I don't know how to save myself and the kids, too
TRIGGER WARNING: Emotional and physical abuse of adults and children
I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few months ago. My mom had BPD and I was her person. Until she passed when I was 31, I really thought that she was the primary if only source of trauma in my life and my family. After she died, I made a tremendous amount of progress in therapy, finally able to process so many things that I couldn't when her abuse was still going on well into my adulthood. Her passing also helped me realize that she was not my only abuser in my family. I was emotionally abused my entire family of origin, including my dad, my stepmother, and my sister.
I'm turning 40 soon and my sister is 18 months younger. When we were kids, she was both physically and emotionally abusive. She had major anger issues that my parents could not and would not deal with. She regularly hit me, kicked me, and slapped me up well into our teens and a few times as adults. She called me every name in the book and made fun of everything about me to the point that my self-esteem was obliterated – I still hear her voice echo in my head about how ugly I am and how the way I chew is disgusting and the way I walk is funny and weird.
When she was still at home and I had moved out, she started reaching out to me more and we became "friendly." We had a lot of the same interests and of course the shared awful experience of being raised by our parents. After my dad had a stroke 10 years ago, I moved back to our hometown and my sister and I became "best friends."
I put that in quotes because I've come to realize that the way my sister calls me her best friend is very similar to the way my mom called me her best friend. It means that she can and will use me for all of her wants and needs, and my role is to quietly and happily let her. For years, I was absolutely terrified of her thanks to her childhood relationship, so she was able to completely control me. She would have me run her errands on the other side of town. We would go out for "sister days" where we spent hours doing things that she loved and I hated. I hate talking on the phone and she would call me multiple times a day just to chat. Every time I see her, I have to drive 40 minutes each way to her house. Recently when I raised this imbalance with her, she said "I thought you wanted to do those things because you love me." Her expectation of love is complete control and compliance. And not only am I expected to do these things, I'm expected to do them with a smile on my face. I've been screamed at for being totally silent during an errand because she "knows I'm upset" and that's not okay.
Over the last few years as I've started to understand our relationship via therapy, I've tried to set boundaries. It has not gone well. Twice in the last six months, she has screamed at me at the top of her lungs with her children in the car!!!, calling me "fucking rigid" and a bitch and telling her I give her too many rules.
Her behavior has also escalated at home. She recently hit her husband in front of her kids. She had an emotional affair last summer. A few weeks ago, I took my 7 year-old nephew out for the day and the moment he got into my car he said, "Mom has been getting angry at me all the time lately for things that she doesn't normally get mad about. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem?" Broke my freaking heart. He reminds me so much of myself The 5 year-old is very much like my sister and has started going down the same path. She hits her brother and parents regularly and is very aggressive.
I'm done. I'm done with my sister trying to control everyone and everything around her and I'm done with letting her get away with it. I'm done watching her abhorrent behavior and seeing her take zero responsibility and no action to make things better. My therapist recently floated the idea that she may also have BPD, which actually makes a lot of sense.
The problem is the kids. These dear, sweet kids. I know that their life is already difficult and it's just going to get harder. I love them dearly and I can't bear to see another generation of this cycle – this would be the third as my mom likely developed BPD from her own childhood trauma with an untreated bipolar mom.
But I also know that in the last week that I haven't spoken to my sister after yet another big blow-up, I've felt free. I don't jump when my phone buzzes with a text from her, fretting that she's upset or she's going to ask (tell) me to do something. I'm not getting yelled at for doing or not doing anything. I have space to breathe and I have quiet. I've tried so many times to establish a relationship with her that works for both of us, and she is just not willing.
If I were to cut off contact with her, chances are extremely high that she would never let me see her kids again as I'd become a sworn enemy. My therapist even outright said she's stumped on what to do here.
I'm so tired and I don't know what to do.
