u/RevolutionaryBad4470

I want to start with, I don’t hate myself. I hold myself to a high regard. I know there are good qualities about me. I know that fundamentally, I am a good person. However, I wanted to get this off my chest.

At 31, everyday I wake up in this body, I realize deeply that I will always be single. I watch my friends have relationships, get approached, have fun with guys, but I can’t have that. When I was in my early 20s, I had fun. But I never got any commitment. Now at 31, I have no fun and no commitment. And deep down? I know it’s because I’m big. I am attracted to Black men as a Black woman, and they have tore me down so much. Sometimes I’m scared to speak to them because I know they’re analyzing everything that’s wrong with me.

I could go on and on but I’m tired of being single. I’m tired of never being chosen. I hate that no one can see in the good in me because all they see is my size. I just wanted to vent and get it off my mind because it makes me so sad but I have to hide it. I have to pretend that I’m just too focused and ambitious for love when it’s the total opposite. But I can’t open myself up to anyone because they don’t see me, they just see someone who isn’t worthy of being seen in public with them.

She ruined my graduation mass because I didn’t want to immediately take pictures. Now she’s not coming to my graduation and called me a selfish bitch this morning. I should be more hurt but honestly I’m numb. I knew all her support was fake. I knew it.

Not gonna be too long. I graduate law school next week. Seems like most people I consider friends have a million excuses for why they can’t show up for me. I’ve already removed romantic relationships from my life. I’m very close to giving up on friendships too.

I try very hard to show up for people but it never seems like my efforts are reciprocated. And because I’m a very direct person, people use my “reactions” as a way to escape accountability for letting me down. I’m done putting effort into relationships; platonic and romantic.

People kinda suck. But I’m still very proud of myself. First generation college graduate and law graduate. Still sad, but also very proud.

I just came on here to vent. Maybe other people feel like, maybe they don’t. But I wanted to vent these feelings.

Black men have treated me poorly my whole life. From insults, to dating, to professional spaces, my interactions have been more negative than positive. Even with that, I try very hard not to generalize people. I love the nuances of life and I know people are deeply complex beings. However, with all the online discourse happening recently, I feel tired.

I lost a family member to domestic violence. Killed in her own home. To go online and see Black men defending the murder of Black women, it’s heavy. I feel like we are so hated. So judged. So resented. And I can’t understand why. Feeling down about the state of community recently. It’s so negative and hurtful. I know I should take a step back online but I hear the same stuff in real life too.