u/R3dcherries

no it wasnt in a threatening way, he said he wouldnt be able to mentally handle it since he already feels responsible for my scars since he wasn't able to stop me. i get his mindset but i'm just so stuck.

we've been together for 5 years and i was self harming for the first 2 without him knowing since i didn't wanna burden him with that. obviously i told him eventually and he was supportive and understanding but i've been clean for 2 years now and it was honestly only for him. i dont want to stop. its my least harmful coping mechanism and since stopping i've only gotten worse in other aspects. we talked about this today and he said that he wouldnt be able to handle it if i relapsed.

i dont even know what advice i'm asking for but im really on the verge of relapsing, things felt so simple back then but now my coping mechanisms are way worse and do more damage than good

edit: im new to this subreddit and just saw the mod announcement, im 19f. not sure if that'll save my post from getting deleted but yea

marked as a spoiler since i'm not sure if this mental health comes up here often.

i (19f) have always had bad mental health in general and have a history of self harm and attempts. i've gotten better now but my stability is still very fragile. i started smoking 3 years ago and didn't realise that i've gotten addicted. i both smoke and vape (vaping for when i'm indoors/ need to be discreet about it) and i noticed health changes.

i've had 3 previous attempts at quitting, with my longest streak being 2 weeks and it only got worse. i've gotten better at handling inconveniences but when i'm quitting i'm completely out of control with myself and start crying, looking for ways to relapse with sh, and lash out at loved ones which makes the previous 2 even worse since i always regret it. i dont remember getting any physical withdrawal symptoms but even if i did, the mental symptoms overpowered that.

i'm sure someone will recommend therapy but i've had 4 counsellors in the past since i cant get other forms of therapy due to the healthcare in my country not being the best and typically counselling is only 6 sessions long. i'm at the end of my 4th time in counselling and i'm not sure what else to do. i'm in the uk if that helps.

and on top of that, i'm terrified of gaining weight. i've lost 15kg total now and i haven't lost a single kg without smoking since i use it as an appetite suppressant. i have an unhealthy relationship with food and cannot control myself on my own so i've been using smoking as a replacement for years. im so scared of gaining anything back if i quit since i know i'll be eating more to replace that.

so basically, is quitting really worth it? does it actually get better mentally? i know the physical health benefits would be worth it but i'm terrified of going through withdrawal again. also if someone in the uk has any tips on how to find a professional help you quit smoking that's be great. i dont think i can do it alone