u/PresentPiglet5238

it’s so unfair. i wish he achieved his goals before he died. he didn’t get to achieve any of them. i wish he died happy at least. i feel so powerless.

my mom called my arms flabby and like a 50 year old’s a few days ago and that comment really stuck with me.

earlier today, i was looking in the mirror and paid attention to my arms when i wasn’t insecure about them at all before. i went into my mom’s room and said that what she said created a new insecurity. she got really angry at me and told me that she said it for my own good so it would motivate me to exercise. i said that it is not the right way to motivate someone. it escalated and she ended up saying that i am too sensitive and won’t be able to deal with the real world. i cried and she yelled. she said she feels zero guilt for what she said and that a parent should never apologise to the child because they are the authority. she brought up how her mom (my grandma) used to insult her body and she became less sensitive and used it to improve. another thing she mentioned was how difficult i am and how hard it would be for a future partner or friend. some time later i apologised for getting upset and she messaged me suddenly saying that what she said was a joke.

am i too sensitive?

my boyfriend’s sister died and then my boyfriend died 6 months ago and now my friend. when will it end?

when it’s night time and the wind gently blows from the window and i am transported to memories with him where i felt a similar wind on my face. the most minor things always transport me to somewhere involving him. it’s like there is a film between me and the memories. they only exist in my head and no one else’s anymore. when i die they will die with me and then they are gone forever.

i cant believe it’s been 6 months. half of a year. i still have a knot in my chest. it still feels like the best part of my life ended when he died. i’m getting used to him being gone. i research what happens after we die all of the time and never come up with a definitive answer. i’m 24 but i feel like i’ve aged significantly.

i was drifting off and i suddenly heard a loud buzzing in my ear like a wasp and i jolted awake. i kind of just brushed it off and tried going back to sleep and it happened again. is this exploding head syndrome? i’ve never had this before. i’m scared to go back to sleep now.

it’s been 5 months and i’m barely seeing results. it’s so frustrating. i have iron deficiency and androgenic alopecia. i’m 24 years old. i started taking iron pills at the same time as i started applying liquid minoxidil. my ferritin was 5, but i was able to get it to 35. last time i got my iron measured was 2 months ago and i have been taking iron everyday so it definitely should be higher than 35 by now.

my brother also has alopecia and he saw good results with minoxidil at month 6. he has been using it for over a year now and his hair looks great. however, he has never had iron deficiency to correct.

it’s just exhausting always being aware of how my hair looks especially if there is some sort of overhead light or wind. i wish i didn’t have to think about that constantly and i thought i was going to see some decent results by now.

just made some spaghetti with mushroom spinach parmesan sauce. he would’ve loved it.

for example, i had a dissertation due and him and his friends were extremely loud all night and slept all day and i could not sleep so i slept in the university bathroom for a few days. i told him i was doing this. what? and i blamed myself for it. i thought i should’ve just been able to tolerate the sound and it’s my fault i am a light sleeper.

another time i was away in another country and he threw up in the sink. i kept on begging him to clean it because i was afraid he was going to make me clean old vomit when i came back. he never cleaned it. he got his friend to do it. me begging was not normal.

also, whenever i would do something he disliked he would punish me for it and i thought i deserved the punishment because i caused him discomfort. he felt jealous so he compared my body to my friend’s body and said he preferred hers. a relationship should not have punishments at all. it should have communication and resolutions.

i started getting panic attacks regularly for the first time in my life and thought surely they are not from him i have other stress in my life as well.

these are only three examples. there were a lot of things. i am just so shocked. it was like i was under a spell or something. intermittent reinforcement plus how naive i was was a dangerous combination.