u/RelativeWalrus5377

I wake up around 2-4 almost everyday with just like the saddest memories. The most traumatic stuff just stews in my head until this time and I wake up. Sometimes, like today I post stuff a little a bit. Sometimes I journal or talk with my dog or just go back to bed.

Like what is this? And if someday I can spend the money to get therapy does this part like go away? Bc I miss sleeping well. I don’t think I have had a good, non-medicated sleep in ever. I started taking medicine when I was 12. And now at 27 I can’t afford it and now I just wake up everyday in middle of the night with visceral memories that hurt and make me feel disgusting and awful.

Sorry all rambles and dyslexia

When I was junior in highschool I was sexually assaulted by a group of boy at party which was filmed and put on twitter and then taken down. This was like 10 years ago. And it lead me to a very weird friendship with then English teacher

My English teacher during this time got super interested in me, she started driving me home from school. She would ask very very sexual questions. She admitted to me she was virgin and would have me describe male students genitalia, things we did together, how it felt, how I felt, etc.

She also was supplying me with weed.

Just like wtf? At the time I was oh surly this mandated reporter is just getting more info so they can report. (I was a very naive person) and I don’t think I have thought about her since then. She had allegations she was sexting a student and never returned to out school.

Just like wtf

I won’t do this. No one should do this. But fucked ip ocd part of my brain is obsessed with it right now. I literally hide from myself out of fear I would do spay in my mouth.

Listen, I’m an adult and my mom letting me live with her while I’m getting fucked up life together. And I’m so grateful. I make her food all the time, I do extra chores. She knows I’m grateful. It’s good. We’re having construction done. A whole ass deck is being built outside of my room. Like a whole fucking deck. It’s unbelievably loud. And I know what you’re thinking, you fool, go to a park or the library. Well I’m also very very sick rn and I don’t think it’s safe for me to drive. And I don’t want to spread my sickness. On top of that getting up, getting me together and my dog prepped is so much fucking work I can’t do right now. I just barely was clean the bathroom after vomiting I think everywhere. I’m so tired and dehydrated and I just want to sleep and it’s sooo level 37 loud I can’t. I don’t want to be ungrateful and complain to my mom and everyone else too busy to talk on the phone so I’m just gonna vent here.

That is all. It feels awful. Like my intestines are moving around inside my body and getting knotted up.

This is pain should never be here. This is is is so painful. This is awful. I think I could start cutting out my own uterus if I wasn’t scared of blood. Ahahahhahahahahahahaha pls make the pain go away

My brain is moving miles and my head hurts and I have a cold and my dad trauma is occupying so much brain space and nothing I do that regularly calms me down is NOT EVEN FOOD OR WEED.

Can someone just say it’s okay or you’ll be okay. Because I feel like I am crumbling

I’m no contact with my dad. I’m going to list out the reasons why because I had a nightmare about him entering my life again, I’m just going to list out why we don’t talk in no particular order.

1. He “forgets” I’m queer. He’s not technically homophobic but he’s something. He sexualizes lesbian/bi women a lot. He’s very much okay with my step sister who is lesbian tho. He is very anti trans tho. He makes me come out to him every time I see him. It’s such a fucking nightmare.

2. He is one of the dumbest people I know. Like actually genuine intelligence, reason, forethought, communication skills, are all so fucking subpar and will talk down to you.

3. He is a massive hypocrite. He hates liars, man cannot stop lying. Sure as shit loves his wife who lies ALLL THE fucking TIME EVERYONE

4. Mofo his wife is crusty

5. He admitted to raping someone. I was raped for literally like 10 hours straight by an ex boyfriend. I had to be hospitalized after he sodomized me with something that doesn’t go into butts and then just yanked it out. And once I got off suicide watch, I spoke to him and explain I WAS NOT RAPED bc to him, dating is consent. And then went on to say “I did almost the exact same thing [ex girlfriend’s name (a woman who we dated when she was 15 and he was 21 😳)

6. Bro was 26, married and knocked up a 19 year old and then blamed her for every single issues they had for years.

7. The last time we spoke was a three way call between my mom, him, and my myself. Where he felt “too triggered” to talk my mom (the person who forced me to talk to him) why was it triggering, what possible could my mom have done? My mom asked if he could cover half of my student loans for 2 months so she could buy a house. HE IS A WHOLE ASS ENGINEER BTW and he said he couldn’t bc inflation. He’s the most frugal guy ever and absolutely could have helped.

8. He reminds me that only certain things I do make him proud. He told me this most clearly while absolutely drunk in hotel in Spokane.

9. On the Spokane trip he got mad I started crying when I saw him and my brothers for the first time after I had been away in college for like 6 months.

10. He sexualized queer women. Including myself and his stepdaughter.

11. He believes he’s too old to understand transgender people. He is 56 btw.

12. He makes me worthless bc I think he’s worthless and I know I’m most like him

Writing out this list actually made me feel so much worse so I’m going to post and sob into my pillow. Didn’t even get into the abuse in childhood.

Why do people make soooo many videos body checking themselves? Why today is my fyp sending me these? Why is the videos making me spiral?

Ahhhhahajajahhahah

I haven’t slept like a good, full nights rest since before I was sick. I woke up today at 5 am. My head feels so heavy. I have tried like 2 different medication. I really wish we had even subsidized healthcare here. I think I need to see a doctor. I feel like I haven’t a full breath of air in a month. My throat is raw from coughing. My body feels weird and like out of sync with myself. Brain fog, migraine, light sensitivity. If I press on certain parts of my face my nose starts leaking. My nose makes a chirping sound when I breathe.

