u/Practical_Artist7668

I don't know how to explain this feeling, maybe it's just overall exhaustion from life, or some kind of doom that keeps growing each day.

I feel so empty, yet everything's so intense on me. There's a lot of things I used to love, now I can barely get myself to get out of bed to eat. Not that I'm hungry, I feel nauseous at everything that goes in.

I don't want to feel like this forever, but it's been 6 years. Can I get one peaceful day?

A few days ago I went to a party, it was my friends birthday. I made her a painting and a hand made card, they both took me a lot of time. I was really excited for the party, and I feel like the excitement of waiting for the day was better than the actual party.

I'm grateful to have spent time with my friends, I had a good time with their company, but it was a harsh reminder of how different my life was from other people my age.

They had jobs, some even got their own apartment... I've been stuck for 6 months doing absolutely nothing but feeling doom.

I hate how at some time I'm so productive and at other times I can't even make it out of bed.

I have maladaptive daydreaming, so I often find myself making scenarios, but I'm not sure if I might be manic recently or if it's just more intense maladaptive daydreaming.

During my day, I 'interact' with some of the characters in my head, it happens quite a few times, I'd say at least 2 hours a day minimum? I'm afraid I might by burying myself in my thoughts instead of feeling what I have to, but they listen.
I haven't left my house more than 10 times in approximately 6 months, I feel stuck sometimes, like time has stopped in my lifetime but not anyone else's.

This post will contain sensitive subjects such as molestation, incest and csam. Some information will be edited for privacy purposes.

I (16F) recently came to the realization that I was an incest victim by my sister. (4 years older)

How it began:
I think I was around 8 years old when she first began acting sexual around me. She taught me how to twerk, telling me it'd be useful later on with boys.
The first 'agression' happened when I was 11. We were both sitting on the couch watching tv, and she suddenly got onto me, putting her hands around my neck, calling me hers and submissive.
At some point I wrote a lot, so she suggested me I should make a sorry about two sisters running away together and falling in love. She didn't specify it was us, but I figured so.

At 13, she sold me. I was deep into addiction, her as well, and to fund our drugs, I sold pictures. She helped me pick outfits, do my makeup... I'd stay up for days, literally for days on end. A man offered a lot of money to take away my virginity, I wasn't sure but she was really eager about it. Thankfully enough, I was sent into rehab not too long before the date of the supposed meet up.

I could go on and on but I prefer not to inflict myself that. I just needed to get this out, since it doesn't seem like a big deal to people.

Edit: I had blocked her on every platform or so I thought. I reinstalled a game I used to play (werewolf) and she texted me on there, saying she forgives me for going zero contact and will be there for when I'm ready to talk again. I'm fuming and in disbelief that she went to the point of trying to contact me on an old game.