u/Real_Relief_3036

My husband (26M) and I (29F) have been together for 4 years and married less than a year. I'm looking for advice because I feel stuck in a cycle of dishonesty, and I don't know how to move forward.

From the beginning, I was very open about my sexuality (I'm bisexual and have had relationships with women). Whenever I asked about his sexuality, he'd describe himself as "straight-ish" but never elaborated.

About two years into our relationship, I accidentally discovered searches for gay porn on his Reddit account while using his phone. When I brought it up, he eventually admitted he'd been watching gay porn since he was young and had two sexual experiences with men in college. He said he enjoyed parts of those experiences but never explored further and had no intention of telling me about any of it.

I wasn't upset that he had same-sex attraction. I was hurt that he had hidden a significant part of himself from me while I had always been completely open with him. I encouraged him to explore these feelings through therapy, journaling, or self-reflection. He said he would.

Over time, I worked through my feelings in therapy. Sometimes I felt accepting and understood that fantasy doesn't always equal real-life desires. Other times I felt deceived, inadequate, or worried I was a placeholder.
He proposed, I said yes, and we got married. Then things escalated.

During our honeymoon, I discovered he had been masturbating to porn while I slept. That hurt, but I tried to move past it.
A few months later, I found evidence that he had been on Grindr. When confronted, he admitted he had been trying to find old nude photos from a man he hooked up with in college because "real people" were more arousing to him than porn. I was shaken up.

That conversation led to some major breakthroughs. He finally acknowledged that he's bisexual, came out to his family, started therapy, began working out regularly, and we've worked on communication through weekly check-ins. He has repeatedly reassured me that he wants a monogamous life with me.

Recently, during one of our weekly talks, I asked how things were going. He told me he'd been avoiding porn and either masturbating without it or using videos we'd made together.

The next day, I found multiple porn searches from just a few days before that conversation.
When I confronted him, he admitted he lied because he felt ashamed and hoped he could eventually stop using porn altogether.

That's where I'm struggling. The issue isn't that he's bisexual. The issue isn't even the porn. It's the repeated dishonesty. Every major setback in our relationship has involved me discovering something first and then getting the truth only after confrontation.

I love him. I want him to feel safe being fully himself. I support him exploring and accepting his sexuality. But I don't know how to rebuild trust when honesty only seems to happen after he's caught.

Has anyone been through something similar? How do you move forward when the core problem is shame-driven dishonesty rather than the underlying behavior itself? Am I the asshole/should I just give up on trying to coax him to be more open about expressing his feelings?

My husband (26M) and I (29F) have been together for 4 years and married less than a year. I'm looking for advice because I feel stuck in a cycle of dishonesty, and I don't know how to move forward.

From the beginning, I was very open about my sexuality (I'm bisexual and have had relationships with women). Whenever I asked about his sexuality, he'd describe himself as "straight-ish" but never elaborated.

About two years into our relationship, I accidentally discovered searches for gay porn on his Reddit account while using his phone. When I brought it up, he eventually admitted he'd been watching gay porn since he was young and had two sexual experiences with men in college. He said he enjoyed parts of those experiences but never explored further and had no intention of telling me about any of it.

I wasn't upset that he had same-sex attraction. I was hurt that he had hidden a significant part of himself from me while I had always been completely open with him. I encouraged him to explore these feelings through therapy, journaling, or self-reflection. He said he would.

Over time, I worked through my feelings in therapy. Sometimes I felt accepting and understood that fantasy doesn't always equal real-life desires. Other times I felt deceived, inadequate, or worried I was a placeholder.
He proposed, I said yes, and we got married. Then things escalated.

During our honeymoon, I discovered he had been masturbating to porn while I slept. That hurt, but I tried to move past it.
A few months later, I found evidence that he had been on Grindr. When confronted, he admitted he had been trying to find old nude photos from a man he hooked up with in college because "real people" were more arousing to him than porn. I was devastated.

That conversation led to some major breakthroughs. He finally acknowledged that he's bisexual, came out to his family, started therapy, began working out regularly, and we've worked on communication through weekly check-ins. He has repeatedly reassured me that he wants a monogamous life with me.

Recently, during one of our weekly talks, I asked how things were going. He told me he'd been avoiding porn and either masturbating without it or using videos we'd made together.

The next day, I found multiple porn searches from just a few days before that conversation.
When I confronted him, he admitted he lied because he felt ashamed and hoped he could eventually stop using porn altogether.

That's where I'm struggling. The issue isn't that he's bisexual. The issue isn't even the porn. It's the repeated dishonesty. Every major setback in our relationship has involved me discovering something first and then getting the truth only after confrontation.

I love him. I want him to feel safe being fully himself. I support him exploring and accepting his sexuality. But I don't know how to rebuild trust when honesty only seems to happen after he's caught.

Has anyone been through something similar? How do you move forward when the core problem is shame-driven dishonesty rather than the underlying behavior itself?

My husband (26M) and I (29F) have been together for 4 years and married less than a year. I'm looking for advice because I feel stuck in a cycle of dishonesty, and I don't know how to move forward.