Brain not working good? Software patch.

Knee hurts? WD-40

No sweat, no saliva, no bathroom.

Ugh I know irl it’s awful and I could never. But it’s so appealing to me.

I recently picked Among Us up again. It’s so fun when you’re high.

What other games do yall like while stoned?

I play sims and pikmin as well but among us has been hitting lately

I think I’m feeling like my intestines move or stuff moving inside of them. It is one of the worst pains. It’s very on par with my endo cramping.

This radiates from guts to my butt and lower back and thighs. It’s awful. I genuinely feel like I’m dying.

If I could just gift this pain to someone who could afford to get help with it I would.

Part of me is really scared that my endometriosis is spreading and that’s why it’s soo painful.

I have been assaulted a handful times in my life, for me it’s always been men causing the issue.

I take a long break from anything to process stuff and deal and grow and heal. All the stuff regulated, normal, adult people do.

First time I’m messaging a guy dick pic, dick pic, dick pic.

Extremely mid dick btw. On a scale from slimy fish to king cobra bro is shimpy while hard. I’m not size queen and normally I’m not so judgey but I literally said what do you like do for fun. I’m trying to get to know you. YOU SAID YOUR BIO YOU WANT SOMETHING SERIOUS/LONG TERM.

Whatever, blocked. Moving on to the next person.

Same fucking thing. Pleasantries, then blam dick pic dick pic. Veiny but overall not impressed. Lowkey giving Pokémon dick.

Now I’m somewhat annoyed. So I ask you’re like 3rd guy to do this, why do guys do this? I’m specifically saying I want an emotional connection, a serious relationship.

It’s cause men need sex- to this specific, Pokémon-dicked, dude. Just get a fucking fleshlight. Literally pay someone for sex if you have to. Or be honest and say you’re just looking for sex. Apparently that doesn’t work. Well maybe look inward, Brian? Maybe assess why no women want to fuck you and weird ass dick.

If you weren’t some braindead dumb fuck and communicated, “hey my profiles says this, I’m actually looking for this”

And honestly 50/50 on if I would have sent nudes, but at least you would know I want to see your peepee. Instead of just throwing it at me throw a phone. Like fucking gross.

I wish men understood YOUR NUDES ARE UNWANTED SEXUAL CONTACT. ME SWIPING RIGHT TO MESSAGE YOU IS NOT CONSENT SHOW ME YOUR LITTLE SHIMPY PENIS.

A deck is being built on my house. My dog is freaking out bc there are men in backyard. I have a mirgraine and cold and I’m only conscious for like 20 minutes before sleeping again. My dog is upset keeps making me wake up. I gave her a calming treat and lick mat to help with the energy. My AC is rattling. I want my head to feel like it’s not exploding

I woke up with it stuck in my head. It’s a constant loop of abba. For the first 20 minutes I was like “Slay today will be great, I’m a dancing queen” and now it’s been 2 hours. I have listen to the song a few times thinking it would help. It did not help. I listened to other catchy songs I like. It did not help.

I have been not doing great recently. So I went to go sit outside with my dogs. She’s on concrete heating up, I’m on a stool in the shade. I’m playing on my phone, listening to a YouTube video, the street is loud, there’s cars going by, and beeping, and swooshing. There’s several lawn mowers going on. The wind is moving gentle through the trees and bees and wasp a flying around, buzzing.

A blue bird comes down. I think I have seen them before around here. They’re cute and pointy and my dog likes chasing them.

The blue bird lands on the tree in front of me. My YouTube video pauses or is buffering, the street is silent, the sounds of people landscaping, and wind all vanish.

Im here in this moment with the blue bird. It’s beautiful and pointy and captivating. I just realize the world, my whole world paused for a second so I could take in this really pretty bird.

I think blue birds might be like spirit guide or something idk.

I used to have a mantra at school when I would panic attacks, I used to look at the window and think about being a blue bird flying away. And I would say to myself “fly away blue bird”

Idk it all felt very significant. Because the world got loud again. And I stopped everything to write this out so I could remember it. And reflect on it

Sometimes I hate being bisexual. It kind of makes me feel trapped in weird way I don’t feel like explaining. I don’t think I will ever be with a man again. But I wish I could stop being attracted to them. It’s not even frequently I see people I like, and fewer are men than others, but I just feel like ickiness all over and that same unclean feelings I get when I’m triggered remembering being assaulted when I see a man I think is cute or fuckable or whatever.

One bad nights sleep and I can’t see things clearly.
My feelings are more feelings than they were yesterday.
And I want to die.
I had to pick up grocery’s, it was a struggle not intentionally crash my car.
I wish help was accessible.
Being in that fucked up spot of “oh you need help” and you *cant* afford it AND you’re not quite poor enough to qualify for help.
So you drown.
You sink way way deep down.
Into places that were tucked away intentionally. By memories that glued together a childhood.
I almost crash my car today.
I was scared I would make it, so I didn’t crash.
I wish I had tho.
I wish I was crying right now.
That I was being put in medical induced coma and I could just wait.
I could just wait, heal, and my brain would being sinking me into places where all the scary stuff hide.

I had another dream about my dad.
And I hate being alive.

And keeps making think about how I’m going to somehow get a rash and then I start feeling itchy thinking about rashes.

Brain evil