"you don't really mean that"
"But just try it"
"Don't be so rude. Are you shaming me for wanting you to do this then? Are you invalidating me?"
"Awww so do you hate me? Did you always hate me? Please tell me you don't hate me. (By saying yes)"
"Okay but I'm going to do it anyway okay"
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!! OMG YOU PEOPLE CAN'T DO ANYTHING
I think I'm asking for help about what to do or what *you* would do? I want to be fair. I am interested in doing the 'right thing'.
Details about why I'm struggling↓
• I have two specific topics that are non-negotiable: if someone tries to bring it up with me then I have to leave them for my own health, and I make this clear. Even wrote out a stupid little list. For a myriad of reasons, my friend sucks at not bringing these topics to me. They apologize every time and they have said "as your friend it is my duty to accommodate your boundaries", and I refuse to doubt that their disorders do have an effect on why they fail, but my patience is wearing thin. I think I've passed my 6th reminder by now (they don't reread or ctrl F their own messages to remind themself. For some reason). I'm not avoiding those topics for fun or because I'm big meanie, they seriously do shit to my head (which they have acknowledged, at least), and so I'm starting to get antsy at even seeing my friend's name. I think if there is even a time like six months later where they finally manage to work with my impossible impossible boundaries, I'll be too mad at them before that.
• they aren't interested in talking about my interests. They are kind when I bring mine up, but every single conversation is about their interests. I have a passing interest in these only, what I enjoy more is others enjoyment when they get to talk about their own interests, but it doesn't seem like they want me to enjoy talking about mine. So I prompt the conversations. Thet prompt none. To be fair I do enjoy a lot of conversations, small talk middle talk big talk etc, but I'm starting to feel like my happiness isn't thought about by them, especially with my first point. I haven't brought this up because I don't want them to fake it.
• We've gone over the fear of abandonment before. It's a big fear for them, and im told it happens often. One time after a reminder of my limits they asked me if I was going to abandon them for it like everyone else does. I said I couldn't promise them that because I don't think fear of abandonment is a good foundation for a friendship (a younger, stupider me would've promised not to abandon them lol). They said okay sure and then asked if I was going to abandon them *next* time. I replied that I was trying to behave fairly.. a non-answer, but maybe I shouldn't have answered at all. I don't know. I believe that if I were to promise to never leave them, then I'd be promising not to set boundaries. So I won't promise anything.
• I'm stupid. No, seriously. I was raised to fawn by immature parents who gave me the sage advice of "your own emotions are your responsibility and also they're evil, stop having emotions you're hurting me by having emotions. But also you're responsible for all of everyone else's emotions." So I'm not entirely sure of my place, and I'm not sure of how capable others are. Because if they're incapable, then I'm being unfair. Not that I'm afraid of being unfair. I think if I consider myself "fair" then I'd be ignorant of times where I'm being unfair. Anyway, my lack of experience about anything at all is why I'm struggling. I don't knoww..
• I am apparently on a mailing list for their 'vents'. (Personally, the word venting is too subjective, so it's just conversation to me. But it's venting in their mind and I respect that). They send the same vents out to multiple friends. I recognize that this is their messaging style, but I feel that if I'm just a name on a list, then I'm replaceable (especially considering bullet point 1&2) so why the hell should I stay. Just get a new person to fill my place right. They have said that I'm one of their biggest supports in life alongside those other friends (apparently. I don't do that on purpose it's just what they hear from my words idk), providing reassurance and validation. This isnt enough for me. I don't choose to be reassuring so I'm not proud of that. Like the same reason I'm not proud of having working knees; it just happened to be that way.
• they have offered me to vent on them. Which I don't need to do, I don't need to vent, I process things in my journal and I've been and done through counselling. Also, I feel like this is a cop-out — like instead of making the effort to accomodate me, they think I'll be fine if I just dumped my own shit. But why would I trust them with my shit if I can't even trust them to accommodate me? Maybe this is my bitterness speaking. I've been in this situation before, where I'm with someone who's terrified of losing me but is horrible at making me want to stay. Though this friend the first person to actively offer recieving vents.
......
Maybe I would've been fine with bullet point 1 without 2 or 2 without 1, but at this point I feel like these are all linked together. And that they just want to HAVE me rather than KNOW me. Like my presence is reassuring and that's wanted, but my person is just a hurdle to get past. So really, I'm their friend but they're not my friend.
Maybe I'll be the piece of shit either way. If I stay then I'm a liar, if I leave then I'm just like everyone else. In that case, how do I leave in the least shit way..? Like harm reduction. I definitely plan on a final message.
Wanting me to say "i love you" but that's a lie 😒 they want me to lie 😒
I was a teenager at the time but I have an affect about me that warrants people to baby talk me. I had someone compliment my fidget toy the other day. And ykw it's a great fidget toy they were right
Is this OUR full body hives? Is this OUR busted shoulder? Sheesh. So needy. Keep your excessive emotions to yourselves, please. The surgery is about some random tiny thing. I mean they will be taking a knife to me but it's like so casual I'll probably be awake during it. I'm gonna buy myself donuts after it's gonna be so swag
I guess babies are easier because you don't have to talk to them like they are able to respond, because they can't respond 🫨🫨
As far as I'm concerned, being loved = being told that my feelings are invaliditing their feelings = being told that my boundaries are selfish and prudish and abandoning them = being owned = being an object
Cw: bodily ailments and such
A couple years ago (pre-realisation). I got fulbody hives. And it took 'me' (idk) a few weeks to do anything????? I kinda felt like it wasn't actually my hives. 'I' felt like it was 'none of my business' and I vaguely recall a feeling of 'these hives may not pass but *I* will soon not be aware'. Despite the fact that I very much did feel them. And also I don't even get memory gaps or 'headspace' so idk where the hell that idea came from.
And now, I have something up with my finger, possibly an infection. It's been like this for weeks, I'm sure, I have a memory of noticing it a while ago. And I did nothing ?????????????? What the hell? I think there has been an overhaul in most present part right after first getting this finger but still. What the hell what the hell
Some afflictions I'm great at responding to but other times I fall off for ages