u/Rosenworcel

I (31M) have been dating her (27F) for two months. We have good chemistry and I enjoy spending time with her but I'm realizing long term compatibility isn't quite there. I've been single/celibate for years while in therapy and now enjoy a relatively slow, peaceful life. She clearly has unhealed trauma and unresolved family issues of her own and is more of a work hard, play hard personality. Not to mention different views on children that would be an issue down the line.

A month in we became officially exclusive, but she put more weight into that than I anticipated. I've just never talked to multiple women at once let alone go on dates/sleep with them; it feels gross and I don't like juggling conversations. She was a serial monogamist and said she's been single for two years, but I've come to learn she was unsuccessfully dating/hooking up during that period. I had to set some boundaries a couple weeks ago and she started crying saying she really sees a future with me. I almost broke things this off weekend but someone close to her passed away and the timing would have been horrible. We went out instead and it was a fun time but it made me realize I like her as a friend but she's not wifey.

I just have no idea how to bring up that conversation. Partly out of pity because she's had a rough few months and is in a transition period with school/work/apartment and I don't want to add to the shit weighing her down. But also, selfishly, I am lonely and her company and the intimacy feels really nice. I'm hesitant to break things off without some decisive reason while we're both still enjoying ourselves, but I also know it's wrong to lead her on and will only get harder the longer this goes on.

I'm 31M she's 27F, we've only been dating for 2 months. The first time we made out (2nd date) she pulled me on top of her to initiate sex, I stopped things and told her that as a kid I was routinely molested and we should wait because sex can be triggering. She then admitted she was assaulted in high school and gets panic attacks during sex. She wasn't going to tell me if I hadn't made us slow down "I guess this is something I should probably tell new partners..." 1/3 of the time we had sex she would seize up without warning and start crying/thrashing about for around a minute. She insists that after they happen the best thing is to start up again "once she gets it out of her system." On different occasions she's specifically requested I choke her, slap/smack her, and be more dominant by telling/demanding she do things in bed. I picked up on the fact penetration is a real trigger, so I've tried satisfying her in ways were I wasn't on top of her, to which she responded "what, are you going to make me beg for it?"

Recently she had a bad episode where she punched and kicked at me for minutes in my own bed. This experience was lowkey traumatic for me. I felt like a predator in my own house. I can't handle that stress, especially due to my own past. We had a talk over the weekend where I said we can't have sex anymore. Her response was "yeah we can start from square one, like a three week break while we work back up to it" but I don't think I can have sex with her ever again, I don't feel safe being intimate like that anymore. She admitted that I've taken steps to make everyone comfortable while she really hasn't done anything to mitigate these panics attacks or communicate when she feels she's at risk.

By the end of the conversation I flat said "I'm not ready to let go but I don't know what this means long term." Because while I do like her, her trauma is so complicated that it's overshadowing everything else in the relationship. She cried as I held her for while and somehow got to talking about her dad who she's only over talked about in a positive light. The truth is he was an angry abusive alcoholic who has "gotten better" after she got out of the house. She continued by saying her older ftm brother has some pretty serious accusations of being violated by the dad as early as 3 years old. I'm upset that she told me this story.

For one, she lied to me earlier about him being a "great dad." Understandable she wasn't going to broadcast this story but she actively mischaracterized him in the past.

Two, this abuse hits too close to home and is triggering to hear about. I never asked about her dad or her brother and she just lays this in my lap while I'm already working through the emotions of enabling her panic attacks.

Three, the timing. I spent the evening trying to set a boundary and in hindsight the way she brought it up feels really weird. We weren't on the subject and I feel like she said it to manipulate me into not letting her go. Like she's trying to say look how shitty my life is, you're the only good thing I have, please don't leave. She tried to make out more and started kissing on my neck after telling this story. I had to ask her to stop and things got really awkward when I asked her not to sleep over that night and she just... didn't get off the couch for a while.

When she send the "got home safe" text that night she called me babe for the first time ever which also feels manipulative. She invited me to a midweek hang with her friends and I don't even know how to respond. I'm reliving our conversation over and over and she's trying to keep status quo. The whole thing feels gross at this point. This is not the relationship I want.

AITAH for feeling upset about how/when she told this story? Am I justified in feeling manipulated or are these my own problems I need to work through? How do I break things off without being cruel?

I (31m) have been dating my GF (27f) for just over a month. I'm a bit of a homebody, an extroverted introvert, and generally I like slow living. I still enjoy going out but I'm casually getting sober. I only drink a few times a month and I gave up nicotine in the new year. I still vape THC regularly but I've been slowing down there too. She painted a similar picture at first but I'm learning that's not totally true.

We did a movie night for our one month where she showed me one of her favorites, Breakfast at Tiffany's; the messaging about "never love a wild thing" stuck with me. Later that week she took me out to meet her friends for a typical Wednesday night. It turns out she's kind of the instigator of the group, making them go to different bars, pulling out cigs, peer pressuring more drinks ect. She insisted I leave my car behind and ride with her, despite her drinking, and I got stuck with them til 2am. She knew I had to work a big event late the following day, but I felt too awkward being the new guy in the group to speak up or order an uber. It was fun but... it really disrupted the rest of my week.

While out her one guy friend made a point to call her an "unreliable narrator." She always said her friend group was wild and wants to close down the bar but in reality she's the one leading the charge. It's sort of removed the blinders and I'm starting to see other examples of half-truths and reasons why we're probably not be a good fit long term. While I'm trying to keep things status quo till I get my head straight I'm scared she's noticed a change in my attitude.

AITAH for losing attraction to my new gf after a bar hop and meeting her friends? Or is this a reasonable reaction given the circumstances?