u/Ready_Lavishness_973

Honestly I should have more heat for him than I do but all I can do is wonder why. Not only did this man groom me until marriage, he ruined the best parts of love , self worth , intimacy and so much more and robbed me of my light. As I lay here tonight feeling so heavy and trapped , I know he finds comfort in the fact that he has “tomorrow “ to make it right even though I know deep inside nothing he could ever do will repair 20 years of his damage starting when I was 13. My mind betrays me at times because it resorts back to considering him first but not anymore…the disgust I have inside with myself for allowing this is picking me apart. I wanted forever , I gave all I could and he walked all over me . He promised me so much to the point that it was engrained in my mind as reality and it was all lies. I’m the one walking away even if it destroys me, i deserve atleast to learn myself without him. I was too young to realize that his friendship was only an entrance into owning me 🥲

Honestly I should have more heat for him than I do but all I can do is wonder why. Not only did this man groom me until marriage, he ruined the best parts of love , self worth , intimacy and so much more and robbed me of my light. As I lay here tonight feeling so heavy and trapped , I know he finds comfort in the fact that he has “tomorrow “ to make it right even though I know deep inside nothing he could ever do will repair 20 years of his damage starting when I was 13. My mind betrays me at times because it resorts back to considering him first but not anymore…the disgust I have inside with myself for allowing this is picking me apart. I wanted forever , I gave all I could and he walked all over me . He promised me so much to the point that it was engrained in my mind as reality and it was all lies. I’m the one walking away even if it destroys me, i deserve atleast to learn myself without him. I was too young to realize that his friendship was only an entrance into owning me 🥲

This marriage has been going downhill for years but this has been the most trying season of my life and I’m proud to say that I’m going through with what’s right even if it’s what’s hard. I’m at the point where it doesn’t even matter what was done or wasn’t done anymore…i just want to co parent with care. Feels like everytime I try to pull for my independence something breaks inside of him and now I’m left abandoning my own feelings to make sure he’s okay. I sucks so bad to have someone do something to you but then they twist it to make it like they hate they did that to you and how it makes them feel terrible about themselves…only for you feel like you have to make them feel better about themselves as if you’re wrong to want to be taken care of and not rushed out of processing. Well after I got to myself and started thinking about it all I said absolutely not and I’ve been allowing my feelings and his feelings to stand without trying to change his mind on events or minimize my experience. It hurts to be here but I’ve felt lighter ever since. Any kind words would be appreciated.