u/Random_Walker56473

I know that this topic has been brought up multiple times, but I felt like I had to let it out lol.

It sucks to be a practicing hijabi and to be attracted to women. Like, I pray 5 times a day, observe hijab, try my best to obey Allah to the best of my ability and stay away from haram, but I really cannot stop myself from being attracted to women. I've been feeling like this since my really early teenage years ( around 9-10) and still do in my 20s. I HATE THAT IT WASNT "JUST A PHASE" LOL.

It also sucks because...idk how other queer people can "recognise" me. Like what??? I try my best not to "appear queer" but they can "feel the gay vibes", and that doesn't make it any easier. Prolly because I'm naturally, unintentionally a bit tomboyish...idek lol

Of course, I don't plan on acting on it. It just sucks knowing that I'll never ever be able to love a woman or even experience the softness of a woman. I know, it's just a test bla bla bla but tbh I cannot understand it. I know that the wisdom of Allah is beyond my comprehension.

Then I think about how men have the right to fulfil their sexual desires by being with up to 4 women and some narrations about the number of women they'll enjoy when they get to Jannah, and how each woman will happily share their husband with other women there, and then I'm like...I simply want to genuinely love and cherish one girl ol. And I'm not even getting one in Jannah because we are not allowed "impermissible" things in Jannah even if we make it there, no matter how much we want it. We won't get that reward even if we decide not to act on it in this wordl and suppress our desires forever

I'm not questioning or doubting Islam, but it just gets mentally frustrating. And the fact that my parents want me to get married makes me even more anxious and the fact that I have men who want to marry me make me want to unalive myself

Ps: I'm attracted to both, but much much more inclined towards women

May Allah make it easy for us who struggle with this

Edit : I know it's wrong and if you have nothing good to say, pls don't comment

I struggle with a kind of apathy where my emotions feel almost completely switched off. It’s not just that I don’t feel much during worship. I often struggle to feel things deeply in general. I can understand something intellectually and know that it should affect me, but emotionally, there is very little response.

I still do salawaat and istighfaar, and I genuinely want to draw closer to Allah. But when I recite them, I often feel like the words are coming from my tongue without reaching my heart. I know what I am saying and I mean it, but I don’t feel it.

Sometimes I wish I could simply cry, feel awe, feel love, feel longing, or even feel fear of Allah in a way that reaches somewhere deep inside me. Instead, there is often just this emotional blankness. I fulfil my islamic obligations and stay away from haram simply to be able to meet Allah without shame when I die. No other reason why. I don't even feel peace, nothing at all.

How would you recommend approaching this? Are there specific practices, adhkar, duas, or ways of doing dhikr that can help soften the heart and bring more presence and feeling into worship?

I'm not looking for a way to force an emotional experience. I just want my heart to become more receptive to Allah and to life, in general.

Jazaakumullah Khayran

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