u/Rileslay

Divorce has been finalized for over a month now. She moved 1200 miles away to be closer to her affair partner. I really fucking did a good job of not saying anything or doing anything that could land me in hot water. I basically shut the fuck up and dealt with her shit for 4 months. I knew the guy too and I wanted to and still do want to message him and chew him out.

I really really want to ruin her and her affair partner. I hope they live miserable fucking lives. I hope the both lose their jobs and become homeless. I hope her car breaks down. I hope she has the worst fucking apartment in texas. I hope that no one shows up for her when she needs it. I hope that she has a strained relationship with her parents.....

With all that said. Im angry and its 1:30am and I can't sleep because I can't stop being angry. And I dont actually want bad things to happen to her. I loved her and she was my best friend for 11 years. Fuck her and fuck her affair partner but I guess I hope they live the most "ok" life of all time.

I need sleep. I hate my life

Hey all, its done.

I moved back in with my parents, and sold the house. Still trying to adjust. I honestly don't understand my mental state right now. I feel "ok"? Like better than I have in months. But I'm also aware that I am extremely depressed, in a way more so than i have been, weand still not sure why I'm still here. I'm extremely sad and have been having a hard time not thinking about how fucked my life is now and how angry i am at my ex for cheating on me, leaving me for the other guy, and how angry I am that I don't see a future for myself. I havent been able to cry in over a week. I almost had to pull over when driving my cats to my new space but since then I haven't even been able to force myself to cry. I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me. I'm able to acknowledge that I'm am depressed and I am struggling and I hate my life right now and I'm angry that my ex did this... but I don't "feel" it like I did 2+ weeks ago. I feel like my emotions are just broken.

Not sure if anyone has a similar story. Or understands and can explain whats going on with me. Is this it getting better? Is this worse? Am I going to have a monumental melt down at somepoint? Anything to help me clear my mind would be appreciated.

Divorce is finalized, closing on the house in about a week. Planning to be out of the house and move back in with my parents before next weekend.

My folks and I just took a ton of stuff over to goodwill. and now im sitting in the bathroom crying. I am getting rid of almost everything. Besides my desk, bed, and clothes. I found 2 items i dont know what to do with..... i couldnt even pick them up.... one is a sign with our last name and our wedding date, the other is a box with all of our wedding cards and birthday and Christmas cards.

Im a wreck right now. I hate this stupid fucking house and all of the repairs it needs, and stupid floorplan decisions. But it was my first house. My first real HOME as an adult. I made it mine. I love the area I live in and now everything here is going to be 45min away. I hate that my ex wife cheated on me and divorced me when I wanted to try to fix things between us. But I hate that she destroyed the life i built more. Just having a really bad day and trying to force myself to pack up stuff and move but its not working.

Not really enjoying life right now. I'm officialy divorced, can't quite go no contact yet but I'm just miserable all day every day. Hobbies just aren't fun, I don't engage with conversations with friends, im trying to get my house sold and deal with all of the bullshit involved with that and moving. And just don't have energy to do anything else. I'm trying to build a shedule but thats been fucked from the moment I started it. I know Im struggling because I've never had to go and do things alone and it really just sucks the fun out of things. The moment I get excited I turn to talk to her about it but remember its just me again. Idk what I'm doing. She was the only person I was ever in a relationship and boy did she decide to fuck me up on her way out. I've never had to heal from a serious mental hit like this before so im stressed because I feel like I'm not healing but my friends say I'm doing better. Also, im stressed out cause 2 of my closest friends are moving out of state and i have no idea how to meet new people organically anymore. I'm unfortunately an introvert and hate crowds and large events by myself so just kinda feel like things are slipping even more.

Is this just a " get fucked, be miserable, time will hopefully make this bearable" or are there things I can do to actually try to enjoy life again?

Recommendations would be appreciated.

Just need time get this out of my head.

I am divorced and single.... for the first time since high-school I am alone. For the first time in 11 and a half years I am lonely. I need to accept that as a fact. I am now divorced and I am now single. I need to become ok with those two labels in my life. I am REALLY not ok with those two labels.

I for some reason have no issue with other people being divorced but I feel like its some massive sign above my head that everyone around me sees and is either talking behind my back in pity, or will never want to associate with me like i have some kind of contagious disease. I know thats not true but the fact is that no mater how much I heal and no mater how much I put into myself there will be people who will turn down a relationship with me just because of me being divorced. However, there will be people who will turn down a relationship with me because I'm not 6' tall, because I have long hair, because I refuse to cut off friends, because I don't make " enough money", or a million other reasons. It hurts me and I'm stressed because its a wound and a label that were not there before. But that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people out there who could eventually choose to love me when I'm ready to date again. I just really fucking wish my emotions and especially my self hatred and anxiety would figure that out.

