u/Pretty_Yogagirl

Im sorry you had so much hurt. im sorry you used that hurt to make up things I thought in your head. I proved my love for you by staying yet you want to continue to lie about it. I proved I also thought that conversations, honesty and love could have saved us. Again you want to lie and say I didnt think conversations would help. You just keep telling a little honesty but still lie about me. You knew I wanted us , you knew I wanted our life and family , it was you that didnt want the conversations, it was you that didnt want honesty, it was you that didnt want and our family... I know just like you do that if we would have done the work we would have come out great, cause its us. No matter what lies you tell, you know we had a bond. You just used your excuses so you could do the things you wanted to stroke your ego, and your ..

Im sorry that this is how and who you want to be at 50.. I know you think you are cool. I also know you are having a mid life crisis... I also know you are about to be a mid life crisis statistic of regret losing their life and family for your mid life crisis...

As our family things happen you are missed but starting to fade...unfortunately. I do miss the man I married but I dont miss the man that was living with me. I love you i wish you loved me as much as i do you. I loved you enough to forgive all your betrayals can you say the same ? nope...

The apologies, the im sorries. the please forgive me's, they all say im feeling regret for my actions, but what is not said after ends up saying it all. I forgive the things of hate, the things of cruelty and vindictiveness ... what it doesnt say or change is the things the feelings, the intent, the meaning behind the words of hurt. The " I hate you" , the " I dont love you" , the " I wish you to death" , all the statements tell me what you feel, they all tell you why it ended between us. Through all the good times, the bad times and in between times, I never would say those things, I would not even think thoughts like that about you. I never felt those things towards you even when your treatment of me was horrible. I know you were hurting, I was too. I wanted to be there with you during your times of struggle, your times of hurt, your times of pain, to hold your hand and walk with you through it all.

The problem is I cant do that. Why ? well you shut me out long ago. I know you think, most people do think, that they can open up to other people, that they will act normal and their partner will never notice. They wont notice that when you come home from work you dont share your day as much as before, they dont greet you as sweetly as before, its little increments of things that disappear , slowly, without the perpetrators own realization of the actions they are not doing anymore. That is how it started long ago. With the small things, then the things like using the personal traumas I shared against me when fights or arguments arise. That was a shock. Being dismissive of my feelings, my hurt, my emotions.

Then the next things that happen when your spouse is sharing themselves with other women online, sharing your emotions, your fears, your dreams, your problems, your hurts, everything. What happens is that because you spend your time sharing with them when it comes time for you to interact with me, you have nothing to say. This is because you already shared your daily ups n downs, your daily feelings, to them, you are ready released your stresses, your accomplishments, your frustrations, with them, so you feel emptied out already, so you feel their is nothing more to say to your spouse.

It starts out slowly, it starts out just a little bit of time is taken away from the partner. Then as time goes by more n more is shared, time to the other women is given but taken away from the spouse, by the time I get a chance to speak to you, the only thing to talk about is the weather, or our kids. That is slowly shutting me out, that is stopping the building of the relationship, stops the bond from growing, from being solid. I know that people think that they can talk to other women, or men and you can compartmentilize the situation but you cant.. Pretty soon we were not even spending the evenings in the same room.

I know I was far from easy. I am hormonal, I am emotional, I know I made a small effort to show you that I was attracted to you, that I want to give you affection and I didnt show my appreciation enough,but I did show you and tell you how wonderful you were. I can see how I made you feel like you couldnt do things right at times but I didnt do it all the time, or on purpose, i wasnot tryin to make you feel like that cause I never thought that about you. it wasnt just me. It was your own insecurities , it was the guilt of your actions behind my back.

You can put all the blame you want on me, of course you will, cause you dont want to reconnize all the damage you did, you dont want to recognize that the breakdown, the distance started with you. Telling other women our issues, your emotions , everything. Yet me, the one you like to boast to my family, friends , is your best friend. What a best friend you dont talk to? The best friend you didnt make feel wanted either, The 'Love" you didnt want to show love to, ....You can put all the blame on me thats fine I will take it because I now what I did and didnt do, but you cant see that everything you want to claim I did to you is how you treated me! You gave yourself to other a long time ago and stop givnig yourself to me, you didnt show me you were attracted to me, or that you even liked me....I begged you for years , I talked to you way before we ever moved that I felt like you never talk to me....

Im sorry that either you are to immature to see the same actions you blamed me for is how you treated me. The difference is I wasnt cheating, emotionally or physically. I tried to talk to you, I tried to get you to open up to me, you didnt want to do shit but be fake to me... You want to call other women your "best friend" so then why didnt you divorce me? why did we buy a house together when you didnt want anything with me, or from me intimately (not sexually) ....Its sad that you are so obtuse to see what you had. So self absorbed. So insecure. I wish you knew you have everything to be secure in. You used to thats what I fell in love with.

Dont worry Im not going to try to do anything to be with you. You made it clear for 10yrs of our marriage you didnt want us.. If I would have done and said the thing you did about me, if I would have had all these men as "BF" you would have lost your mind.. ITs to bad you never gave us a chance or gave me the opportunity to be friends, to be close. Why would you lie and play house with someone you dont even like.. I know you will get mad at this cause your anger comes out when you know you are in the wrong, and you dont want to take responsibility for your actions or behaviors, you try to turn it on others.. So since you didnt want to be BF or love me you should just go file now.. Im sorry you want to refuse to acknowledge that you know I loved you deeply so you can use it as a reason for your behavior. You will do the same things in your next relationship as well...

I have changed dramtically, not in the way that my kindness and love towards people and animals has changed but in the way that I know I dont need to tolerate intolerable behavior, I know my worth, I know my mistakes and I know where I didnt make mistakes. I started my new life journey for us, for you to be able to retire and I would work. Now I am on my journey for me and my family, for the next person who loves and I love, who wants to BE my BFF...I always knew that we could have been great together, sorry everyone else was more important to you than our family. You created your own resentment by your actions and not leaving when you didnt want us...

You like to be mad and talk shit that you are gone, but you seem just fine, this was what you wanted , cause the things you said to me that you apologize for, are also the things that werent said after that apology. Like I dont hate you, I do love you , I dont want you to die etc. ... So your apologies are fine but the intent behind is still there ... So if you hate me and dont love me then why you mad, why you say so much... Just go be happy now. You can create the life always wanted away from me, from us..you wanted it. While I grieve the life I wanted, with who I wanted and had... I will always have love for you, I will always have hurt and pain from you.

A little news for you, the neighbor next door is getting a divorce too! the good looking attorney. He mowed the lawn for me and I didnt ask.. We talked for awhile the other night, he works for our town courts now ..

Im done listening , reading all the bs you say. You made it clear you wanted me to be dead to you. I dont know wth you are so mad about this is what you wanted .. go fuck someone else over. At least you dont have to worry about finding someone to take care of your sick family now cause no one would ... Im done with your lies and bs. Go live in your world of delusions, lies and whores... I have no interest in your lies, bs projections, you are the onlu one that planned this... SO leave me the fuck alone. You didnt want my love and you didnr love me... Im worth so mcuh more than your bs anymoe. Sorry you cant stop lying and playing your stupid games,... You have others that will play your games go to them.. i have had enough of this shit.. You wanted to push me away , you did it. you wanted me to not love you and my love is starting to fade now .. Im no fucking game. you know how to get a hold of me to say goodbye if you want but dont bother if you bring more lies.... if you cant not lie than ... Goodbye.. Its been miserble dealing with you and this .. im so glad i have gotten to this place... Bye You won !