I heard the author speak today on the news. He also has a podcast. Very troubling revelations about why the wealthy love, love, love crypto and what they plan to do with it. https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/The-Nerd-Reich/Gil-Duran/9781668221402

They are feelings of abandonment. Since I was one of those strange kids who actually loved school, every year I am reminded that I am not allowed to return to the places I loved.

What I’d love to do, but I won’t because I am not a piece of dog excrement, is give the names of the Administrators who made this choice for me with their bogus negative evaluations to the Internet and let them be doxxed and harassed.

But I won’t do that. Even in my book, I will not mention their real names.

But what this has taught me is that some people look at world strife, world history, and they cannot imagine how people like Adolf Hitler, or Idi Amin, or Pol Pot in Cambodia rose to power and then started slaughtering people.

But at some schools and in some workplaces, little slaughter-fests happen all the time on a micro-scale. Maybe only one person is scapegoated. Or maybe only certain marginalized groups are locked out of the job market.

It’s on such a tiny scale that the individuals may feel quite powerless against a giant system, or their highly intimidating administrators, and they also might not know their legal rights, and they might feel ashamed, so the individuals harmed don’t know how to find a lawyer who will fight the despots.

Shame must change sides. Shame on these Administrators for putting me on the D-list. Shame on them forever for their lack of care and concern for a single parent. Shame on the whole city because it does this to thousands of people all. the. time.

E.g. I was at the local city court years ago, trying to get some questions answered. I always hate going there to ask questions because usually you can get few to zero answers.

There was a young Black woman behind me in line and I heard what she asked the clerk about. Then as we were both in the same area walking away she said something like, “They are not very helpful here, are they?” I asked her what she was trying to accomplish and she told me she was getting evicted and needed to know what forms to file to fight it.

This was years before the Pandemic, so there were very few to zero eviction protections in place. Many cities passed eviction protection laws after 2020.

I told her what I knew to do in terms of which papers to file. I sure did not know much. And that is all I could do to help her.

But see, in that moment, it was like I could see us from above. I saw me, a White older woman and her, a Black younger woman, but we both had the exact same problem: This city won’t help us. The city is highly complex, overwhelmed with people problems, and it won't help us.

This is why I have a lot of compassion for the homeless. I’ll bet they have tried to get help from the giant systems. Good luck with that!

Anyway, this is my yearly sorrow. "Kicked out" of school for being either too smart, too beloved by the students, for not smiling enough, or for raising my voice 2 times over the year when I lost my cool.

I think the not smiling enough, or looking anxious and tired was my greatest error. I wanted to put a coffee maker in my classroom and a little microwave. Up high. Out of reach. Couldn't! NOT ALLOWED.

What kind of a workplace cruelly demands that people spend all day with children without being very near a coffee or tea source?

I have since some to understand that this is the GREATEST problem at some schools: the administrators expect the teachers to be children too. “You don’t need coffee or tea in your classroom! Just drink water!” Or they won't accept input from the teachers because we’re supposed to sit there and be quiet, just like the children are supposed to.

I have only watched one episode of “Abbot Elementary”. It was focused mostly on a school council or school board meeting, something like that. I expected it to be all happy-happy-joy-joy; unrealistic. It was not completely that, but it was also not very deep in content. Obviously the episode was forgettable because I don’t even remember what the meeting was focused on.

Have you seen it? What do you think?

Have you ever wondered that? Or do you think they will be eternally children, 6, 7, 8 and 9 year-olds inside who cannot empathize with the stress of teaching since they’ve not chosen that career themselves?

Or can they never imagine the horrible bosses you had at the school(s) because they have never had such horrible bosses?

What I miss about teaching is the feeling like I was really helping kids figure stuff out.

What I don't miss about teaching are the horrible bosses, the gossips, the rumor-mongers, the Extroverts who are very good at putting on a show for Admin., but they are awful, narcissistic teachers, and all the worrying I did. I worried a lot.

I was thinking that if I got a Reading Specialist MS then I could teach the teachers. Then they coudl all stare me down in person, mock me in person, and I would be one of those miserable Professional Development people (but I would have the good sense to bring coffee and healthy snacks for God’s sake!).

The ones who hate Phonics and think they are stoopid, the ones who love computer software and think that alone can do all the teaching, we could have Open Arguments in the public square over proven techniques for Reading Instruction AND I would get a paycheck for being right and skilled on the topic.

