r/BreakUp

My girlfriend broke left me for a mutual friend about a week ago. This is my first heartbreak. On the way out she said the cruelest things to me and I can’t help but still love her. She’s so wonderful and knew me so well, I never knew I was such a bother. She’s such a magnificent person and she’s taught me how little I matter. I hurt so much, I’m so cold, and I can’t stop sobbing every day. And I can’t exactly break contact yet since I see her every day. I trust her so much and she keeps breaking that trust but every time I get mad at her I just feel sad. No real desire for retribution, I just don’t know what to do.

I want to make this post because I think I might actually be the “evil ex,” and honestly, I don’t feel any better because of it.

To give some context: before the breakup, I had been struggling pretty badly with my mental health and decided to take a paid leave from work. My girlfriend and I had talked about it beforehand, and at the time there didn’t seem to be any issue with it. But once I actually went through with it, she started implying that if I was “too mentally unwell to work,” then maybe I shouldn’t be going to social events or even attending her birthday dinner/party.

Maybe there was some truth to what she was saying, but at the time it really hurt and it started a fight. During the argument, I called her rude. That was the first time I had ever spoken to her like that. There was no screaming match, no huge explosion, just one bad conversation. But the moment I said that, she ended the relationship because she didn’t want to be spoken to that way, which I understand.

Around that same time, I had heard rumors that she had been cheating on me. I also saw messages between her and her ex, though she explained that he had just reached out to her. I honestly still don’t know what the truth was. Maybe she was already looking for an out, maybe not. I can’t say our relationship was perfect, but I do think I was a good boyfriend overall, and none of our problems felt big enough to justify giving up on the relationship entirely.

The truth is, I’ve always hated being alone. After breakups, I cope in unhealthy ways. I distract myself with people I don’t really care about and who probably don’t care about me either, just so I don’t have to sit alone with the pain.

So lately I’ve been constantly busy. Going out, getting in shape, meeting attractive women, surrounding myself with people, trying to keep moving. From the outside, it probably looks like I’m doing great. But at the end of the day, I still miss her, and none of it actually makes me feel better.

Maybe that’s the realization I’m having now.

I think part of me wanted to become the “evil ex” because it felt easier than being the hurt one. I even ended up getting close with her childhood best friend, which I know is wrong. I’m not proud of any of this. I think I’ve been trying to outrun the grief instead of actually facing it.

And honestly, maybe I’m writing this for people going through breakups too. Sometimes your ex looks completely fine on the surface. Sometimes they look like they moved on instantly. But a lot of the time, they’re hurting too. They’re just coping badly, hiding it differently, or distracting themselves.

I don’t think I deserve another chance from her after the way I handled things during the breakup, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still hope she reaches out someday.

One thing this experience has made me realize is that relationships are about more than just love. I don’t know if we were fully “in love,” but we definitely loved each other. The thing that felt missing was commitment. And I think commitment matters just as much as love does.

Love is the feeling. Commitment is choosing to work through the difficult parts instead of leaving the moment things become painful.

Anyway, this post is all over the place, but maybe someone out there relates to it.

My (25M) now ex-boyfriend broke up with me (23F) last night and I'm so heartbroken but also confused. Our relationship had many ups and downs and we tried breaking up many times but he'd never leave me alone and pursued me despite him being yazidi, he wasted 4 years when he knew from the beginning he can't be with me. I can't stop being disappointed and angry, he knew since he was little it's taboo to date someone outside his religion. He should have never approached me in the first place. While he went to visit his family I didn't hear from him for 7 days. But I tried to give him space even though I felt very anxious and bad. Last night I asked if everything is well finally, and he broke up over text.

Here's what he texted:

"My brother argued with me

again and said, "We've told you a thousand times to leave that girl alone and tell her you don't want anything to do with her anymore." He even had pictures of us while we were in the car. I have no idea where he got them. He said he has friends in M...

... There's no other woman in my life, and it's better if we don't see each other anymore. My family is very strict and very religious; they don't allow me to be with a woman who isn't Yazidi. I only have my brother and sister here. Do you want me to lose them too? If you want what's best for me, please leave me alone and don't make a drama like last time.I won't text or call you anymore, and I won't visit you at all. Focus on yourself, not me. I'm not your future, and we don't have a future together. Try to understand me, or I'll lose my family. My brother talked to my mother, father, and everyone else, and they gave me one last chance. Please don't cause me any problems; I want to be alone. I haven't been happy with you lately like I used to be, and I've been stressed all the time. Anyway, this is long; I can't write everything. I wish you all the best." And "I'm losing my family if I continue to have contact with you.You don't know them, they'll kill me, they don't care if I live here or not."