I am going through the worst 6 months of my life and feel extremely paralyzed by everything that is happening. It will get better, and I will feel able to find time to become the person I want to be. I did not choose this, and like a bullet wound, I could die and almost have, but i have the choice not to go down that path. I am looking at a long road to recovery which scares the shit out of me. because there will always be scars, and things won't quite work the same. But that doesn't mean it won't get better..... im just in so much pain now that being told you have to endure this for an indeterminate amount of time scares the shit out of me.

I think tho that the pain has shifted. The betrayal and hatred and anger towards my ex wife are still there. But I think now its mostly towards my future and myself. Hatred that I let her use me, anger at losing my stability, the realization that my identity was being married to her and I do not like being single. That i do not know how to meet people and make new friends at 28. That I only have 4 ( soon to be 2 ) local friends... that i do not like working on myself for myself by myself. That im worried that I will slip into or already am in a " All women are awful people and i will never trust anyone ever again" mindset when i logically know its not true.

Im scared because I don't know what to do or what I'm doing. I assumed when I was younger that adults had it all together and as ive grown older its clear that everyone is just figuring shit out and hoping that it works out. And that scares the shit out of me. I have always needed a plan or at least a foundation to feel comfortable and right now im in free fall and waiting to hit the bottom.

Once I hit, its going to suck. I made a lot of progress in my 20s and thats prety much all gone now and this economy really, really wants you to be a 2 person household to make progress. So im going to have a LONG way to go. But I will have a new foundation to build from and I will figure it out. I just can't see it yet and im hurting, and im scared.

I will be able to love someone again, even if I have trust issues after this.

I will be able to be happy with myself, by myself, and for myself.

I want to be someone who is successful and fun and interesting to be around and no one is going to make that happen for me.

I will come back from this even if I'm scared of how long its going to take.

Thanks for letting me rant.

I had 3 good weeks. 3 weeks where I wasn't suicidal where j wasn't overwhelmed with stress, I finished the house. I had offers on in under 24 hours. I fought tooth and nail and god a good enough settlement. And signed documents. i woke up yesterday to find that my divorce had been finalized. Yesterday was potentaly the lowest day I've mentally had since when I found out she cheated on me and maybe the day she told me she wasn't going to stop and she had filed papers for divorce.

I got drunk last night. Its the first time I have EVER purposely gotten drunk before. I ended up loosing my shit for 3 hours last and had to have friends talk me down from being suicidal again. I'm really glad I got rid of my gun. I really thought i was doing better. But yesterday was so fucking bad and today is only marginal better so far because I had to work. I'm worried I'm going to get drunk again. It didn't help but I desperately wanted to do something that I had never done before that I could control even if it was bad for me.

God i don't know why my friends like being around me. They tell me I'm a good guy but I'm not as funny as them, I'm not as interesting as them, I'm not as good looking as them. Even my ex wife's friend told me they don't consider themselves friends anymore. And that they that stuggle to be around them niw. That made me so sad. Even after all the shit she put me though I hoped she would still have friends. Why do I still fucking care for her? Why do I hate her and hope bad things happen to her if I care for her? Why do I never want to see her fucking face again and want to curse her but I just want to have her hug me again.

A few weeks ago I almost killed myself just so she would be hurt and have to cary that for the rest of her life. The only reason I'm still here is because I refuse to hurt anyone else anround me. I feel like a fucking awful person now. I never got anygry before this and now i hate her and hope bad things happen to here. She was my best friend of 11 years. We started dating in high school. I've never had to just be me. And I dont know what im doing or why im still here. Im just really not ok....

Edit: thanks everyone for the comments. Logicly I know i will be ok. I know i will get to a spot where I will be happy with myself and where I'm not feeling crushed by everything. I will probably get into a healthy relationship at somepoint too. It might be years out but ill get there. The weight of my emotions is just getting the better of me right now and making it really damn hard to look ahead. I have goals in mind. I have a business I want to grow and trips I want to take. If I don't end up being a dad, I'm hoping I can at least be the cool uncle if my sister and brother in-law decide to have kids. I know i need therapy and im working on getting myself to a place where I can afford it.

Divorce should be finalized this week. I'm "only" 28M, no kids, i have an offer on the house pending, and I managed to fight tooth and nail to get my "half" of things. So why do I feel like im emotionaly regressing back to when this all started?

When i found out she cheated on me, she blamed me for it. Then kept cheating on me and even openly called her affair partner on the phone. I really really thought about killing myself but kept going because she told me if I fixed things we could work things out. Then when she told me she wanted to get divorced because she couldn't loose her affair partner I almost did again. Ended up holding on out of spite. Fuck her, she won't get my half of shit. She moved out a month ago and ive busted my ass to get the house ready to sell and I thought I was doing better. My emotions were pretty quiet, I didnt have any major meltdowns, I really didnt have any major problems.