Did any of you ever become a Librarian , or educational specialist , or school counselor, or something like that where you don’t have to deal with the day-to-day data gathering on 20 to 34 kids and all the parents who hate teachers? (That should be a considered a Hate Crime, IMO. If you hate all teachers, that should be a recognized Hate Crime.)

I feel ashamed saying that, but it’s true. If he knew he instills such fear in me it would make him happier than hell. My greatest disappointment with the legal system and lawyers is that they are just so frickin’ clueless about this fact: he terrifies me. I think every stupid family law court in America should have free victim services where you can request a volunteer attend court with you. But, of course, they do not.

The legal system is one of those topics in which, the more you learn about it, the more it infuriates you because it is so out-of-touch with real life. And with such an inept legal system, DV will continue to thrive.

I have been re-reading this book. I often do that when books are emotionally difficult to read the first time through.

The reporter tried valiantly, like so many female victims do, to talk to male DV abusers and get their side of the story. She did that by attending court-ordered rehab programs they attended, to try to find out if any programs out there are helping rehabilitate the perpetrators.

So, for those of you who stay because you think you can help him, because he asked you to help him, because you were told by him the two of you were going to build a life together and that is romantic, right? READ this book.

Bottom line: DV abusers are controlling narcissists.

At one point in the book she details the journey of one of these men, one she has gotten to know very well and who was horribly abused in his childhood (hurt people hurt people), but she pushes back on one part of his story and he does not want her to interview his ex-wife and mother of his child. He tells the author he knows what his ex-wife will say and he's sorry, he knows he messed up, he has taken responsibility that it was all his fault, etc.

The author said something like, “But she is a grown woman. Shouldn’t she be allowed to speak for herself and decide for herself if she wants to talk to me?”

And those were the last words the author ever got to say to the perp she had spoken to for years because after that, he would not return her calls anymore.

See? Power and control. He’s been rehabbed enough that he is not beating on anyone anymore, but he still has to be in complete control of the messaging. His ex-wife is not allowed to speak and because the author defied him (a woman defying him cannot be tolerated), he refuses to talk to her after years of her really listening to the heartaches and pains of his life and how he got into all the trouble he got into.

The reason so many of us have found it so difficult to talk/write about all the horrible things he did to us is because we have internalized the Rules of the Relationship and often one of those rules is, “You are not allowed to discuss these private matters with outsiders."

It’s funny - I was in a conflict a few years ago, heated words were exchanged, and this arrogant man started telling me what to do! And you know what popped out of my mouth? “Oh no, YOU don’t tell me what to do! I am free!"

I was so proud of myself when I said that to him. But isn’t that sad that I had to tell this man, who was not my employer, that I AM FREE and YOU don’t get to boss me around just because you are male and I am not.

It’s tragic that so many men still feel this way about women - that we are problems to be managed, not people to have empathy for.

The other great thing about “No Visible Bruises” is that she talks about the men in the legal system and their many failures too - how male police certainly show up ready to “manage” the situation and not necessarily ready to help anyone. (Oh to have social workers at every DV call. Wouldn’t that be nice?)

When you feel like the police may just be another group of bad men, IMO that is because the police are there to exercise Power and Control too. That can feel like a threat to your very soul.

It’s a great book.

I am reading “No Visible Bruises” again because it is so good, and I want to share this information found on pages 153-154 of the hard cover book. This was the author’s first time visiting an Anger or Batterer intervention group and the “Adams” she refers to was an organizer of such groups in Boston named Dan Adams.

>“By now I’ve been talking to victims for years, but haven’t spent any time with perpetrators. I still carry a picture in my mind of an abuser who is a rageaholic, a monster, a person visibly and uncontrollably angry….I may have even operated under the idea that my own gut instincts would alert me to such a man. ….what strikes me immediately …is how incredibly normal they all seem…..They are charming. They are funny, gregarious, shy, high-string. Good-looking or not, well-dressed or not. They are Everyman. One of the hallmarks of domestic violence, Adams told me, is this false idea that abusers are somehow angry generally; rather, their anger is targeted - at a partner or the partner’s immediate family. As a result, friends and acquaintances of the abusers are often surprised to hear they committed an assault. ‘The most surprising thing is that [abusers] seem like such normal guys,' says Adams. 'The average batterer is pretty likable.’ ….It's how abusers attract victims in the first place. "

Emphasis above is added. It is a fantastic book. Try to get a copy if you can. Some libraries have it.

