u/Reb-MVS

TLDR: my boyfriend says he doesn't know what to do in life and feels like he wasted the past 12 years. His parents are expecting him to finally graduate and start working but he dropped out of college again and hasn't yet told them. I'm struggling to see a clear future for us at this point and it's breaking my heart.

Looooooong text incoming!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a bit over 4 years. We met in university, I was starting my first degree and he was on his second. We only started really talking in our 3rd year when we had a class together and connected pretty much instantly. He was just as nerdy and had the same sense of humor as me, was smart, cute, we shared a lot of niche interests and he was just so funny and nice to be around. We quickly realized we were into each other and from our first date to officially being boyfriend and girlfriend took about three weeks, lol.

He is a good guy and I love him so much. During this time we grew so much, learned so much with and about each other and I feel like he is one of the very few people that have ever truly 'seen' me. I feel so comfortable with him and really felt like I found my soulmate.

The thing is, during the last 4 years, he has slowly been getting more and more depressed.

(Some backstory)

A little into the relationship, I found out he actually had flunked his first course. He first started uni as a 19 year old that was a bit too cocky and full of himself, wasn't well prepared, started failing classes and freaked out from the pressure. He stopped attending, basically ghosted all his classmates and eventually got kicked out for poor grades. However, he hid this from his family for three years. He was ashamed of telling his parents (traditional asian family) and pretended everything was normal and classes were fine, all the while staying in his apartment just playing games all day. When he was getting close to "graduating", his younger brother found out he was applying for university again and it was a whole MESS. Like, he was almost disowned. But he felt very regretful about this, recognized he messed up big time and was wanting to get back on track and do it right this time. Mostly to make it up to his parents.

This is a big thing, but it didn't make me perceive him negatively. He was actually being a very good student this time, went out of his way to help classmates with coursework and even did some tutoring. He was also being a very gentle, caring and loving boyfriend.

Then about 6 months into our relationship, his parents suffered a very serious car accident. They used to go to his apartment twice a month to spend the weekend and do some shopping the next day (we live in a bigger city). One night, about an hour away from arriving here, their car was hit by a big truck, on the passenger side where his mom was. It was really horrible, the car got absolutely mangled. We thought she was going to die, she was in a coma for a week. He blamed himself a lot, saying that if he had finished uni earlier they wouldn't be driving here and wouldn't have crashed.

When this happened, he chose to go back home for a semester and help care for his mom and his parents' restaurant. It was a long recovery, she had plates in her legs and arms and was bed bound for a couple months, but thankfully is doing really well and walking pretty much normally currently.

(End of backstory)

I think this is the point where things started to slowly decline. He took this very hard, it was very traumatic. He even said I could leave him because he couldn't be a good boyfriend at the time, but I wanted to be there for him and I gave my full support. I advised him to get therapy/medication, he did for a couple months but then stopped.

He never really got back in the rhythm of studying after coming back. He took the bare minimum of classes per semester, and was reaching just enough points to pass. There weren't many classes left to finish but I think the idea of graduating was at the same time everything he ever wanted and also the hardest thing he could possibly do. I always offered to help, either with the work or just to talk about how he was feeling but he even lied to me a few times, saying he had submitted something he hadn't even started.

Slowly, he started taking longer to answer messages or not even answering at all some days, again distancing himself from friends, leaving projects unfinished without contacting the other members and just wanting to spend time by himself playing games in his room. Everytime I confronted him about it I got met with a "I will do this later", "it will be sent tomorrow". I stopped asking for a while because I was feeling like his mom demanding to look at his homework. This extended to taking care of his house/taking care of himself. I would go to his house and the same dirty plate we used three days ago was still exactly in the same place. Very clear signs of mental health struggles. For a full year I've been battling with him for him to go back to therapy and go to a psychiatrist, but it's again all the same "I will call tomorrow", "I will take a look at that later". And he doesn't.

Well, the university has rules for minimal attendance. He didn't reach the requirements for this semester and got kicked out. Again. That was a month ago, and he sent in an appeal (only because I insisted very very hard), and he is waiting on a response. He has not told his parents yet. The exact same thing is happening again.

So that's where we're at now. The uni has one more week to give a response, and he can submit a second appeal. He is staying in his house and playing videogames all day.

He is very apathetic towards things. When I ask him why this happened, he says he doesn't know. When I ask him what he wants to do going forward, he says he doesn't know. When I offer to help practically (like booking an appointment for him), he says no and that he can take care of it. Tomorrow, later. He says that things are hard and difficult. And that he doesn't know.