From the beginning, I was very open about my sexuality (I'm bisexual and have had relationships with women). Whenever I asked about his sexuality, he'd describe himself as "straight-ish" but never elaborated.

About two years into our relationship, I accidentally discovered searches for gay porn on his Reddit account while using his phone. When I brought it up, he eventually admitted he'd been watching gay porn since he was young and had two sexual experiences with men in college. He said he enjoyed parts of those experiences but never explored further and had no intention of telling me about any of it.

I wasn't upset that he had same-sex attraction. I was hurt that he had hidden a significant part of himself from me while I had always been completely open with him. I encouraged him to explore these feelings through therapy, journaling, or self-reflection. He said he would.

Over time, I worked through my feelings in therapy. Sometimes I felt accepting and understood that fantasy doesn't always equal real-life desires. Other times I felt deceived, inadequate, or worried I was a placeholder.
He proposed, I said yes, and we got married. Then things escalated.

During our honeymoon, I discovered he had been masturbating to porn while I slept. That hurt, but I tried to move past it.
A few months later, I found evidence that he had been on Grindr. When confronted, he admitted he had been trying to find old nude photos from a man he hooked up with in college because "real people" were more arousing to him than porn. I was devastated.

That conversation led to some major breakthroughs. He finally acknowledged that he's bisexual, came out to his family, started therapy, began working out regularly, and we've worked on communication through weekly check-ins. He has repeatedly reassured me that he wants a monogamous life with me.

Recently, during one of our weekly talks, I asked how things were going. He told me he'd been avoiding porn and either masturbating without it or using videos we'd made together.

The next day, I found multiple porn searches from just a few days before that conversation.
When I confronted him, he admitted he lied because he felt ashamed and hoped he could eventually stop using porn altogether.

That's where I'm struggling. The issue isn't that he's bisexual. The issue isn't even the porn. It's the repeated dishonesty. Every major setback in our relationship has involved me discovering something first and then getting the truth only after confrontation.

I love him. I want him to feel safe being fully himself. I support him exploring and accepting his sexuality. But I don't know how to rebuild trust when honesty only seems to happen after he's caught.

Has anyone been through something similar? How do you move forward when the core problem is shame-driven dishonesty rather than the underlying behavior itself?

Gonna be a long one. So, I have been navigating some challenges in my relationship for about 2 years now, and I’m finally turning to this sub for advice. I’ve been following along on this sub for the past year and feel it’s time to share my story.

I (29F) have been with my partner (26M) for 4 years now. When we started dating, it was clear to me that I was the more “open” person ie more comfortable discussing sex and sexuality. I am openly Bisexual and have been for over a decade. My very first long term relationship was with a woman. I was open about this with him from the start. When I would inquire about his sexuality, he would usually shrug and say “straight-ish”. When I shared about my same-sex attractions and expiriences he would listen and say that he hadn’t had any of his own.

Flash forward to 2 years ago December 2024, we had been dating for two years and while on vacation with my family he gave me his phone to search about places open locally where we were on a holiday. I went to Reddit, not even knowing there was p*rn on there, to search for local restaurants.
His past two searches were both for gay p*rn. I was shocked. I always had felt that maybe he had those feelings, and that he was more feminine than masculine in personality, but had never been let in on this. I told him about it as we were changing to go to the beach in our room. I said “I found something that might be uncomfortable for you to talk about but I wanted you to know I found some gay p*rn searches on your Reddit.” His response “oof, yeah that is uncomfortable.” Didn’t say anything more. We went to the beach with my family and I had to pretend I was happy while I was having a panic attack. I was panicking because I thought I knew this person so well, knew what turned him on and all of that. So to have this big chunk of his sexuality hidden for so long, I was surprised.
My family needed someone to run to the store for stuff for dinner, so I suggested him and I go. The first ten minutes of the car ride was silence. Then, he said “I’m going to say some things that I am really uncomfortable talking about, and I want say them but I don’t know how much further I want to talk about it.” He then proceeded to tell me that he has watched gay p*rn since he started watching p*rn, and that in college, he had two different sexual experiences with men, that were good for a bit for him but then he didn’t like what was happening/couldn’t get hard and was too in his head. So he said he had felt fine not exploring it further, continued watching gay p*rn, and wasn’t planning on telling me ever. I was really upset. I told him I was not upset that he had same-sex attraction OR expiriences. Was I hurt that he kept those expiriences from me, yes. Was I hurt that he kept all of these feelings from me, when I have told him everything there is to know about me, yes.

We talked a bit more about the expiriences, and I asked him how he identified sexually. He kept saying he was straight. I was like “whatever you say” but knew in my head the truth deep down. I knew he couldn’t accept it for himself. I asked him to go to therapy, or journal, or some sort of self reflection to get to the bottom of things. He said he would try, that he didn’t want to hurt me or lose me, and that he only wanted to be with me.

