u/Ribbons_in_space2004

Sooo it's almost been a month since I had to go to the hospital for SH related issues, and I've been clean for about a week, I admit today I picked up a knife, but I didn't actually do anything to myself, instead I drew on my leg. I'm kinda proud of myself. Going for 2 weeks, wish me luck

Nothing much to say about this, my scars are itching and my brain worms are telling me to open them again. Instead of doing that, I drew them as eyes, because eyes open and close without pain

Anyway I'm exhausted, so I'll go to sleep

So uuuuh, I had a nightmare where I tried to k1ll myself, made a mini comic about it, but instead of drawing myself, I kinda related it to one of my dear punching bag characters. Some other stuff happened today aside from the nightmare, which brought my mood down, but whatever, it issss what it issss

Made this yesterday while smoking with my brother, mum and my brother's bf. It's a space olm hehe

Did the ice thing today, and it helped a lot to reduce the urges and vivid thoughts of SH, but it kinda feels like I'm faking my pain if I don't actually hurt myself.

I can get better, I really hope so. Thoughts are just thoughts, and I don't have to listen to them.

Healthy coping strategies feel so weird, I understand the point of them, but it's hard to convince myself that it's the best thing to do

Had a small relapse yesterday, and someone very dear to me told me that me doing this breaks his heart. So I made this art piece today. Stopped myself from looking for ways to hurt myself, because I keep thinking about how selfish it is of me to want to put my addiction before the people who care about me

I really really want to hurt myself, but don't have blades and knives are dull. And the idea to uhhh... Take a lot of pills is not leaving my mind. I have self control, I won't do it, but it's being a pain

Hurt, I've been hurt enough, being yelled at all the time, walking on eggshells, being given massages that hurt as if she was trying to break my bones.

I've had things thrown at me, I was hit with a pan on the head, I was ignored when I needed medical attention many times.

I was made to pray to a god I was taught hated everything about me, I saw my sibling be kicked to the ground for not wearing the clothes she wanted them to wear.

I was touched, grabbed, and many more things, by her favorite grandson. My childhood and teenage years were wasted in pain, it is all I knew, and it's what brings me confort. Positive affirmations and support systems don't help if all I want to do is hurt.

I want my blades back, I feel better when I'm not safe from myself. If people could hurt me all my life, why can't I hurt myself too? I'm supposed to be a punching bag, a stress release toy

I hate that I can get triggered so easily, the worms in my brain are having a field day

I have to tell my sibling about how I feel. But I don't know if it will help at all. I wish I didn't ask for help last week, then I'd still have my blades.

I just feel so empty, tired, I wish I could stop existing for a while, because sleeping is only making me more tired today.

The problem with having to reach out to my family is that I'd have to do it every day, since I feel like shit half the time. Yesterday I was doing okay, but today I just don't have the energy to try to be better

So, I haven't cut myself in a week, and I got my stitches removed. It was a little awkward and the nurse accidentally cut me twice (nothing too bad, but it kinda bled a little)

I have been hitting my arm against stuff, so I can't exactly say I'm clean of SH, but it had been a while since I made it to a week.

Other than that, I had fun in class, and I'm looking forward to therapy tomorrow, it's probably gonna be a little awkward on my part, but let's be honest, it always is.