u/Ramen34

As much as I love my mom, I genuinely believe that her lack of understanding of boundaries is the root of many problems.

I had a fight with my dad over something small. During the argument, he called me “dumb.” I told him that I didn’t like being called that. It escalated into a huge fight. He threatened to kick me out, etc.

When I told my mom about it afterward, I expected at least some acknowledgment that my dad's behavior wasn’t okay. But instead, she kept defending him, even while insisting she wasn't. She said things like, “Parents say things in the heat of the moment,” and pointed out that I “wasn’t perfect either.” She said, "That's just the way your dad is," and that her own dad was like that too. She kept saying that I was "overreacting".

And that’s the part that frustrated me. She acted like I was the bad guy for standing up to myself and not just taking it.

Another example: my mom asked me whether I’d be okay with family members randomly dropping by my future place unannounced. I said no. I told her that they should let me know in advance. Otherwise, I can't guarantee that I can accommodate them. I never said that they couldn't come at all.

She was so offended by that and kept calling me "selfish". She said that I was just like my dad's side of the family (basically calling me an evil spirit).

I think my mom’s lack of understanding of boundaries has caused her a lot of pain in her own life, too. She’s very much a people pleaser. She struggles to say no and seems to think love means tolerating things that hurt you or constantly sacrificing yourself for others.

And because of that, she projects her lack of boundaries onto me. My whole life, I've struggled with people pleasing and not standing up for myself. But I'm trying to break out of that.

What do you guys think? Am I crazy for not wanting to be called "dumb"? Am I crazy for wanting my family to let me know in advance if they are coming to my house?

Am I crazy for having boundaries?

A lot of people argue that hijab is not mandatory. And while that’s a valid discussion in itself, it sometimes misses the bigger issue.

Even if hijab were the most important thing in Islam, people still have the right to not wear it. And still be treated with respect, dignity, and basic human decency.

Muslims love to parrot “hijab is mandatory” as if that justifies pressuring someone into wearing it. But even if something is religiously obligatory, that does not give you the right to shame, harass, or police people over it.

If we got on Muslims for every single sin the way we do hijab, we’d see a lot less Muslims. People lie, gossip, backbite, mistreat others, neglect prayer, and commit all sorts of sins, yet very few things receive as much scrutiny as a woman not covering her hair.

The problem is not simply whether hijab is mandatory or not. The problem is the culture of moral policing, misogyny, and purity culture.

I get really pissed off when men claim they want to "protect" women by making them wear hijab.

I was watching a TikTok from “lizyapping” (go check her out), and she brought up something that resonated deeply with me: men claim they care about hijab because they want to “protect” women. But where is that same energy when women actually face the consequences of wearing hijab?

Where is this "protection" when hijabis face Islamophobia, harassment, discrimination, stares, discomfort, or social isolation?

Where is this "protection" when Muslim women face abuse and violence at the hands of MUSLIM men?

Not to mention that hijab doesn't "protect" women from anything. Even women in burkhas still get harassed and abused by men.

Men don't actually care about "protecting" women so much as they do controlling them.

And honestly, I don’t care if a man is the Grand Scholar of Saudi Arabia. You are a MAN! You will never understand what it’s like to be a woman or wear hijab. So shut up your mouse!

Hijab is like abortion: No uterus, no opinion!

I get really pissed off when men claim they want to "protect" women by making them wear hijab.

I was watching a TikTok from “lizyapping” (go check her out), and she brought up something that resonated deeply with me: men claim they care about hijab because they want to “protect” women. But where is that same energy when women actually face the consequences of wearing hijab?

Where is this "protection" when Muslim women face Islamophobia, harassment, discrimination, stares, discomfort, or social isolation?

Where is this "protection" when Muslim women face abuse and violence at the hands of MUSLIM men?

Not to mention that hijab doesn't "protect" women from anything. Even women in burkhas still get harassed and abused by men.

Men don't actually care about "protecting" women so much as they do controlling them.

And honestly, I don’t care if a man is the Grand Scholar of Saudi Arabia. You are a MAN! You will never understand what it’s like to be a woman. So shut up your mouse!

Hijab is like abortion: No uterus, no opinion!

DAE outgrow hijab?

I certainly did. In hindsight, I think I would’ve eventually questioned it, and would’ve taken it off at some point in my life.

It just came to a point where I no longer fit into my life.

What do you guys think? Have you guys had similar experiences?

Is it just me, or is the obsession with hijab fairly modern?

For reference, nobody in my family wore hijab before the 2000s. My grandmothers never wore one, and my mom didn't wear one until marriage. Modesty was still a thing, but there wasn't this obsession with head covering specifically.

But now, hijab has basically become the sixth pillar of Islam. Especially with social media. There's this weird obsession with what women wear that I've never seen before.

Not to mention all of these rules. Until I went on social media, I had never heard that you had to cover your neck and every strand of hair. Atleast where I'm from, women do cover their heads, but are not obsessed with covering absolutely everything.