Now, I've negotiated and signed the finalized asset devision, have a pending offer on the house, am preparing to move back to live with my parents for a few month, and should be more "free". Friday night i had my first meltdown in 3 weeks. Saturday I cried without feeling anything for almost 2 hours, monday I had another meltdown and started feeling suicidal and angry again, and today after work I really thought about what ways I could ruin her life, what i could do, even to my own detriment that would fuck her up, im so fucking angry again and im so fucking depressed and I want revenge, and I want it all to stop. I hate this. Logically I know i have plenty of time to rebuild and logically I know ill eventually get over her, and logically i know anything i break or do will only hurt me. So why do I feel this? Why was I ok for 3 weeks? Why do I have to fix myself? Why do I have to live with this pain? Why do I have to restart my life? I feel like im tainted fucking goods and she gets to live her perfect new life working her new high paying job, living in her new apartment, living in the SAME FUCKING TOWN as her affair partner. Why does she get to ride high and live the good life while i have to heal, avoid relationships until im "ok", spend years of my life trying to get back to where I was. Why do I have to hurt so much for her shitty fucking choices? Every day this past week has gotten worse than the last and I dont know what to do cause I thought I was doing better.

Edit: just woke up to finding out the courts finalized my divorse yesterday.... Fuck my life. I love waking up and crying.

Also I really want to go to therapy but I currently don't have Insurance... i know I need to get some but unfortunately I can't afford it until the house is off my plate. So FML again. Jist another thing she fucked me over on by leaving her job

I didn't ask for any of this. I tried so hard to make things work out even after she cheated on me. I fucking meant my vows when I said them and I really really thought we could figure out anything.

I just forced myself to sign the divorce papers. I've been putting it off all day and trying to find excuses not to. Listed my house yesterday and already have an offer. I don't want to accept it because I don't want to let go of my home. The house is so fucking lonely. I'm so fucking lonely. I dont want to do this. What did I do to deserve this shit. Everyone I talk to says I'm a great guy and that I didnt deserve her cheating on me and leaving me for someone else. I want to have something to fix, but i don't know what i did and she wouldn't even tell me. I NEED TO FIX SOMETHING. THERE HAS TO BE A REASON. Im so lonely and i just want to hugged again. Ive been trying so hard to keep myself together and busy. But now its just finalizing. And i dont want to do this.

Why am I so attached to a shitty person? I loved her so fucking much. People say there are plenty of other people out there. But I legitimately dont know how to meet people my age or date or flirt or aperantly be enough for somone else. She isnt coming back and I don't want her too so why does it hurt so much?

Basically the title. I know I've posted before with everything that happened. TLDR; married for 5 years, together for 11. She emotionaly cheated on me with a long distance friend, blamed me, told me she didn't want to upset me, therapist told her to stop contacting the guy so we could work on our relationship, then she told me we were getting a divorce and she moved 1500 miles away to the same state as her AP.

Its just been hard and its been almost 2 months and we are almost done with the divorce settlement papers. But she is being difficult. And its making me more angry. She ruined the life I had busted my ass towards, she ruined the relationship, she took one of my pets away to live with her, I litterly haven't heard from my inlaws. And she did it all without saying goodbye. I'm just angry and anxious all of the time now. And people say " you need to forgive her for yourself" and " being angry only hurts you" and " it gets better with time". So how do you actually forgive your best friend of 11 years who stabbed you in the back, who i had to live with for 2 months of her talking to her AP while she made plans to move out, who is making me sell the house, who is making me move back in with my parents, who is trying to Weasle her way out of paying her half of a mortgage loan she agreed too.

I don't want to be angry, I want to be able to take this as an opportunity to heal and become a better person. But I genuinely dont know how to come to place where I can forgive her for ruining everything we had built and for how she left things.

In the middle of the divorce. She 27F left me 28M after our therapist told her if she planed to fix the relationship she had to cut off her AP.

She moved 1500 miles away to the same city as the guy she cheated on me with about 4 weeks ago. I wanted so badly to try to fix things between us. 11 years together 5 married ( "anniversary" just passed 2 weeks ago). She wouldn't even give me a direct reason why she wouldn't fix things with me. Just excuses: " I'm to tired", " i don't have the emotional energy to fix things", " I feel trapped in our relationship", " its not about the other guy". " I can't be myself"... i poured everything into this relationship and I don't know how to cope with the fact that she didn't care at all and how easily she threw me away after 11years together.

