u/Real_Imagination_665

growing up, all i rmemeber was crushing on girls. being too shy to continue conversations with girls and being so confused about all of it.

i used to question why it was so hard for me to make female friendships, but i now recognise, it got tough for me to continue talkting whenever a pretty girl smiled at me for a little too long, because i was crushing. i remember having a best friend of mine, who i'd been star struck with for years, open up to me with "i need to tell you something..." was this it? i thought about how i'd take care of her, and continue seeing her smile everyday for the rest of our lives in that second. i was so ready to hear her say she liked me, for her to ask how i felt, so i could pour out all the love i'd held in silence for her. but then, my best friend confessed her feelings for a man. asked me to help court him, and i did. so i watched her love him for 2 years. happy for them, but still in that moment for a long time after.

men have always been attracted to me, it's not difficult for me to start up a relationship. it's not difficult for a man to come into my life. i've had a few boyfriends and a lot of talking stages with men, but it's strange, how the only attraction i retain is that reserved for women. when i think of loving someone, i see a woman's body, i see a gentle love and admiration, and i see a smile so beautiful i would do anything to protect it. i've painted for years, and my work, when covering form, only takes on that of a woman. i never questioned it, until now.

Now that i'm in a committed relationship with a man, but fear something. why is there no impulse for me? why does it only come after he touches me? why, when i think of passion, and desire, i only see the beauty of a woman?

i've never been able to hold her, make a coffe for her in the morning, see her smile at me. i've never done any of that. anything i craved from love since childhood.

After unsuccessful crushes in my adolescent years, i resorted to an easier love. i tried to be patient with it. but, the passion was never there. the loving gaze i knew i had was never there. i told myself, i was simply incapable of being in love, so for years i branded myself as asexual - but i was lying to myself. there was a warmth and beauty i still craved, and it was only possible in the form of a woman.

Amidst the trials of a heterosexual relationship, the one i'm currently in, i've been deeply curious. Does anyone have advice on this? I do love him, he's met my family and i see a future with him, but i've never had the chance to explore this side of me i've supressed for years.

We met when I was 17. I’ve loved you from the first conversation, i remember how your beautifully round eyes glimmered as we sat next to one another in that bar.

We’ve spent so much time together. Everyone knows you’re my other half, I used to love it. What more could I want than someone who was mine, completely mine?

But it took the past 4 years, and I only now realise something has changed. When I think of you, I am in love, because I remember the way we were, how you held doors open for me, how you comforted me, how you used to love me.

It’s a tough call to make. And I don’t think I have the strength for it. But yesterday, when you took my vulnerability and used it against me, i needed a moment of silence, actual silence for the first time from you.

For so long, when someone mentioned you all i saw was my sweet boy, the one who spent his little free time between work and school to surprise me with flowers. But yesterday, you woke me up from my chosen delusion. I have been running on fumes loving you, and I choke up when I say I do. Because I made a promise back then to you I’d never lie.

In my disillusionment I realised something. The fumes kept me going, but I was breaking myself down in the process. I looked back at when I believed I was happy beside you. I looked back and realised my sacrifices meant nothing to you, but you forced me anyways.

The friendships I tore down to save your heart, to make you feel secure, the family I became estranged from, because you told me they didn’t love me like you did. Everyone I left behind, for you.

When you told me I’d never done anything for you, for us. I couldn’t speak. I left behind a whole other life to be beside you, because I loved you. I chose you over everything, and this love has a way of killing me slowly, because for you, I think the pain is worth it. I thought it was worth covering up. But how disappointing this all must be for the young girl inside me. She made an oath to protect herself and her honour. Who am I now? I have lost myself in loving you. And I accept we must change over time and grow with our lovers, but something in my heart is telling me I’m stepping in the wrong direction.

You made many promises to me, you told me you were a good man. But when you yelled at me in the car I thought about a future with you. I choked up, because there’s no way I’d live without you, but also no way I could marry an angry man.

I don’t know what to do my love. You promised me you’d change, you swore it was different this time but you’ve said that before. I always choose to believe you, because I’ve never felt a love like this. I feel like I’m losing you every day so I constantly want to fix things. But the more I speak, the angrier you become and I fear for us more and more.

My mind knows that these broken promises only mean one thing - that even the first one was never a truth. But my heart cannot accept this failure. This ultimate loss. There is no option where I win, no way to go back in time, no way to let go.

I need some time.