I personally don't even care about him having a degree or not. If he realized that university isn't for him and he only went for it because of family expectations, that's fine! If he wants to try a third time, that's fine! All I want is for him to make a decision for himself.

I don't know what to think about him going through this again with his parents. He doesn't work, for the past 12 years he's been in uni. They've been paying for his things (not university at least, it is free here). I'm currently almost finishing my masters and plan to move and start working next year. I would've hoped by this point we would be planning to move in together but that seems so far away now.

Of course, I also feel like I'm neglected. I feel like I never really got to step down completely from the role I took of being the support for him when he was down and that is also weighing heavy on me. I miss having his support. I want to cry to him about the things I'm going through, but feel like I can't because he is 'worse'. I don't feel like having sex because it's almost like having sex with my son. I want my partner with me.

He has helped me and supported me many times in the past. He has reassured me in my abilities and made me look at things from a better perspective. He believes in me and made me feel more confident in being myself. I felt like we brought the best in each other and were a good support for each other. I was freaking out when I was finishing my degree and he was there for me.

I don't want to leave him. I love him a lot.

I myself go to therapy and am trying to understand how I feel and where to go. I just don't know for how much longer I can make myself believe in the "I will do it laters". If I even should believe it. Part of me wants to be selfish and say "if he wanted to, he would". It is too much to expect that the dishes are done when I get to his house? The other part is saying that he is very sick and I should be supportive, not demanding. Dishes is so superficial. He basically only talks to me lately. How could I leave him by himself, to deal with this? Just seems so terrible.

He has very low self esteem and often says he has no idea what I'm still doing with him. He always says he loves me back. He says that I was his guardian angel when the accident happen and that we maybe wouldn't even have made it here without me. I never know what to answer to that.

This is not what I envisioned for our future together.

We talked about getting married, we talked about travelling and our future house. We do have fun when we're together. When we are laughing it feels for a moment like everything is going to be ok. But there's no structure underneath. And it's sucks and it hurts. I want to hold on so bad.

Apologies for the wall of text and any English mistakes, I'm sure I'm babbling and not making much sense. This took me about three hours to write and I really needed to get it out. Truly appreciate anyone who read it.

AMO filmes de terror, mas acho muito difícil achar um que realmente me deixe imersa na história e com aquela sensação de ter alguém (ou algo) me observando pós filme hehehe

Meus preferidos são os que mexem com espíritos/forças de outro mundo/alienígenas, e principalmente maldições, por mais manjado que seja essa ideia de um local carregar energias negativas ou alguém ser fadado a um destino inescapável, acho um tema muito interessante. Gorezão, assassinos e um monte de morte já não curto muito, nem jumpscare barato.

Minhas recomendações:

\-Marcas da Maldição: uma mãe tentando proteger a filha. Provavelmente um dos meus preferidos de terror atuais. Tem todo o rolê de rituais familiares ancestrais e tal, todo o clima é muito bem montado e fiquei realmente mexida com o plot twist final. É found footage, o que deixa ainda mais imersivo;

\-O Chamado (versão americana): Samara! Gosto muito da versão original também (Ringu), mas assisti esse quando tinha uns 11 anos então marcou MUITO na minha mente, na época fiquei um bom tempo dormindo de luz acesa e com medo do telefone tocar;

\-O Iluminado: um dos grandes clássicos, filmaço, mas sinceramente gosto até mais do livro. É difícil um livro dar jumpscare mas várias vezes lendo ele o coração bateu forte, clima perfeito de tensão e amo o fato de o próprio hotel ser meio cosmic horror;

\-Guerra dos Mundos: trauma de infância. Assisti aos 8 anos e o barulho daqueles aliens tripés ficou pra sempre na minha cabeça. Fiquei antecipando os tentáculos aliens saírem da minha lâmpada de teto e me raptarem por boas semanas;

\-Fenômenos Paranormais: uma equipe de filmagem vai num lugar assombrado procurar fantasmas, mas eles realmente encontram os fantasmas. Engraçado no começo e aos poucos vai aumentando a pressão.

Então, quais recomendações vocês têm? 📽️👻

Minha mãe comprou um presente pra mim e não me avisou, então eu não estava esperando encomenda. O entregador jogou o pacote na garagem, nem tocou a campainha pra tentar entregar em mãos (tinha gente em casa) e quando cheguei com o carro em casa passei por cima e quebrou.

Como posso recorrer?