u/RedFernBison

I have noticed that my mindset tends to be very

"me, me, me, me, me."

I have lost people, not due to this (yet), but have been looking back on cherished memories and deeply loved ones and realized there are things I wish I wouldve remembered about them, or times ive gone to gift give and have noticed that my noticing, is lacking.

To be loved is to be seen.

And I really want to fully value my relationships now and make them feel truly understood and loved. There are some very obvious things here, like... give them the last bite, or the good seat. Write down the things they verbalize they like, do things which benefit them in quiet.

But what else? Any good tips or tricks?

Ok so, hi.

I have a big, big problem. I spend way too much money.

I have a lot of shame around it, so I've never fully admitted it but I need out of this loop because it's genuinely affecting my life.

I'm 28F. I had a very hard childhood—we were homeless when I was 7 and 8, and none of the adults in my life had healthy relationships with money. I was later adopted, but I still wasn't taught much about finances. Obviously, I'm well past the point where that's anyone else's responsibility. I take full accountability. That's just the context.

My entire adult life, I've spent every dollar I have, always into the negatives, between checks, on things I don't need. Then I become incredibly anxious about money... and do it again next paycheck.

I'm 28. I have no savings and never have. I have debt. I currently have a sentimental heirloom in a pawn shop that I have to get out by August because I needed money between paychecks. (Guess why.)

My bills are always paid—rent, phone, insurance. I'm never behind on those because the fear of being homeless is honestly a huge motivator. But I'm never ahead either. Savings don't exist, medical bills get ignored, and my debt stays around.

My credit has improved into the low 600s, but it still needs work. I have a secured card and monitor it regularly.

My biggest concerns are:

My company has been "trimming the fat" for over a year. If I lose my job, I have no emergency fund and would probably end up needing a title loan while trying to find another job.

My cat is getting older, and I worry about future vet bills.

My paid-off car is older and already throwing codes for repairs, which need to be done ASAP.

I also have ADHD, and while it's not an excuse, impulsivity absolutely plays a role. I recently started medication, and it is helping.

One thing that really bothers me is that my spending doesn't match my values. I'm an environmentalist going back to school for Environmental Science, and I hate overconsumption. Lately I've been trying to ask myself, "Do I actually need this?" and "Will this genuinely add value to my life?" But I still fall into the cycle.

My values and my spending don't align, and that affects me more than I can explain.

Anyway... any advice is appreciated. I also feel guilty even posting this because so many people are struggling financially. The truth is, I don't actually have spending money—I just spend like I do. And that's the whole problem.

Hi there!

I absolutely love THT, and this community. ❤️ long time lerker, first time poster

(Im pretty sure anyway lol)

Ugh, I am in need some advice because your girl is STRUGGLING thanks in advance for reading, its a long one. Also, trigger warning, slight violence refreneced.

Let me tell you about M.

My (ex?) Best friend.

So M (27M) and I (28F)

We were very close for quite a while and traveled very far on hiking trips sometimes 12hr+ togther, slept in the same tent, had long car rides, spent hours and hours away from home togther (this is important later) everything was always fine and a wonderful time.

For context:

M, was also my mentor at work and was an amazing professional. We had also known eachother as distant friends for years prior, because we went to HS together before happenstance led us to the same company in adulthood.

M was an amazing friend to me. Let me specify here though, that things were never romantic, we never discussed anything romantic with eachother about eachother or our relationship (sexuality prefreneces, and I do mean prefrences, not an identified, titled sexuallity, from his part, do have do have a place in this) even still, that was just never the case.

However, we did love eachother very deeply.

He was my 3 am call, and I, his.

He was an inspiration to me professionally and personally, his ideas were already my own. When we reconnected, I was so excited, I found someone who believed in what I did, and felt the same fire for environmentalism that id wished for in a friend (I live in a smaaaalll town) I was so aligned with his passion that when I truly got to know him I felt ready to brandish a strong loyalty to him and whatever cause he yielded. I finally had a friend who I admired and deeply believed in, if someone was going to inspire action, it was him. If he said he would do something he did it, every single time. He took a servant leader approach profrssionally and made it his business to make sure those around him successeded. And, the most important thing, he was kind. To everyone. Making people feel important was a priority to him.

As a friend, he inspired some of my best qualities. Some of his phrases are part of my map to my life even now. We spent much time after work discussing our passions and how to move our fields forward with vigor. What could we give the world and what do we, as humans, owe to eachother? We would laugh so hard it hurt, we'd stay up very late talking about potential and plans.

More context:

I was adopted at 14 due to a very unsafe childhood, and i never found acceptance within my adopted family. M became the family that I had always wanted, my brother.

Until the incident.

