u/ProudBumblebee4326

I’m 28F and live with my partner (34M), who is semi-retired and doesn’t work. I do work, and I’m starting to realize I have a really weird pattern that I don’t fully understand.

I think it might be related to being raised as a “gifted child.” Growing up, I felt like things were supposed to come naturally. Now, as an adult, I feel embarrassed if someone sees me actually trying.

It’s not just work. It’s everything.

If my partner is home, I somehow end up matching his energy. We hang out, relax, watch things together, and I avoid doing the stuff I actually need to do. I won’t deep clean the bathroom, change the sheets, tackle a difficult work task, or spend hours organizing something.

The strange part is that when he goes away for a few days, I become a completely different person. I’ll deep clean the apartment, catch up on work, organize everything, and feel relieved. It’s like I finally have permission to put in effort because no one is watching.

I don’t think he’s judging me. He’s never said anything that would make me think that. This feels like it’s entirely coming from me.

So now I’m wondering:

Why do I feel ashamed of being seen working hard?

Why do I want people to think things are effortless instead of letting them see the process?

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this related to gifted kid syndrome, perfectionism, or something else entirely? I’d love to hear if anyone has gone through something similar or found a way to get past it.

I’m 28F and live with my partner (34M), who is semi-retired and doesn’t work. I do work, and I’m starting to realize I have a really weird pattern that I don’t fully understand.

I think it might be related to being raised as a “gifted child.” Growing up, I felt like things were supposed to come naturally. Now, as an adult, I feel embarrassed if someone sees me actually trying.

It’s not just work. It’s everything.

If my partner is home, I somehow end up matching his energy. We hang out, relax, watch things together, and I avoid doing the stuff I actually need to do. I won’t deep clean the bathroom, change the sheets, tackle a difficult work task, or spend hours organizing something.

The strange part is that when he goes away for a few days, I become a completely different person. I’ll deep clean the apartment, catch up on work, organize everything, and feel relieved. It’s like I finally have permission to put in effort because no one is watching.

I don’t think he’s judging me. He’s never said anything that would make me think that. This feels like it’s entirely coming from me.

So now I’m wondering:

Why do I feel ashamed of being seen working hard?

Why do I want people to think things are effortless instead of letting them see the process?

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this related to gifted kid syndrome, perfectionism, or something else entirely? I’d love to hear if anyone has gone through something similar or found a way to get past it.

I (26F) have been with my partner (34M) for 4 years. We started as poly, although there were periods during the relationship where we were only seeing each other.

I’m generally very work-focused and don’t tend to form a lot of deep romantic connections outside of our relationship. My partner is different, over the years he’s had multiple serious relationships while we’ve been together.

The last year has been really hard for us. We’ve gone through long stretches where it feels like we’re just roommates sharing a bed. We barely have sex, maybe once a month.

Recently he went away for a few weeks and reconnected with a woman he’s liked for years. He told me he “knew he wanted to be with her” the moment they first met. She recently got out of a relationship and didn’t want anything serious, but they spent all their time together, cuddled, slept in the same bed, etc. While he was away he kept updating me every day about how strongly he felt about her.

When he came back, suddenly he wanted sex constantly. He was more passionate, more affectionate, kissing differently, like a completely different person. And honestly, that crushed me.

I know NRE is a thing. We’ve experienced it before. But this time it feels unbearable because I can feel that the excitement isn’t really about me. It feels like I’m just a body he is imagining her on.

On top of that, he keeps talking about her body, how strong and attractive she is, etc. I’ve had autoimmune health issues over the years and gained a lot of weight since we met. He knows I already struggle with how I feel about my body, so hearing those words hurts more than I think he realizes.

I’m exhausted. Work has already been stressful, and now I dread thinking about our relationship or sex life because I keep comparing myself and feeling guilty for not looking like I did at 21.

Lately I’ve been seriously thinking about ending the relationship.

When I picture my future, I still see him in it. We’ve talked about kids, building a life together. But right now he mostly feels like another source of stress. I want stability, my routines, my work, paying off my mortgage, saving money, eventually starting a family.

Meanwhile, he hasn’t worked in 3 years. He made some money with crypto a while back so he’s living off savings, but I feel like he never really commits to building the next phase of his life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m parenting him emotionally while nothing is ever really his responsibility.

I think I still love the person I met 5 years ago. But I’m not sure I like the person he’s become.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe I just need perspective from people who’ve been in long-term poly relationships. Is this something you work through, or is this the point where you admit the relationship has run its course?