Everything has gotten so conservative lately. I blame the spread of Wahhabism and Arabization in Muslim countries.

What do you guys think?

Disclaimer: This is not hate towards my mom (or anyone, for that matter).

I find it very unfair that my mom got to just exist as a non-hijabi and choose to wear hijab on her own terms. Whereas I'm being scrutinized for wanting the same freedom.

For context, my mom did not wear hijab until she had me. Surprisingly, my dad never told her to wear it either.

Even when she started wearing it, she didn't wear it consistently.

On the other hand, I "chose" to wear it at 10, and apparently can never take it off. Even though I was eventually able to take it off, I'm judged and scrutinized for my decision every day. I still feel like I'm not allowed to exist as myself.

How is it fair that my mom was able to explore at my age, but I’m not?

How is it realistic to expect someone to remain exactly the same person they were at 10 years old?

Now, I’m facing the consequences for something I never truly chose.

The whole thing makes my blood boil.

Is anyone else trying to move out?

I'm going insane living with my family. But the cost of everything is just as insane 😩

Even though I don't wear hijab for the most part (and it's been over a year), I think my family still believes this is all a phase. And that someday, someday, I'll put it back on again.

Because of this, I'm still forced to wear it sometimes. Especially when out with family.

The evidence for this was one time, when I argued about having to wear hijab when out with my family. To which my mom told me I should still "maintain the habit". Why do I have to maintain something I don't want to do?

Another time was when I put a picture of myself without a hijab on my professional profiles. My dad was a bit taken aback, but reluctantly accepted it.

Besides this, I'm still not able to express myself and dress the way I want. My mom makes me dress even more modestly to "make up" for me not wearing hijab anymore. I can't even wear normal clothes.

I think what frustrates me isn’t even disagreement. It’s the fact that I’m not being respected as an adult whose decisions are valid. Instead, my choices feel like they’re still up for negotiation or reversal depending on the situation.

I understand my family doesn’t agree with my decision, and I get that it’s hard for them to accept. But I don’t like how that turns into controlling me.

Needless to say, I hate hijab, and just want it gone from my life.

I know I've ranted about this a couple times, and you guys are probably tired of hearing this. But it's just so frustrating.

To be completely honest, it is very hard to stay Muslim as a woman. Especially when you are constantly reminded that you are less than a man, or seen as immoral just because you don’t cover your hair.

And before people rush to say it:
“Islam is perfect, Muslims are not.”
“It’s culture, not Islam.”

But when there are literal hadith, legal rulings, and centuries of scholarship that place restrictions on women in ways men will never experience, it becomes very hard to unsee. At some point, you have to acknowledge that some of the problems are coming from the religion itself. Or at the very, very least, the way religion has historically been interpreted and enforced.

What hurts most is that women are expected to just accept this. If you question anything, you are accused of being weak in faith, influenced by “the West”, emotional, rebellious, arrogant, immodest, ungrateful.

My faith has honestly been hanging on by a thread lately. I really wish I did not feel this way. I really do. But it becomes emotionally exhausting trying to convince yourself over and over that Islam values women equally while constantly being made to feel otherwise.

After a while, it feels like you have to maintain cognitive dissonance just to keep your faith. Every discomfort gets dismissed as “culture,” misinterpretation, or lack of understanding. It gets to a point.

This is not coming from hatred or rebellion. I do not want to feel disconnected from my faith. But pretending these feelings are not there has become harder and harder.

I know some people will dismiss this. But I know I’m not the only muslim woman who feels this way.

To be completely honest, it is very hard to stay Muslim as a woman. Especially when you are constantly reminded that you are less than a man, or seen as immoral just because you don’t cover your hair.

And before people rush to say it: yes, I know the lines already.
“Islam is perfect, Muslims are not.”
“It’s culture, not Islam.”

But when there are literal hadith, legal rulings, and centuries of scholarship that place restrictions on women in ways men will never experience, it becomes very hard to unsee. At some point, you have to acknowledge that some of the problems are coming from the religion itself. Or at the very, very least, the way the religion has historically been interpreted and enforced.

What hurts most is that women are expected to carry this burden silently. If you question anything, you are accused of being weak in faith, influenced by “the West”, emotional, rebellious, arrogant, immodest, ungrateful, all the adjectives.

My faith has just been hanging on a thread lately. I really wish I did not feel this way. I really do. But it comes to a point where it becomes emotionally draining trying to convince yourself over and over that you are equally valued while constantly being made to feel otherwise.

I know some people will dismiss this immediately. But I also know I am not the only Muslim woman who feels this way.

I know this is kind of off topic, but I genuinely do not want to marry an "Islamic" man.

We're always told that we should be looking for a man who's "on his deen", prays 5x, hafiz, all that jazz.

But personally, I don't see myself with someone like that at all. Sure, I do want someone muslim, but not someone who makes religion their whole personality.

