u/RevolutionaryTip7572

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For context, this person insisted I'm the toxic narcissist after I called into question their emotional intelligence. For further context, were discussing a situation where I held a discord server's moderation team accountable for repeatedly refusing to accept my communicative intent despite numerous clarification, I stated that doing that reflects a lack of emotional intelligence. I explained that I was not making a mod suggestion, I was discussing a mod idea and that I have a right to decide that I don't want to suggest something. For some reason they wouldn't let it go and they kept insisting I am suggesting something to them and that they get to decide that because its their server. Some people confused my communicative intent with their interpretation, but after a speaker clarifies their communicative intent, shouldn't that hold more weight than the persons interpretation, and isn't it morally wrong to continue to disregard someones communicative intent and double down on the initial interpretation?
Am I the narcissist or are they in the wrong?

I've received some backlash for expressing how lacking in emotional intelligence and how disrespectful I think it is to override communicative intent, but I have been met with backlash from a few people, so I wanted to go to a different community that might be more well versed on this topic to compare responses and see if there is something I'm missing here.

I also understand there is some nuance involved, sometimes people can say they did not intend to do something to avoid accountability, but in this context, the clarification of communicative intent was not in response to an accusation of wrong, but a neutral misunderstanding and one that was clarified but not respected.

Please share your thoughts!

I recently had an interaction with the developers of a Discord server that left me frustrated, not because of the moderation itself, but because of how my intentions were handled.

I was discussing a hypothetical mod idea in the general chat. A developer replied that it was a suggestion and belonged in the Suggestions channel.

I clarified that I wasn't suggesting they implement anything. I was simply discussing an idea I was considering creating myself. In other words, I wasn't asking the developers to do anything. I was talking with other members about a hypothetical concept.

The developer responded by saying that it was a suggestion because they decided it was. I replied that these were two separate issues. I had no objection to moving the discussion into another channel if that was how they wanted to organise their server. My objection was that they continued to describe my post as a suggestion even after I had clarified that it wasn't intended as one.

To me, those are independent questions:

• Where a message belongs is entirely up to the server staff.
• What I intended to communicate is something I can clarify if there has been a misunderstanding.

I repeatedly explained that I wasn't challenging the moderation decision. If they wanted all discussions about mod concepts in the Suggestions channel, that's completely within their rights. My concern was simply that they continued to tell me what I meant after I'd already explained my intention.

What I expected was something along the lines of:

"I understand you aren't suggesting it to us. We'd still prefer discussions like this to go in the Suggestions channel."

That would have acknowledged my clarification while still enforcing exactly the same rule. I would have complied without any issue.

Instead, the discussion became increasingly focused on the fact that the developers own the server. I agreed with that every time it was raised, but it never addressed the point I was actually making. My position was always that moderation authority and acknowledging someone's clarification about their own communicative intent are not mutually exclusive.

Later, another moderator joined the discussion and it became increasingly personal, including insults rather than discussion of the point I was trying to make. That was disappointing because I felt the conversation shifted away from the original issue.

Afterwards I posted about the interaction, but many responses also focused almost entirely on whether the developers had the right to move my post. I never disputed that. My concern was the distinction between enforcing a rule and continuing to insist that someone intended something after they've explicitly clarified otherwise.

I'm interested to know whether others have had similar experiences where they felt a misunderstanding escalated because the focus shifted from resolving it to defending the original interpretation. I've done some digging and I've found other threads where other people have had similar stubborness from the developers when others have tried to hold them accountable.

I discussed a mod idea in their general chat and the dev came in and stated "thats a suggestion, that belongs in the suggestion channel" I clarified "I'm not making a suggestion, I'm discussing a hypothetical mod idea. Whether I am suggesting or discussing is for me to decide" He doubled down "this is my server and I get to decide what it is" my response "and that reflects a lack of emotional intelligence as you are trying to control and author someone elses intentions." His response: "I get to decide where your words should go as the server owner" my response: "you're conflating two things that aren't mutually exclusive. I never objected to where my words should go, I held you accountable for trying to author my intentions which reflects a breach of boundaries and a lack of emotional intelligence. I can acknowledge this while complying with putting my words in the channel you desire them".

People then tried to jump in and defend the server owner by saying that he is the server owner and he decides where you should have to post and I had to repeatedly explain that "my compliance with instruction and his accountability for breaching my boundaries are not mutually exclusive" and "that I never objected to where my words should go I objected to something with only surface relevance, that is, you attempted to double down and author my words and intentions even after clarification." I am not some slave to be controlled and for a server owner to author my intentions, if there is a misunderstanding, I clarify my intention and anyone with basic emotional intelligence, without exception, acknowledges the other persons authority to author their own intentions.

A mod then came in and made incredibly disrespectful comments and resorted to namecalling. While negativity was present in my responses, there's a difference between someone behaving in a way where negativity becomes necessary as part of accountability (i.e. calling someones emotional intelligence into question when they treat you with such a lack of empathy) vs calling someone an arse for holding you accountable or using the darvo technique to villainise the person that was wronged.

I also think that this encounter illustrates the power of cognitive bias, even if the dev or moderators are behaving inexcusably, everyone within that bubble prioritises protecting the people who they have developed relationships with rather than engaging the logical part of the brain and holding someone accountable even if that person is close to you and the other person is a stranger. The ability to do this is rooted in integrity, and unfortunately its something that not everyone possesses.

I'd honestly like to know if anyone else experienced similar mistreatment from these devs and moderators where their egos clouded their ability to take accountability and humble themselves.

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