u/Rat-channn

I’m worried this will be all over the place, but I want to share my experience and see if anyone in recovery can relate to these specifics. I feel like my situation is so distinct that standard recovery stories don't quite fit.
Here’s a few things to note:
Rumination Syndrome is something I’ve had practically all my life. When I was younger, I would just re-swallow food when it came up naturally, rather than spitting it out. Sometimes I would intentionally push it up (which never took a lot of effort) to re-chew because I liked the texture. Because of this physical baseline, bringing up food has always had zero physical discomfort for me.
I am Autistic. I am on the milder side of the spectrum, and I constantly wonder how much it plays into my thinking and behaviors.
My background with weight loss: A few years ago, I started trying to lose weight as a teenager because my confidence was horrible, I hated how my clothes looked on me, and I was worried about my future health. Initially, I lost weight through exercise and a standard deficit, still allowing variety because I figured restricting too hard would ruin my progress. But eventually, I hit a point where I just wanted to maintain.
During that initial weight loss phase, I would get intensely stressed if my workout was delayed or if my parents asked me to do something that broke my routine. If the timing wasn't exactly right, the stress would make me want to give up the workout entirely. I also refused even tiny food samples from my dad to strictly protect my limit, and I wouldn't eat before runs because of a YouTube video I saw claiming it was better to exercise in a fasted state. I wonder if my autism drove that extreme need for routine and rigidity. Looking back, these were my first signs of disordered eating.
Because of the lifelong rumination syndrome, transitioning to purging felt incredibly easy. I vividly remember the day I thought, "Why don't I just spit it out? My food comes up anyway, so then I can eat whatever I want with no worries." Initially, I resisted because I actually liked the sensory texture of re-chewing the food like I mentioned before.
Eventually, I developed a highly skewed "logic": I have a baseline target for my daily food intake, but if I eat past that limit (like having ice cream), I try to purge just the "excess" amount immediately after eating. I use the visual appearance of the food to guess when to stop. I know this is still terrible for my body, causes rapid electrolyte and vitamin depletion, and strains my muscles, but my brain still relies on that "logic" to justify it.
Another huge detail is that I eat almost entirely for the sensory aspect. I rarely crave food for the flavor, it is almost always about the texture. I can eat all day just to experience a certain mouthfeel, which makes binging incredibly easy, and purging became a tool to support that desire for textures. I wonder if my autism plays into this sensory seeking.
It’s easier for me not to engage in symptoms when I workout heavily, because my brain tells me there's "room" for the food. It's also much easier when I don't keep snack foods in my dorm environment.
I feel like my situation is so specific since I can’t find anyone who relates to these exact pieces, and I feel like if I want to recover, it’ll look different from the standard stories I read. I want to recover because carrying this routine around is exhausting and annoying, and I know there will be long-term physical effects that I’m just not feeling yet.
Has anyone else with autism or rumination syndrome navigated recovery? How did you untangle your sensory needs from the eating disorder?

I’m worried this will be all over the place, but I want to share my experience and see if anyone in recovery can relate to these specifics. I feel like my situation is so distinct that standard recovery stories don't quite fit.

Here’s a few things to note:

Rumination Syndrome is something I’ve had literally all my life. When I was younger, I would just re-swallow food when it came up naturally, rather than spitting it out and sometimes push it up (which never took a lot of effort) to re-chew because I liked the texture. Because of this, bringing up food has always had zero physical discomfort for me.

Another thing, I have autism. I am on the milder side of the autism spectrum, and I constantly wonder how much it plays into my thinking and behaviors.

Three, I started losing weight July 28th of 2021 when I hit 212 pounds at 15 being at 171cm. I started because my confidence was horrible, hated how my clothes looked on me and i started seeing a double chin come in. I also did it because I didn’t want to die of poor health when i got older. September 17th, 2022 I was at a reasonable weight, 154.6lb. I lost this weight healthily with exercise and a caloric deficit, still allowing cheat days and in between snacks because i figured restricting it would ruin my progress. This is where I wanted to maintain my weight.

During my weight loss, I would get intensely stressed if my run was delayed or if my parents asked me to do something that broke my routine. If the timing wasn't right, the stress would make me want to give up the run entirely. I also refused even tiny food samples from my dad to strictly protect my deficit, and I wouldn't eat before runs because of a YouTube video I saw saying there’s no point in the run if you eat beforehand because you burn the most calories in a fasted state(i know silly, this was when i was trying to research weight loss tips and tricks). I wonder if my autism drove that extreme need for routine and rigidity. This is probably my first signs that I can think of for disordered eating.

Because of the rumination syndrome, transitioning to purging was incredibly easy. I vividly remember the day I thought, 'Why don't I just spit it out? My food comes up anyway, so then I can eat whatever I want with no worries.' Initially, I resisted because—as gross as it might sound to some—I actually liked the sensory texture of re-chewing the food like mentioned before.

Eventually, I developed a highly skewed 'logic': I aim for my daily 2,200 calories, but if I go over with something like a McDonald’s ice cream, I will puke up just the amount I overate. I do it immediately so it’s still cold, using the visual of the ice cream as a gauge. I know this is still terrible for my body, causes rapid electrolyte/vitamin depletion, and strains my stomach muscles, but my brain still relies on that 'logic.'

Another detail is I eat for the sensory aspect. I almost never crave food for the flavor, just the texture. I can eat allll day if it’s for the texture which makes binging so easy and purging being an easy solution to support this desire for certain textures. I wonder if my autism plays into this at all too.

It’s easy not to purge when I workout because my workouts allow more room for calories and I’m sure it’s enough to where I don’t have to account for it. It’s easier when I don’t have snacks in my dorm since it’s not there.

I feel like my situation is so specific since I can’t find anyone who relates to the specifics and I feel like if I want to recover, it’ll be different from other recoveries I have read about. I want to recover because it’s just kind of annoying always feelings need to do tho and i’m sure there will be long term affects that i’m not feeling now.

Has anyone else with autism or rumination syndrome navigated recovery? How did you untangle the sensory needs from the eating disorder?