I don't want a man who has "gheerah" and polices my clothing. I don't want a "traditional" muslim man. I don't want someone who thinks everything is haram.

I find most religious muslim men insufferable. They are almost always deeply patriarchal, emotionally stunted, and judgmental.

People act like religiosity automatically translates to kindness, emotional intelligence, or compatibility. It doesn’t. A man who prays 5 times a day does not automatically make him marriage material. I wish we would stop pretending it does.

I know, I know, not every religious man is like this. But I would rather marry a non-muslim over a "religious" muslim man any day.

It's so hard to find a progressive muslim man.

Is it just me, or do I find modesty very performative?

For example, my mom expects me to wear a scarf or cardigan over an already fully covering loose top because the extra layer is supposedly “more modest.” The scarf barely covers my chest. It’s just for show. But somehow, a lower neckline + cardigan/scarf is considered more “modest” than a plain loose full-coverage shirt by itself. Make it make sense.

I find modesty as a whole performative. As long as you wear hijab, you are automatically seen as a “good” muslim/person even if you do every other sin under the sun. Meanwhile, someone who doesn’t wear hijab could be a good person, but will always been seen as “less than”.

I also feel like it’s easy to hide behind hijab and not improve yourself, because you’re already seen as the pinnacle of muslim woman.

To be honest, I sometimes miss wearing hijab.

Now that I don't wear it anymore, I have to constantly worry about my hair. I have curly hair, so it's a lot to manage.

It would be nice to wear a hijab sometimes just for convenience. And honestly, I think it looks nice.

But at the same time, I don't want to give people the impression that I'm planning to wear hijab full-time again. I don't want to become a "hijabi".

I wish it were socially acceptable to wear it on and off, like any other piece of clothing. Like, if I want to wear a hijab one day, and then shorts the next, that shouldn't be such a big deal.

I just hate how all-or-nothing hijab is.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I have always wondered whether certain types of people are more likely to become Islamic scholars/imams/etc, and how that affects rulings.

To illustrate what I mean: there are stereotypes in other professions too, like how former mean girls become nurses, or how certain personality types gravitate toward law enforcement, academia, HR, etc.

Obviously, these are oversimplifications, but professions do tend to attract certain kinds of people.

At least where I’m from, the best students are pushed toward medicine/engineering, while the weaker/poorer students are sent to madrassas.

That made me wonder: if certain types of people disproportionately enter religious studies, does that shape the interpretations that become dominant?

By the way, this isn’t an attack on scholarship or religious education.

DAE have parents who think you’re going to hell for taking it off, or feel personally responsible for your hijab?

Like, they see your hijab as their responsibility too, so they try to control your choices because they’re terrified of being blamed by God, by family, or by the community.

It’s complicated because on one hand, I do understand where they’re coming from. But at the same time, fear doesn’t justify controlling someone or crossing boundaries, especially when it hurts someone.

Sometimes I wish parents realized that adult children are individuals who will ultimately make their own decisions in life. At some point, faith has to come from personal conviction, not coercion.

Can anyone else relate to this? How do you deal with it?

In the past, I was so judgemental. I genuinely couldn't understand why someone would take off hijab, drink alcohol, etc.

To me, it was either you followed the rules or you’re sinning.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized nothing is that simple. Life is messy, and people aren’t robots. People make imperfect choices all the time, for reasons that aren't always obvious.

I think part of my self-righteousness came from not being tested in those ways myself. It’s easy to judge others when you’ve never had to struggle with something personally.

I also think it came from my own fears and insecurities that I projected onto others.

Once I had to confront my own flaws, it became a lot harder to judge others.

Now, I don’t feel the need to judge. If anything, I have a lot more empathy.

I realize that at the end of day, we’re only accountable for ourselves, and it’s none of our business what others do in their personal lives.

Life really humbled me.

In the past, I genuinely couldn't understand why a woman would take off hijab.

To me, it was either you wore it or you were sinning. No ifs or buts.

But as I've grown, I've realized it's not so black-and-white.

Needless to say, life really humbled me.

I certainly didn’t.

If you told me five years ago (heck, even two years) that I was going to take it off, I would’ve never believed you.

I actually never had any qualms about taking it off the whole time I wore it.

But hey, life happens. 🤷‍♀️

Did any of you guys ever think you were going to take it off?

I’ve always wondered what it must be like to take off hijab when you’re married, especially if your husband expects you to wear it. Even beyond marriage, this can apply in families where hijab is strongly expected.

On one hand, I think it’s understandable that someone might feel upset or disagree with that decision, especially when it’s tied to religion. I know my family certainly wasn’t happy when I took it off.

At the same time, people have the right to make choices about their own lives, even when those choices are difficult for others to accept. Just because others are upset doesn't mean they can disrespect you or violate your boundaries.

I guess I’m curious about what it actually looks like to navigate that tension in real life, between personal autonomy and the impact on close relationships.

What do you guys think? How have you had to navigate relationships (family, friends, romantic, etc.) after taking it off?