As time moved on I moved through my feelings about it, sometimes feeling accepting of it and knowing that he can get sexual satisfaction from the idea of men through p*rn, and maybe he just wants to do that and be with only me sexually in real life. I know all too well about how our sexual fantasies through p*rn do not always correlate to what we want in real life. Sometimes I was feeling angry, for being lied to and deceived, and I would look at his Reddit history and feel inadequate and like he wasn’t being sexually satisfied by me. *I know that’s a breech of privacy, and I told him every time I looked through it* Sometimes I was feeling nervous that maybe I was just a placeholder until he was able to find someone in real life that he was into.

Anyways, I went to therapy and processed things on my own and got to a good place with it. I was feeling accepting for what he needed to do. I had hopes he was doing so for himself, but doubtful.
In March 2025 he proposed to me, and I said yes.

We went into wedding planning mode and things fell to the side. I figured we were both busy enough that we were doing okay. I figured he was probably still watching gay p*rn occasionally (he wakes up really early naturally bc of back pain and goes downstairs and games/is on his computer) but wasn’t sure because he never talked about it. We got married! It was awesome!

Our honeymoon happened and while we were on it (2 weeks in Europe) I was excited to celebrate! There was one night where I fell asleep early, and he said he was going to stay in the kitchen of the Airbnb and wait for the laundry to be done. We had had s*x maybe once so far and it had been a week. I had this deep feeling as I was falling asleep that he was in the other room masturb*ting. In my mind I was like “he wouldn’t do that, not on our honeymoon when we’re supposed to be doing each other” but I had such a gut feeling about it.
The next day, I went through his phone and sure enough he had. I was disappointed, frustrated, and honestly, sad. Sad that I couldn’t sexually satisfy my new husband on our honeymoon, just by being myself.
I told him about it, and he said he was horny and he masturb*ted, and I just kind of shrugged it off and accepted it.

Fast forward a couple weeks later, home from honeymoon, near February. He handed me his phone to search something on Google while he was driving, and right when I typed in G, grindr popped up as the first web result. I didn’t say anything, moved past it. That night I got on his Screentime and he had been on Grindr for 15 minutes the day before. I was so, so, overwhelmed with fear. I didn’t say anything about it the next day.

I waited two weeks, I don’t know why, my mental health was very low and having a therapist/friends who listen was the only way I was making it through. Finally, I broke one day, when we were having a conversation, and he said “just say what you have to say you’re obviously feeling something”.
So I said “I saw Grindr in your search history”. He said “oh I was just searching it in my App Store because you had referenced that one time I had Tinder installed and I didn’t think I had either of them anymore”. I said “I saw it in your screentime, that you spent 15 minutes on the website.” He starts crying, getting visibly uncomfortable. “Okay, I did try to do that. I was trying to find some nudes that the guy I hooked up with sent me back in college, so I could masturb*te to them, because pictures of normal people get me off more than p*rn.”

I didn’t know how to respond to this other than feel deeply, NOT AGAIN! I was so upset. I felt deeply inadequate, and betrayed once again. He begged me not to leave him, said he would do therapy and he wants to try journaling and working out when he wakes up. I’m feeling internally like that’s a big change to make and that I’d believe it when I saw it.
We have an hours long conversation about things. He finally says he identifies as bisexual. He says he wants to come out to his family. He says he understands if I need space. I ask him if he’s still interested in a monogamous long term relationship with me and he says yes, of course.

It’s 6 months later, in June. He came out to his family, and none of them were surprised. He has been consistent with morning workouts, dropped off of journaling because it didn’t feel like it was helping, has attended a few therapy sessions, does the dishes every am and we have started having “Saturday chats” where we can talk about anything that felt bad or off during the week before. These have been very helpful as a way to communicate more easily as two conflict avoidant people.
I would love to do couples therapy but think he needs to be a little bit more established in his own therapy first. I’ve been seeing a therapist off and on for 15 years. Anyways, at our most recent Saturday chat, I told him I was feeling a little unsure because we hadn’t talked about how everything was going for a while. He reassured me, said things are going well. He said he’s been masturbating, but doing it p*rn free or watching videos we have made together. He said he wants to be more comfortable saying who he thinks is attractive in media/etc and is working on that.

I came home last night and had been gone the whole evening and just felt a vibe from him that he had masturb*ted. Specifically, when he got into bed with me he didn’t get hard and he usually always does. I was like “he said he hasn’t been using p*rn” and was fine. In the morning I woke up and could not drop it. I didn’t see anything from the night before but there was multiple p*rn searches 3 days before our previous Saturday chat. So he had once again lied straight to my face in order to try and appease me.
I have always been 100% that I accept him for whoever he is and will do whatever we need to do for our relationship but also for his satisfaction and acceptance of himself.

At this point, I just don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to keep getting lied to. I want him to feel safe and unashamed to be honestly who he is. He told me he lied on Saturday because he was ashamed that he had caved and watched p*rn, and lied because he is hoping he can get to the place where he doesn’t need it. As I’ve told him before, it’s less about the subject matter and way more about the dishonesty. Any advice on where to go from here, or stories to share?