burst out laughing."

I replied something like "Your lives would be a lot worse without me in it." And he said "Thank god we have you in our lives then."

I'm working from home and I had to pause to cry. I was in fact looking for some kind of validation with my response and usually as guys we would just tell each other to fuck off. But damn did I need this.

My friends have my back and I think maybe, just maybe, things are going to be ok.

Recently in a gathering with friends I found myself going on about Buddhism with non buddhists.

My brother shut me down for proselytizing which he was right to do but I was excited about it.

Also I've told a friend who was very upset at something that although he was entitled to be upset it would not fix the situation and he was confused and defensive (Obvious lol).

I don't want to proselytize or try to convert anyone but I want to share how much I've been enjoying learning about Buddhism again with others. How can I do it? Maybe my question is how can I share Buddhist wisdom without trying to push ideas on to others?