I'm so lonely now and every day is just me having to dismantle more and more of my life. Packing up and fixing the house to sell feels like hell. I haven't slept well in 3 months. I'm barely functioning at work anymore. I don't have any energy to even talk to my friends. I feel like my whole reason for existing is just gone and my body is shutting down. I'm trying really really hard to stay positive and try to find things to look forward too. But its so fucking hard. Especially when almost every day someone reminds me by asking about her since they don't know yet, or her attorney messages me, or i get mail for her, or I find something she left when im packing and cleaning.

Im trying really really hard to avoid suicidal thoughts. But pretty much every single evening they pop up. And no one around me understands how bad it is, and how conflicting my emotions are.

I'm so fucking lonely but can't stand the idea of being in a relationship again. I'm so incredibly angry at her for leaving me but I'm so relieved I never have to see her again after what she did. I like the freedom to restart but I'm terrified of the fact that I'm losing my house, and losing the fututre I had planed over the past 11 years. Some days I feel super confident about myself, others i look in the mirror and am sure no one will ever want to be with me. I flip from being entirely numb, to looking forward to the future, to seething anger, to suicidal depression in the course of like 30min.

I'm 4 months out from finding out about her cheating on me, coming up on 2 months from her telling me we are getting divorced, and almost a full month since she moved out and some day feel ok and I barely think about it, then ill remember something and absolutely spiral.

I don't have insurance anymore since that was tired to her job. I'm in the middle of ramping up my own business and am not making enough money right now to pay for insurance. My therapist was her therapist and now i can't even afford to talk to one let alone any medication that would help. And to top off the shit list of my life im going to have to move back in with my parents to try to restart my life. I know thats not technically a bad thing but it feels humiliating and I know they are going to be over bearing and i won't have any real privacy anymore. At least not like im used to in having my own house. It feels like im regressing in life back to being in high-school and those were some of the worst years of my life until all of this happened.

Just not sure what to do and having a bad day

I 28M found out that my ex? ( still not sure what to call her) 27F cheated on me and she left me for the other guy3 weeks ago. I hate how I look, I hate my fucking voice, I hate my stupid fucking messed up leg, I hate everything about myself. I always considered myself lucky that she fell in love with me. I need someone to explain how her leaving our life of 11 years, my family, our pets, our friends, over some other guy ( who she never even met in person btw ) is not just all signs pointing to me being too fundamentaly fucked up for anyone to ever love. I feel like I'm going to die alone and if thats the case maybe I should just get it over with.

I know its really fucking late and thats not helping my headspace. I'm going to go take some sleep meds and hopefully pass out.

I 28M found out that my ex? ( still not sure what to call her) 27F cheated on me and she left me for the other guy. I hate how I look, I hate my fucking voice, I hate my stupid fucking messed up leg, I hate everything about myself. I always considered myself lucky that she fell in love with me. I need someone to explain how her leaving our life of 11 years, my family, our pets, our friends, over some other guy ( who she never even met in person btw ) is not just all signs pointing to me being too fundamentaly fucked up for anyone to ever love. I feel like I'm going to die alone and if thats the case maybe I should just get it over with.

I know its really fucking late and thats not helping my headspace. I'm going to go take some sleep meds and hopefully pass out.

Going though it today. She moved out almost 2 weeks ago. Working on devision of assets. I'm working on selling the house... we almost made to 5 years of marriage... we were so close untill she ruined it by cheating on me and deciding the other guy was better. almost all of my friends are married, in relationships or have long term careers. Meanwhile I'm 28. Had all of that and now I have nothing. I was supposed to have retirement funds, a home, pay off my car... we were supposed to talk about kids after our 5 year anniversary....I was really looking forward to the opportunity to potentaly be a dad.... now idk if ill ever have that chance because I don't know if ill ever be able to trust someone enough after what she put me though.

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I appreciate everyone saying: " your only 28!", " go to the gym!", " life will get better", "your so young". But where am I supposed to find the energy to do anything. All of my life goals are just gone. I'm so tired ALL of the time now. I barely make it though a work day without falling asleep. I have so much I have to do to sell my house. Trying to deal with attorney's. Trying to handle my new financial situation. Having to legaly unwravel 5 years of progress and plans and dreams that i had staked everything on. What's the point of doing anything or planning anything ever again if I'm just going to get fucked over again. I feel humiliated that I have to live with my parents again like a teenager.

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I had so much I was looking forward too. I was supposed to be on vacation right now to celebrate 5 years of marriage. Instead I'm exhausted but can't sleep, extremely depressed and sad, have no energy, and nothing in life to be excited for. I know people will say " be glad you didnt have kids" but she look that dream away from me. I hate the idea that I have to start over again. Its going to take years to recover mentally and financially and that feels like an insurmountable task. Thats not even mentioning how lonely I feel and how i have no idea how to fill that. Because all I want is to be happy with someone and have them happy with me like we used to be. But I don't know if ill ever be able to have that again, meanwhile she is off somewhere probably fucking her new boyfriend on our anniversary...

