u/Purple-25-

It’s been a little over a year since I left a very controlling and verbally abusive relationship. Whenever I even think about being in a relationship again, I feel a sense of dread. I’ve come to associate romantic relationships with being trapped and losing my sense of self. It makes me sad because I used to be such a romantic person, but now I can’t bring myself to be interested in anyone. It hurts that I gave so much love to someone who didn’t really deserve it, and that I might never love that way again.

I wanted to test out if I was ready for dating a little while ago. I was pretty certain I wasn’t ready, but I was curious. I went on a few dates with someone who was really kind and interesting. I couldn’t feel anything more than friendship. The thought of anything progressing further made me feel sick, so I stopped seeing this person.

I felt such a sense of relief after ending that and I feel very much at peace with being alone, but I sometimes worry that I won’t be able to fall in love again. It’s like, I don’t have any desire for romance, but I know that’s something I always wanted, so I wish I could want it again. It’s complicated. I know that this may change with time, but right now I just feel broken.

Could you guys share some of your experiences? I guess I just want to have a little bit of hope that I will be able to continue healing.

It’s been a year since I left an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, and while I have healed a lot, I still struggle with my confidence sometimes. My relationship did a lot of damage on my self esteem.

I don’t mean to blame myself for being mistreated, but I’ve realized that my low self esteem is what made me stay in such an unhealthy situation. I was convinced it was good for me. I thought so little of myself that I truly believed that I needed someone to insult me and shout at me to “motivate me”. It’s terrible to think about.

I had this realization recently that I have always distrusted nice people. I thought that I was just cautious about “fake nice” people. I think it might actually be that nice people make me uncomfortable because I don’t think I deserve kindness. I had some very toxic friendships as a kid, so it’s almost like mean people feel familiar and nice people feel scary. I know this is wrong but it is so hard for me to shake it.

I also am so afraid to even think about dating again because I have come to associate romantic feelings with fear and panic. I know that in a healthy relationship, I wouldn’t feel scared or trapped, but that association is so strong. I feel like even with a good person, I would have these feelings come up again. It makes me sad because I used to be a bit of a hopeless romantic, but that part of me feels like it is gone.

Some things have helped me regain my sense of self and my confidence. I have been focusing a lot on my friendships and spending time with people who are positive and supportive. I have been journaling a lot and I have started making a list of things that I like about myself and reminding myself that I deserve to be loved. I spend time on my hobbies. I enjoy my independence and go on “solo dates” from time to time.

I’m curious: what do you all recommend to continue building my confidence and feeling more secure in myself?