I just kept him company for 4 years and put so much more energy into him than he put into me. He knew he'd always have my back and felt comfortable with me, and made me feel like things will get better. I was just a placeholder, I don't even know why he was with me, if he thinks woman in the west aren't trustworthy and the woman in his culture are so much better. He should have just pursued someone from his religion, I felt like he was ready to get married now that he has more going on for himself...of course not with me. It's just a matter of time until he jumps from this relationship into marriage.

I'm heartbroken, but I know it's for the best. Honestly even if we could have a future, I couldn't do it either, because he didn't treat me all that well, I was always holding on to the good moments. I was always the one forgiving and walking on eggshells, I had to be the perfect girlfriend. I basically carried the relationship by making myself smaller. But I had genuine feelings for him and I'm not sure how to move on, especially since this was my first relationship and we've been very close these last years and he was basically my closest friend too.

I (31M) have been dating her (27F) for two months. We have good chemistry and I enjoy spending time with her but I'm realizing long term compatibility isn't quite there. I've been single/celibate for years while in therapy and now enjoy a relatively slow, peaceful life. She clearly has unhealed trauma and unresolved family issues of her own and is more of a work hard, play hard personality. Not to mention different views on children that would be an issue down the line.

A month in we became officially exclusive, but she put more weight into that than I anticipated. I've just never talked to multiple women at once let alone go on dates/sleep with them; it feels gross and I don't like juggling conversations. She was a serial monogamist and said she's been single for two years, but I've come to learn she was unsuccessfully dating/hooking up during that period. I had to set some boundaries a couple weeks ago and she started crying saying she really sees a future with me. I almost broke things this off weekend but someone close to her passed away and the timing would have been horrible. We went out instead and it was a fun time but it made me realize I like her as a friend but she's not wifey.

I just have no idea how to bring up that conversation. Partly out of pity because she's had a rough few months and is in a transition period with school/work/apartment and I don't want to add to the shit weighing her down. But also, selfishly, I am lonely and her company and the intimacy feels really nice. I'm hesitant to break things off without some decisive reason while we're both still enjoying ourselves, but I also know it's wrong to lead her on and will only get harder the longer this goes on.

I was just wondering if guys ever regret leaving a girl. My ex got shot and he told me that talking to me is a big distraction and that he cannot become who he wants to be if he is constantly texting me , worrying me and thinking about me. He believes that a relationship will hold him back and yeah I understood that and I jist let him go but he wrote me a paragraph sayinv that im the perfect girl and that im pretty and stuff about my personality and I was just wondering if he would ever come back. Also before u flame me about wanting a guy who got shot…..I get it I really do but ill prob be moved on anyways. I know no one knows him and only him can say if he can come back but I just want to know my chances. ( I would move on regardless if hes coming back or not)

Essentially just a rant and I’d like to hear other opinions.

We get together, she mentions if I mind that she’s been with people previously, I say no.
It appears to me that many of the conversations we had were about her previous partners.
Even though she was my girlfriend as said she loved me, it didn’t really feel like she was.
This led to me being quite stressed constantly if she was maybe seeing other people.
She often mentioned she wouldn’t mind me cheating, I said I wouldn’t. She said she wouldn’t either.
One time she discussed polyamory which I said I do not believe in nor would ever want to be in one (she didn’t ask to be in one).
At one point we were out and a man starts flirting with her, I believe this was obvious but she and her mate claim ignorance. He flirted with her and at no point she pushed him away or said she had a boyfriend.
That night I mentioned “I felt you were flirting with him” to which she exclaimed she was not and said the way she acted with him was no different from the way she acts with my friends.
A few nights later we’re out and a girl starts talking to me and complimenting my haircut (the haircut my girlfriend gave me) my girlfriend runs away from this situation.
When I next see her she says I insulted her character by stating I felt she was flirting, and that I have horrible double standards because apparently if she spoke to that girl (the one I was not flirting with) I would’ve lost my mind. She said she deserves better and subsequently dumps me.

I’m quite upset that she saw the worse in me and claimed I was childish because there was quite a lot I did for her. I’m angry because I cannot understand it and I feel like she’s cherry picked everything without actually ever giving a damn about me. The worst part is I think despite all this she was the first girl I loved and now I’m a mess. Obviously there’s two sides to every story but I don’t really know hers, I haven’t spoke to her since she dumped me. What do you guys make of this situation?