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How did you all deal with this? How do I find energy to do anything? How do I look forward? How do I not get crushed by this? How do i get over this crippling feeling of being a failure and feeling like im not enough and that ill never be enough for someone. I miss how happy and hopeful i was 3 months ago. I haven't felt like that in a while now.

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Going though it today. She moved out almost 2 weeks ago. Working on devision of assets. I'm working on selling the house... we almost made to 5 years... we were so close untill she ruined it by cheating on me and deciding the other guy was better. almost all of my friends are married, in relationships or have long term careers. Meanwhile I'm 28. Had all of that and now I have nothing. I was supposed to have retirement funds, a home, pay off my car... we were supposed to talk about kids after our 5 year anniversary....I was really looking forward to the opportunity to potentaly be a dad.... now idk if ill ever have that chance because I don't know if ill ever be able to trust someone enough after what she put me though.

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I appreciate everyone saying: " your only 28!", " go to the gym!", " life will get better", "your so young". But where am I supposed to find the energy to do anything. All of my life goals are just gone. I'm so tired ALL of the time now. I barely make it though a work day without falling asleep. I have so much I have to do to sell my house. Trying to deal with attorney's. Trying to handle my new financial situation. Having to legaly unwravel 5 years of progress and plans and dreams that i had staked everything on. What's the point of doing anything or planning anything ever again if I'm just going to get fucked over again. I feel humiliated that I have to live with my parents again like a teenager.

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I had so much I was looking forward too. I was supposed to be on vacation right now to celebrate 5 years of marriage. Instead I'm exhausted but can't sleep, extremely depressed and sad, have no energy, and nothing in life to be excited for. I know people will say " be glad you didnt have kids" but she look that dream away from me. I hate the idea that I have to start over again. Its going to take years to recover mentally and financially and that feels like an insurmountable task. Thats not even mentioning how lonely I feel and how i have no idea how to fill that. Because all I want is to be happy with someone and have them happy with me like we used to be. But I don't know if ill ever be able to have that again, meanwhile she is off somewhere probably fucking her new boyfriend on our anniversary...

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How did you all deal with this? How do I find energy to do anything? How do I look forward? How do I not get crushed by this? How do i get over this crippling feeling of being a faluire and feeling like im not enough and that ill never be enough for someone. I miss how happy and hopeful i was 3 months ago. I haven't felt like that in a while now.

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Im going to take some sleeping meds and hope they help and not make it worse.

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13 years of friendship, 11 years of a relationship, 5 years of marriage. And she wouldn't even look at me when I said goodbye to her for the last time.

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She (27F) cheated on me(28M), gaslight me, lied to me, refused to communicate, then blamed me, turned it all around on me. The moment I called her out on her infidelity it became " if you want to save this relationship YOU need to fix it". So i did. I tried to push past the fact she was still talking to her AP. I tried to push past the anger and frustration and loneliness. And I fixed every single thing she asked me to.

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Then she said. " to late". Told me she felt that she was trapped and the relationship was the trap. Me fixing things was making her feel more trapped. That she " couldn't loose her AP because he meant too much to her." ( she had never even met him in person yet) That even though I fixed everything and was never abusive and that she still loved me, That if I loved her I would let her leave. That me trying to convince her to stay and work things out was " manipulative". And that she "made an adult decision and that I need to accept that".

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Then she abandoned me with all of the inconveniences, all of the trash, all of the housework, selling the house, all of the junk she didn't want. She left her job so I don't have insurance anymore, she made me be the one who had to tell all of our friends and all of my family.

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Then she got mad at me for " turning our friends against her" but it was, and I quote, "in the budget". That no one had asked to help her and she was doing this on her own. That i should be helping her leave, helping her pack. She got angry that my parents ( who she refused to talk to or see) had been occasionally texting her to let her know they loved her and wanted to see her.

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Then when she did leave, I hoped we could end it on a high note. I told her how much she meant to me, how she had been the best thing to happen to me, that I loved our last 11 years together, that I still didn't understand why she chose to abandon our marriage, and our life together. But that I hope she found the happiness she was looking for. ( it fucking broke me to be nice to her )

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I really hoped she would say litteraly anything to me to give me some closure. But she just got in her car and drove 1500 miles away to start her new life.

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I think that not understanding is the worst part of this for me. We got along great, had the 2 story house, 3 pets, both had jobs we liked, had some money in the bank, had a vacation planed for our 5 year anniversary ( this week ). And suddenly it just went away. And i don't understand why, and I don't know why she wouldn't even try to work though things. She said she "didn't have the energy". And when i asked her why she didnt talk to me about things sooner she said " because I dint want to upset you".

