I don't go dancing very often, but went to a club last night with a friend. I asked for her honest opinion about my dancing skills (I truly did want this), and she said I was socially awkward and stiff. Any tips on being more loose, or is it just something that naturally gets better as I do it more? For the record, I had a good time.
To be clear, I am not going to act on this urge under any circumstances, as that would shock her nervous system and likely cause her to shut down and push me away. She needs a strong, stable friend for everything she is going through now, and I know I can be that for her. I just need to get these feelings down somewhere where others can see, so I figured I'd try posting it here.
I'm so proud of her for handling everything she is going through and has been through. I'm also proud of her for standing up for herself when she realizes she's in a toxic dynamic. She's come such a long way with this.
It doesn't help me that a lot of the intensity of my feelings right now is being fueld by ADHD limerance. Not the first time this has happened to me with this friend, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Lol.
We've known each other for about 2 years. Both of us have done our own individual attachment style work and continue to do so, regardless of how aggravatingly slow the progress is for both of us.
I mentioned romantic feelings in the title. This is because I do like her romantically, but our friendship is a higher priority for me. She knows about these feelings, but doesn't feel the same, that's ok though. We've been there for each other in ways no-one else has been as friends, and so it's worth it to me to preserve the friendship. I'm not expecting her to change her mind, and I have way more attachment work to do before I start dating again, so I'm good. I'm pretty annoying. Lol.
Anyway, shoutout to my friend for all the healing work she's done for herself! Thank you for reading this ramble of a post. I'll probably delete it later. Who knows? Have a good night.
I just moved to new part of town, so I'll be going to a different parish. I hope a new parish will help. My old parish wasn't bad, in fact, I'm sure I'll be visiting there in time. I have no ill will towards anybody there. I just didn't know what to do with myself there. I got super involved with a few different ministries there and got burned out. I got so ashamed of needing to pull back on ministry work that I stopped going to church altogether for months at a time.
Orthobro culture didn't help even though I was fairly sheltered from it, at least directly. Got tired of seeing how people, especially other guys, present the faith to an already hurting world. Internet Orthodoxy in general (not all sites/platforms of course) does so much harm to the world, and the church as well. The bad sites/influencers serve as a major stumbling block.
But I digress. I recently learned that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). One of the big symptoms of BPD is fear of abandonment (like, a life or death fear). I've lived with this pretty much all my life without fully realizing it. It makes sense though, God has given me PLENTY of reasons to feel like he's abandoned me throughout my life. This is another reason why I stopped going to church consistently. What's the point of following a God who's inconsistent and abandons me on a regular basis? I don't still feel like this mind you, at least not nearly as much, hence my attempt at a return to church.
I'll be playing things close to the vest this time though. No ministry work for me, and honestly, I'm probably just going to keep to myself and not interact with people. Just go to services, pray, and go home. That's all that can really be expected of me. Not good enough, I know. But why not try it at least and see what happens?
If anyone is worried about me receiving communion in an unworthy manner, fear not. I don't plan on receiving this weekend, as I am not ready to go to confession yet. I'm still working on my issues about confessing recurring sins that I would have otherwise not committed had I not been told the horrible things I was consistantly told (through yelling and threats of violence) as a child. I guess consistently being told that I'm useless and that everyone will eventually get tired of me and leave me by the two people who brought me into this world while activating the life and death response center of my brain has had long term effects on my nervous system. Who would have thought that would happen? No-one I guess. Oh well. God watched it all happen.
Maybe I'm just posting this here because I can't articulate it to anyone in person, not even my spiritual father. I try, but the words can never come out. I can only write them on here anonymously, because it's the only way I feel safe to say what is in my mind. Also, learning that I have BPD has given language and words to say what's been stuck in my head, heart, and nervous system all these years. So if you actually read through this chaotic post, please pray for me. Even if you didn't read through it all, please pray for me.
Thank you for reading all (or part of) this and have a good night.
Please pray for me.
I'm newly diagnosed and the diagnosis explains why I can have such a hard time living the faith, at least for me. Does anyone else on here struggle with BPD?