I will not go into detail. Just want to report that it answers with a computerized system so don't be put off by that.

I mostly called them so I'd have someone to talk to about the shame and terror. My friends can be kind, but they do not understand the depth of my terror or shame. My sister is downright mean and has been for decades. I have other ways of dealing with the PTSD, but I thought I'd try the Hotline too.

The listener was a little shaming. Oh well. If you want perfection, look to the heavens. She was 1% shaming. I wish they would let us complete a survey at the end of the call.

You are a bad man; a very bad man. Sometimes I remember all the horrible things you said and did to me without explanation or excuse. I also remember how you neglected our children and even mocked them because they were reacting to a situations like children do - in other words, being normal.

You are a very bad man. Oh that I could afford many billboards around the city declaring that. But even then, people would not believe me. They will feel sorry for you because you have them that snowed and deceived. You are that good of a con-artist.

It was not an Earth-shattering or life-changing event that I know of. I almost did not go. I'm glad I did, but I did not do well. I also messed up the lyrics a little. I did not rehearse the song as much as I needed to, which is why I messed up the lyrics.

I feel like my nerves have gotten worse as I have gotten older, and that is not good. I visibly tremble, at least I think it is visible.

So, to hide my trembling for future endeavors, I think I have to wear a jacket every time. Another layer of clothing to protect myself from critical eyes.

I do not need a pep talk. I just wanted to vent and share a strategy: jackets. Jackets and much rehearsal.

Some women believe him too, but men REALLY believe him.

This has taught me that many men are quite gullible and they unconsciously or consciously adhere to an internalized Bro Code.

The Bro Code says: "She is a *****, so he got a little rough. She is a liar and cheater, so he got a little rough (they always minimize any abuse no matter how shocking.) She won't get a job and just married me for my money."

My ex was making about double minimum wage when we married. Then he dropped out of college. I never asked him to leave college. He did that before we were even married. I actually encouraged him several times to return to college after we were married. He complained about his job a lot, he really hated one of this bosses, so I kept telling him, "Re-apply to so-and-so college and we can move there while you get your degree." I even thought I could attend college too, but then I worried who would care for our kids? Back then, not all colleges had day care centers. It never occurred to me that student loans could pay for preschool for them.

No! No, he did not like my idea. He'd rather portray the Stuck Victim and become further depressed over his job.

NOW I understand why he made that choice. NOW I understand why he opted to stay stuck rather than find some freedom through a degree program. It was because of his childhood abuse. As a child, he was stuck. When you are 9 or 11 you can't really pack up and move out. Therefore, in his brain, he was still a child.

ANYWAY, while we were going through Modification hearings, I left my job. Yes, I resigned from my job but GUESS WHY I RESIGNED? I resigned from that position because there was basically unfettered physical violence between students on the playground. Our Administrators did absolutely nothing about it. Nothing.

That is illegal, but I did not know that then. Admin. cannot legally ignore injuries on campus or fail to log them. The other teachers I worked with all treated the behaviors and the apathy from Administrators like it was very normal.

I have never attended a school like that myself that allowed so much unchecked violence and bullying in the yard, nor have my own kids attended a school like that.

I was one tiny person in a giant POS machine of a school district. Did I think I could go to the school board and tell them there's much violence between kids at my school site and the Admin. has no plan whatsoever to deal with it, nor will they take any emergency measures"? No. I looked at the example of the more experienced teachers and their example was, "Keep your head down and mouth shut about it."

I cannot stand violence between kids or adults. There are many movies I will never see again due to their violence. I won't see a Quentin Tarantino film again because every film of his I've ever seen was overflowing with violence.

But my ex-spouse tells people, "She quit her job." He never tells them WHY, of course. He never tells them his violence against me made it impossible for me to work in a violent workplace.

Moreover, the older I have gotten and the more places I've worked where NO ONE puts up with kid-on-kid violence, the more I've realized that my ex-husband and those horrid administrators I worked for are cut from the same cloth - all abusive, sadistic miscreants.

Oh, I believe even most MISCREANTS can change - but they have to be in therapy. They have to read about 20 self-help books. They have to see the error of their ways. I do not believe one person alone can show them the errors of their ways.

I hope The Bro Code dies out eventually. It may take another 100 years.