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I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Because if I had been the problem at least now I could work on that and try to be a better person but she told me it wasn't me. That she just felt "trapped". And I don't know how to fix that... and I'm scared that there is something about me that is just unlovable or so broken that she decided I wasn't worth loving anymore. I know i have a fucked up leg, I know i have issues, I know I'm not an amazing looking guy, I know that i dont make an incredible amount of money, that I've had a lot of bad luck with jobs. That I've been more depressed recently due to the death of a friend and my grandfather. I know the last 6 months have been rougher. Am I stupid? Isn't that life? We said " for better and for Worse" when we're took our vows. Life gets hard and we were supposed to be there for eachother.

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I just wish she had loved me like I had loved her. I wish i could take the blame for this so I could fix myself. I hate that she said there wasn't anything I could fix that would have changed her mind. I can't fix her cheating on me. I Cant fix her " not having the energy". I can't fix " i can't loose my AP".

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I just want closure on an 11 year relationship and what happened that caused the person I had vowed to spend the rest of my life with to not even talk to me or look me in the eyes when I said goodbye. She never even apologized to me.

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Now I feel like there has to be something wrong with me. That I'm just unlovable if she chose someone she had never even met over me. That i wasn't even worth apologizing too. That the past 11 years together didn't even warrant a goodbye.... they were the best years of my life, and it feels like they, and I were worth nothing to her.

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This is just me not wanting to accept my reality. I know that.

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I kinda hate this house. Its old, has issues, we over paid for it when we bought it. The layout is stupid and the bathrooms are small. Carpet and flooring should be replaced and furnace is about due for a update.

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I can't afford it on my own especially with the job I currently have. And it will be better for me to sell it, use the money to restart my life.

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But fuck i don't want to leave the area I'm in. Its a really really nice part of town. Everything just 5miles away, growing community. Nice landscaping everywhere, streets are clean, small cool grass strip airport right next to the neighborhood. A brand new really nice Kroger just opened up today... i went grocery shopping and it was really hard on me. Hit me really really hard about how I need to move and cant afford to live here anymore. I dont know if ill ever have the opportunity to live here again. I hope so, just hit me a truck and I needed to rant.

I (28M) am in the middle of a divorce. She (27F) cheated on me, blamed it on me, threw everything she had ever been upset with in my face, and threatened me with divorce... I busted my ass to fix everything she brought up. She even admitted in therapy that I had fixed everything. Hell, we had been having weekly check ins to make sure we were both happy with our relationship. She told me " I didn't tell you i was unhappy becuase i didn't want to upset you". I did everything she asked. I did my best to ignore the fact she was still talking to her AP. I believed she would come around and fix her side of things and we could work through this as a couple and grow.

Then as soon as our therapist told her she needed to cut out her AP to fix things, " I can't loose him", "this relationship is a trap", " I don't want to be with you anymore", " you trying to fix things is making me want to leave even more", " you trying to convince me to stay is manipulation and if you loved me you would just let me do this."

She filed for divorce a week later... I got served papers.... I had to live with her 1 room over talking to her AP every night for 2 months while she packed up half of our life. The house became claustrophobic to be in. I would have anxiety attacks just walking up the stairs to the bedroom because of the boxes and the smell.

She moved out yesterday. I had to help her crate my the cat becuase she didn't want to get into the carrier..... my (ex?) Wife didn't even say goodbye. I had to ask her and her dad ( who i really respected before all of this) to let me say goodbye. It was so incredibly hard but I thanked them for the last 11 years of my life and for bringing me into their family. I wished her well and I told her I hope she finds happiness down in texas. I asked her to please take care of our cat becuase she is a good girl. My wife just got into the car and left. Didn't say anything to me. Wouldn't even look at me.

The house is so lonely now. Its so empty. I hate being here but I don't want to be anywhere else. I've never been alone before. And I still have to sell the house and move back in with my parents. All of my accomplishments are gone or going away; my marriage, my cat, my best friend of 11 years ( my wife), all of my financial goals, my home...

My emotional state is in shambles. My throat hurts from almost crying all of the time. My eyes hurt from either anger or from crying. All of my muscles hurt. My best friend of 11 years fucking betrayed me and left me without saying word.... and i don't know to cope with that.... I'm so scared of letting anyone get close to me anymore. I don't see how this gets better. Or how I recover from this. My boss has let me time a lot of time off work thankfully but I don't have any motivation anymore. I'm a miserable person to be around and I'm worried I'm going to push my firends away.

