u/Resident-Movie5033

TL;DR: husband and I are financially incompatible - divorce? What, if anything, can help?!

My husband of 12 years really is terrible with money. I was pregnant with our oldest (we now have 3 boys ages 12, 10, and 6), and he didn’t open his mail. So, he got a wage garnishment due to not paying his student loans. It took half his monthly salary. And I was trapped at home with our babies living in a nice home but in a dilapidated rust belt town with limited resources, terrible childcare options, one car, and no ability to get a job. I stressed about getting groceries and diapers for our baby boys. It took him a year before he was able to get the garnishment stopped and somewhat under control. We worked through it and were eventually able to buy a house in that town and another car. We were able to get a couple of credit cards and actually had a nice chunk of money in our savings account. It felt great! We tried for a third and as soon as we found out we were pregnant again, the pandemic struck. Had our baby, who was and still is an absolute joy! Then 6 months later, when he was 41, we discovered that he had a large aortic aneurysm in his heart. He underwent open heart surgery. And then we decided we needed to move out of our home and the town we didn’t really love and so I could have more opportunities to get a well-paying job with health insurance in case something terrible happened with his health…so we moved out of state. It was hard. We couldn’t afford to buy a new home in the place we moved to. So we’re renting now and have been for 4 years. The move wasn’t fully reimbursed by his new job, so we put the expense for Pods on my credit card and used another one of my credit cards for other expenses - they were not joint credit card accounts - just in my name. And he had some other credit cards he was using too. The cost of living in our new area is about twice as much as our old town…and our boys are older now and want certain shoes and to participate in extra curricular activities. But, we cashed out his retirement account when we moved here in the thought that it would help us pay off our credit card debt ( it was about $27,000 after the fees that we had available to us). Unbeknownst to me, he did not disclose that on our taxes for that year (2022). So last year, we get hit with a $16,000 bill from the IRS and this year we got hit with a $6,000 bill from the state. So I stopped paying my two credit card bills that were in my name only so that I could get the tax lien off of our record. After about 3 months, the state tax lien was satisfied. So I made arrangements to start repaying my two credit cards minimum payments again. It turns out that one of them didn’t actually go into repayment despite the plan I made. And now I have a lawsuit from the credit card that is incredibly stressful. I’m writing a letter to the court and am calling their lawyer to try to make a minimum repayment plan. It makes me sick to my stomach. I had decent credit before marrying my husband. I’ve never had a lot of money but I always paid my bills and got an extra job if there was something I couldn’t afford but needed or wanted.

Since marrying this man, though, instead of my life getting easier and being able to afford more things and take our kids on vacations, I’m spending my free time haggling with creditors and “robbing Peter to pay Paul,” so to speak. I thought marriage was supposed to make life easier and better.

My husband and I were such good friends in undergrad, where we met. He was actually married then, but we were just friends - no interest. Then he moved for grad school and we lost touch for years. Reconnected on Facebook in 2011 and he was finalizing his divorce. We went on a roadtrip to California and definitely fell in love. It was a beautiful story. He told me he had been found medically incapable of having biological children while we were dating.

But I’m just wondering if I was bamboozled and should divorce this guy or in the very least separate our finances after getting these credit card and tax bills repaid?

TLDR: divorce my husband for our terrible financial situation?

Summary: need advice on if separate finances actually make sense or if divorce is the better option.

TLDR: anyone experienced regrets when taking a job you were on the fence about after the interview, essentially only for a bit more money and title change?!

Hi all! I have received a job offer for a position which would provide a $9,810 increase in my annual salary and an new title. Job duties would be similar to what do now but I would need to be in office 5 days a week all day from 8-4:30 (hybrid with Flex Time now, in office 3 days a week and able to come in a little earlier and leave a little earlier). I kind of sensed that there wouldn’t be a lot of onboarding or a strong professional growth opportunity in the interview…kind of had the “withdraw my app” vibe afterwards.

I then interviewed for a position that is directly in line with my career goals - learning more about post-award grant management - but won’t hear back if I’m offered that position until early next week. It would have a great onboarding process and strong likelihood of internal promotion as I continue to learn and grow professionally. It would also be a hybrid scenario. I really want this job!

But for the job I’ve been offered: I feel torn because in this job market, I feel lucky to have been offered a “higher status” title and a bit of a raise. But, I do enjoy my Flex Time and 2 days a week remote work. I just wish I could know if the position I really want is considering me...

Has anyone ever accepted a position they were on the fence about simply for a bit more money and professional status? If so, did you deeply regret it soon after starting?

Just thought it might be worthwhile to check in here to get some interview questions that either stumped you during a research admin interview or that you thought were really good (or those that you use regularly because they are so helpful from the hiring end). Thanks, hive mind!

I’m struggling lately with being compassionate for my husband. We found out he had a large aortic aneurysm 5 years ago. He survived the surgery, but his (our) quality of life has been so limited ever since. He didn’t ask for this - of course - but neither did our three boys, our dog, and I. I’m feeling really judgmental about his choices and actions regarding eating, drinking, and exercise. I’m really strongly resenting how other couples in our neighborhood get to workout together or how other dads do things like mow the lawn, take out the trash, and run around rough housing with their boys in the front yard. I wanted that kind of life for my boys! I wanted to go on bike rides with my whole family and take hiking and camping trips. In fact I got married so I wouldn’t always have to do all of the things I don’t particularly enjoy and would have a spouse and kids to do all the things I love with. But, here I am, the “married single parent” running myself ragged trying to do all the things for everyone in my family without enjoying much of it. We had such a wonderful story of getting together and eventually getting married. But sometimes, I just wonder if it would have been easier if…well, I can’t type that.

Actually, venting here has been helpful. It seems obvious that I need to take a break/get some self-care/alone time. Maybe I’ll try to see if some family can help watch my boys for a weekend…

Thanks for any supportive advice in advance!

I’m married for 12 years. My husband and I have 3 boys. I converted to Episcopalianism in my twenties and absolutely love it. My spirit soars when I’m at a service…the incense, the liturgy, the hymns, the inclusive theology.

I wanted my family desperately and assumed we would attend our local Episcopal church as a family.

Well, that has never happened. And my kids actually say they hate it and my husband is annoyingly picky/critical about every. single. church. We’ve attended and tried probably 10 different churches (not all Episcopalian) over the course of our marriage and raising a family.

Do I attend church alone because it serves my spirit so deeply? Will this break down my family eventually? Should I consider divorce since we clearly are not spiritually compatible?

Any advice is appreciated.

I’ve been working in research administration for four years in pre-award. I am feeling very stuck in my institution and like there is no path forward to advance in this career. I have discussed wanting to move into post-award and obtain leadership roles in my annual reviews. I’m in an MBA program. But I honestly don’t think my boss cares or wants me to leave my position because then they would have to train a new replacement.

Is this normal in research administration? How can I get out of what feels like a dead-end career? Is it just my institution and maybe I need to just start applying to other positions at other institutions?

Any advice is appreciated.