u/Repulsive-Event-7239

I’m 19 (f) and i miss my horrible dad. I haven’t spoken to him in six years, he abused me and my mother verbally/mentally and emotionally for years, and yet i still miss him. It feels like i’m grieving someone who’s still alive, he had all the opportunities and abilities to be a good dad, and while he was awful there were a few good years with him. I was always his “little helper” and we’d go on fishing trips almost every weekend, and he’d always get me “bug juice” and powdered donuts from the gas station and that was our thing. We’d bond over music and his music taste shaped mine for the rest of my life, it’s so hard to have the presence of someone who was apart of your conception and birth just suddenly be removed from your home in the blink of an eye because drugs were more important than his family. All the therapy i’ve had for my childhood trauma regarding him has helped but even still i miss him, because i romanticize the good parts of him and while i try to remind myself of how he treated me and my mother, i still wish i could talk to him at least one more time. I wish i could’ve told him I loved him before cutting him off, I wish I could’ve seen him thrive after he moved out and I wish he could’ve succeeded outside of our home instead of letting his life crash and burn around him. It’s not fair. I wish my dad was normal. I’ll never have the full experience of what a father is, I’ll never hear him tell me he’s proud of where I’m at and who I’ve become, I’ll never hear him say he’s proud of me for my work promotion as a manager and the raise i’ve gotten since, I’ll never hear him tell me he’s proud of me moving out soon. None of this is fair.

so about a month or two ago, i made a post about my first upper endoscopy. the procedure went so smoothly and i was NOT expecting it to be only 15 minutes! i reacted very well to the anesthesia and took like the best nap of my life in the recovery room, they couldn’t wake me up! anyways, i didn’t have high hopes for any answers at all as it usually goes- but they called me today and gave answers! aside from having gerd and excess stomach acid i unfortunately have h-pylori as well, but at least its easily treatable!!! yay!! 😸

i genuinely cannot take this anymore, my room is disgusting. my sheets are pulling off the corner and bags and shirts surround me, a huge pile of clothes on the floor to the point where i can’t see, cannot walk to the front of the bed and the floor is completely covered in trash under my mattress. i really wish i could show a picture of the state my room is in. im so stressed and frustrated and i feel like a stupid pig living in a mud pen.

aside from that- i’m nineteen. i don’t have my permit. i failed my first test despite how much i studied and that discouraged me so deeply that the idea of studying feels useless because i can’t remember or retain what im reading because im still somewhat inattentive. i just really need some advice.