My friends have all told me I'm a good person and that i didn't deserve this. But if I am a good person then why do I have to hurt so much now? Why wasn't I good enough for her? She was the best thing that has ever happened to me. And now she is also the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And as much as I hate her as she currently is. I really really really miss the person I fell in love with. I just want my best friend back and I know thats never going to happen because she isn't that person anymore.

I hate being in this lonely fucking house. I don't know how to be ok alone. I don't know how to heal. I don't know how to care for myself. All of my local friends are in long term relationships and I just feel like the 3rd or 5th wheel now. Everything I have ever been proud of is just gone now. And even though im lonely I cant let myself get back into a relationship. I dont think I can trust someone like that again. It wouldn't be healthy for me either l. And it wouldn't be fair to another person.

I dont want to sell my house cause besides my other cat it feels like the one thing I have left. But since she ran down to texas its now my job to fix it up and sell it. Im so tired of losing things that are important to me

I mentioned in my last post that my wife was leaving on tuesday. Well, that was today.

At 3:30Am this morning she packed up our cat... and i said goodbye to my best friend of 11years and my father inlaw. My parents were there with me. I nearly threw up from anxiety. She wouldn't even look at them or me. I wanted her to rember me as the kind, happy, person I was before all of this and I really tired to keep myself together. Not sure I how well I actually pulled that off. I'm so sad but I don't feel it. Like its there and I'm crying but I can't reach the pain. I said my goodbyes and thanked her for 11 years of memories. I thanked my father inlaw for inviting me into his family. I did tell him I wish he had reached out to me at all during any of this. Neither Katie nor her dad said anything to me... just got in the car and left.

The house is so empty.... I just want to die. I don't want to live with this emptiness inside me and around me. I think the only thing keeping me around is my 2 cats i got to keep and knowing how sad it would make my parents and sister. I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything or eat or sleep. My whole body hurts. I'm litteraly shaking right now and I'm not sure why. Going to call one of my close friends later and try to talk about it. He said he was working from home so call him anytime.

Why do my friends care about me more than she did? Why do so many people want me to live? I wish I could just end it all. What is the point of life anymore? I don't have a single thing to look forward to right now. No reason to want to grow. I wanted to travel, I wanted to experience new things. What's the point if I have no one to share it with?

When I was really young my sister and I used to watch cartoons together on Saturday morning 6:30am. At some point she started sleeping in. Every time I would watch something and something funny would happen I would turn to see her reaction. I wanted to laugh with her and it hurt when there wasn't anyone to laugh with. I would catch myself for years later turning to see her reaction even though she wasn't there anymore.

This feels so much worse. Its everything. I wake up and expect to see her, I make breakfast for 2. I think; "maybe I should see if she wants to get donuts this weekend, " I need to save some hot water for her shower", " I hope she had a good day at work", "Katie would love this necklace", " Katie would have liked eating this food".

Its constant and it hurts. How do I make it go away? Why does everything remind me of her and why do I keep thinking about things like she is still here. Like she didn't cheat on me, like she didn't leave me for Chris, like she didn't choose him over our 11 years together.

The house was so claustrophobic when she was here. I felt like I couldn't do anything without anxiety. There were moving boxes everywhere. And now all the stuff she wanted is gone along with her and its so much worse. There is so much stuff she just left for me to throw away or donate. Jars, lids, a pantry full of food, shitty furniture she promised me she would get rid of. I have so much I have to do to sell the house. So much to clean, so much to pack, I still have 2 bathrooms to finish "flipping". The movers fucking trashed the floors and when I came home yesterday I saw half of the life I built with her just gone and the house trashed. She took the vacuum so I had to ask my parents to borrow one of theirs. Just a final fuck you to me I guess.

Everything is so overwhelming. My parents love me but its not the same. I'm so so so lonely. All I want is to be held again, have my hair played with again. Have someone who chose to love me tell me its going to be ok. I don't know how to cope. Its so overwhelming, so lonely, so empty. I don't love myself, I don't know how. I've been trying to enjoy doing things by myself but It just hurts more.

Oh and I just found out 2 of my closets friends are moving out of state in a month. I'm really really happy for them. But now I won't have people near me.

Why didn't I deserve the same kind of love i gave? Why wasn't I enough for her? Why can't I be happy? Why is it that when ever i finally feel like life is moving forward i get fucked over? I was finally, finally happy with where my life had gotten. After 6 years of turmoil and lossing jobs and unemployment and unfortunately timed financial decisions. Things were finanly stabilizing.

I just wanted to be enough for someone. And to feel like I've accomplished litteraly anything with my life so far. And now all of my accomplishments are going away, all of my financial goals, my house, my marriage, my pets. Most of my close friends have or are moving away. I just am so overwhelmed and dont know what to do and why I should keep going.