And forgive me, I have to be cautious of my wording here.

There was a hiking trip, the last we'd take togther. We decided to partake of some fancy "pizza toppings" of the fungi variety in a canyon. I had recently ended things in a short lived relationship, but while inebriated, I decided I wanted to see if they'd be willing to give it another shot (i was still grieving the relationship).

I expressed these thoughts to M, immediately something changed. Suddenly, the whole thing changed. He seemed......disappointed in me.

He wanted to explore during this "special portion" of our trip and I wanted to sit still. So I sat, in this Canyon state park, thinking he'd sit with me for a while. But, he left. I dont think he went far, and before dark he managed to find his way back to where he'd left me. Due to not being sober, I have no clue how long it was.

He sat next to me as dusk spread around us on the side of the canyon rim, and at his return and he expressed to me, that he no longer wanted to be friends. This was heartbreaking to me, but, at the time I felt... acceptance. "OK." I said.

"I love you, you carry a very special place in my heart"

I felt acceptance but also felt (in my current unsober state) that I had somehow done something wrong due to the immediate switch...

I coninued, "I want you to know that I never took your friendship for granted and I have nothing but the utmost respect and gratitude for you"

The next day hiking was AKWARD.

I was SO tired, coming down, but he was determined to hike.

So, I hiked.

When I say awkward, I dont mean in the typical sense. I mean that... there were times when I would look over at him and he would already be looking at me, with a look I'd never seen from him, and he wouldn't move, wouldnt look away. We did talk to eachother, after all, we were still.. us.

But at times he made odd comments,

"Do you know this'll be the last time we see eachother like this?"

Me: "yes and I'll miss you very much, but itll be ok" followed by a sweet smile at him.

Him: "yeah. Ill probably be your kids' grumpy uncle when you get married"

We drove the 10 hours home with only one pertaining comment, coming from him. "I wonder what I'll pour into now. My path has opened up" I gave him an encouraging response, it didnt matter... he was next to me, just over there, in the driver's seat, but very far away.

And then, work. Monday morning.

I didnt expect much to change, he was my boss' peer, so certainly above me, but I was not his direct report.

We broke mentorship ties, professionally of course and via email. But he would still approach me to ask if I needed anything.

As the days, a few weeks, wore on he started to get closer... sometimes acting like nothing happened and I let him because God, I missed my friend. We didnt hang out outside of work, but we became friendly again.

Then one day, M, two other people and myself went to get lunch and i guess he just... snapped. I was in the passenger seat, another co worker, R was directly behind me, M to the left behind the driver and K, the driver.

K's husband is a mechanic, and she frequently will help him or keep tools or supplies in her big SUV. She had a lawn mower cable thay day, and M, being behind me, to the left, used it to hurt me. I wont go into detail, but I needed help as it went on, It felt like 30 seconds, (later R and K's statement said it was much shorter time than I thought) I reached for K, but when I let go of the cable, it got tighter, I needed both hands. R, directly behind me layer stated that he didnt realize what was going on.

When it was over, I cried, in the passenger seat, saying nothing. (Part of my unsafe childhood was this exact thing and I reacted from trauma... just shutting down)

The following weeks, we were in and out of HR, i was a MESS. M moved centers.

A year later, now. I am kind of ashamed to say that I tried to be friends with M, after much conversation and apologizing on his end. He was my family for so long. Have you ever had the feeling of wanting to cry to someone but then remeber theyre the one who hurt you? I didnt press charges, but I did file with HR, hence the "statements".

I couldnt bare to press charges, to see my friend walked out in cuffs.

And I dont necessarily wish now, that I would've.

The forgiveness eventually cost me too much, and I spoke with a mental health professional for months after i ended the friendship.

The thing is, I still love him. And I struggle so much with him being such a good true friend, and such a kind person and this one terrible action somehow balancing?

Even now, I still miss my friend, there is a hole in my heart and somehow at the same time that I love him, I am upset that he just gets to live his life and I think about the loss of my found family, and relive the trauma every so often. As deeply as I love him, I want justice and both run so deep.

But one of my absolute favorite parts of hiking is the feelings.

I LOVE how hiking gear feels. Most of it is either this water resistant tough nylon ish feeling, or a slippery dyneema/polyester I love how it feels, I love running my hands on it, for the sounds.

I love feet against rocks, I love how rocks feel. Plants, even rough ones. I love climbing elevations and the different smells along the trail. I love the sounds of zippers and the sound of thin tent material in the wind the whispers of the high quality ones and the crinkles of the cheaper ones. Even the heavy breathing of other humans at the top of a hike. The rustle of brush, the silence of lower traffic areas.

This is what I do when I need to remeber why being alive matters and why fighting for the parks is so important.