First of all, thank you all for your comments on my last post. It helped me to see how others are dealing and have dealt with this in the past. It helped me calm down a bit over the last 2 days. Well, until this evening at least. Just need advice. Maybe a lot of it. I feel like I'm in hell and I see my way out.

2 months of her talking to AP in open view. 2 months of her telling me I'm the problem and me doing everything to fix the issues she brought up. Getting validation from her that I fixed the issues the brought up to me then her telling me she doesn't care enough and that she can't loose her affair partner. She feels like our marriage is a "trap" and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Her telling me that " me trying to save things" is what is pushing her away. Her telling me that she "doesnt owe my parents shit" when I asked her to at least talk to my parents as they love her a lot and want to see her. I know some of you will see me as weak for not cutting her out. And maybe you are right. I just feel like i failed and I really wanted to fix things.

Was served divorce papers 3 weeks ago and feel like I've died inside. She still lives in our house but has been packing things to leave. Movers come out monday and as i was writing this found out she is leaving tuesday.... 5 days ealier than what she originally said. the last time i will see the person I have loved for over a decade is 4 days away. My emotions are all over the place right now. I posted earlier about my anger and rage and I don't know how I'm going to do this. Had a mental breakdown 2 days ago and I thought I was recovering from that incident but now I am feeling another anxiety and panic attack coming on.

I have no idea how to live by myself. I've been with her since I was in high school. I tied all of my self worth to her happiness due to several jobs I've lost, lots of body image and confidence issues that having her in my life made me forget. In a way, her being gone will be much better. But I'm not ready... I've been a little suicidal the past 3 months and its been way worse this week. I think her leaving on tuesday is going to break me in a way I am not ready for. I don't think I'm capable of killing myself. I know a lot of people care for me and are there for me and I can't make them sad by doing it. And a lot of you have said that it gets better. I just don't see it yet, and every day feels like its getting worse.

How do I heal from this? How do I deal with the fact that i grew up and am surrounded by a very conservative Christian group of people who see divorse as a personal failure regardless of who is at fault. How do I tell my coworkers who loved my wife who are all getting married left and right that I'm getting divorced. How do i ever become ok with loosing the one person I have ever met in my 28years alive that I loved so much that I was willing to do and work though anything for her. How do i fix myself? How do I become ok with losing my house i worked so hard for, my pet that I loved so much, my best friend who i told everything too, my self worth which was all that has been holding me together. I'm broken and still breaking and all of the pieces are falling though my fingers and I don't know how to put them back together.

I'm so FUCKING angry. I've never been angry like this. I never let myself get angry because I never wanted to do something or say something I would regret. And here I am. I hate the person I have become. I'm angry all the fucking time now. And when I'm not angry, I'm crying my fucking eyes out.

SHE IS ONE FUCKING ROOM OVER. smiling and laughing and flirting with her afair partner. FUCK HER. FUCK CHRIS. I'm so fucking close to trying to break the fucking laptop that I BOUGHT HER. maybe then she could feel as alone as I do. cut off from her AP and her remaining friends. SHE IS EATING FOOD I FUCKING MADE. I'm trying to fucking hard to be amicable and not do or say anything stupid. I WILL NOT ruin my life for this bitch. 11 FUCKING years wasted on her. 11 FUCKING YEARS I loved her, supported her, forgave her, compromised for her. I never even raised my voice at her. I did everything I could to make her happy and comfortable. All to be told, " I can't lose him. I don't have the energy to fix things with you." when out couples therapist told her she needed to cut out the AP from her life to fix things,

I don't know how to deal with this. holding it in feels like I'm killing myself. SHE IS RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE, and she can fucking LAUGH with her afair partner. MY fucking jaw hurts from how much I have been clenching my teeth.

I'm not going to do anything, and I'm not going to say anything. She leaves in a week to move down to Texas for her oh so perfect life. her new fucking job, her new fucking boyfriend. while I have to sell the house, move back in with my parents, lose one of my cats, lose my best friend, lose my wife, lose my finacial freedom, lose my FUCKING 20s to this fucking bitch. FUCK HER. WHY DO I FUCKING STILL CARE FOR HER. IM SO FUCKING LONELY

I just need people to talk me down. I know I'm angry. I know it's not healthy. But if she started to talk to me right now, I would say things that I shouldn't say. I really want her to regret leaving me for the rest of her life, and I hope she hates her new life. I want the best for her, but I want this to fucking haunt her. And I know the best way to do that is not to show her how angry I am and make sure she remembers me being kind, but FUCK

Update / edit:

Thanks everyone for the advice. Went for a long walk and had a panic attack on a park bench at 11pm. Took about an hr to calm down enough to feel ok to be back home. Didn't sleep well and feel like shit today but at least I feel like I can function today.