My ex left me quiet from March to now..reached out saying hope you're well, came to say hi. I offered a walk, she accepted. We did a nice day, walked, got a treat. She bought for me too which was nice. Hard to say what it means now after all this time. She said she had dated but it fell short after a date or 2.
not sure what to think.
She said when we first broke up maybe I will come back and realize what I lost. She also said I was the first one who really cared about her too.

2 months post breakup. he ended it. together for a year and a half, lived together for the last 6 months. I thought i was doing better because i stopped crying every day and i can talk about it without falling apart.

Then i actually looked at my screen time report.

I check his instagram an average of 11 times a day. i'm not even exaggerating. his profile, his friends' profiles looking for him in the background, the girl he started following 3 weeks ago. i spend actual chunks of my day doing this and then feel sick afterwards every single time.

I also still sleep on "his" side of the bed. i haven't washed the hoodie he left. i replayed our last conversation in my head so many times i can recite it word for word. i've written 4 letters i'll never send. i drive past his apartment on the way to places that are not on the way to his apartment.

I sat with all of that for a while and the thing that got me wasn't the sadness. it was that i FEEL better than i did at week 1, but none of these behaviours have actually changed. i just got used to doing them. i'm not healing. i'm functioning while doing the exact same things.

Then i was reading another breakup thread on here and someone used the word limerence in passing. i looked it up and honestly i wish i hadn't, because it described what i'm doing better than the word "heartbreak" ever did.

The obsessive thoughts. the mood being entirely dependent on whether i think he's thinking about me. building a fantasy version of him that's probably nothing like the actual person. the constant scanning for "signs" that he wants me back. that isn't grief. grief is sad. this is more like a compulsion.

And the part that actually stung. love is caring about someone's wellbeing even if you're not together. what i'm doing is entirely about ME. whether HE misses ME. whether HE regrets it. whether HE's thinking about ME. it's completely self-centred and i genuinely couldn't see that until i made myself look at it straight.

I deleted his instagram today. not blocked, deleted the app entirely because i don't trust myself with it yet. it lasted 6 hours before i redownloaded it but those 6 hours were the first in 2 months where i didn't check.

How do you actually break a pattern like this after a breakup? i know the answer is probably no contact but my brain keeps finding workarounds

Broke up with someone I genuinely thought I would marry. I had already told my parents about her, and now they keep asking when we’re getting engaged. I don’t have the heart to tell them that we broke up because I know the moment I do, they’ll start looking for someone else for me.

The future feels really scary right now. So many “what ifs” constantly running through my head. It’s gotten to the point where I avoid talking to my parents because every conversation somehow turns into marriage.

Life has also started feeling really repetitive and boring lately. I wake up, go to the office, then to the gym after work, come back home, and end up doom-scrolling all night. I’m trying to meet new people and reconnect socially, but honestly it feels exhausting. Between work and everything else, it feels like I barely even have time or energy left to build new connections.

I don’t know if anyone else has gone through something similar, but right now I just feel stuck.

Although I will move on my trust is gone especially after what happened the last time we hung out and the things that he revealed during our breakup which he never really made me aware of when we were dating. I no in time that I will move on from him but I never want to see him again and I never want to hear his voice again!

I (26F) was seeing this guy (26M) for 3 months. Things were super healthy, we never fought, communicated often, hung out 1-2 times per week.

I went over Saturday-Sunday and we had a great time. Multiple rounds of sex, went to a cafe in the morning, took a little nap together. Walked me to my car and told me to text me when I got home like usual.

He replied right away and we chatted a bit but then I didn’t hear from him for hours. Pretty unlike him unless he’s asleep but by 9pm I texted to make sure he was okay since I knew he wanted to run errands. He replied right away saying yes and that he had been busy and didn’t see my text. When I replied he didn’t reply until the next morning. We called and talked for a little while that day after work but texting felt kinda off. I’m an anxious person so I honestly tried not to panic and read into it and give it the benefit of the doubt.

Well yesterday morning (Wednesday) he texted asking if he could come over and talk. I knew right away it was going to be the end.

The breakup lasted an hour and a half and we both cried and cried. He said he likes me a lot, not just as a friend, but usually by this point in a relationship he loves the person and he didn’t see himself getting there. That he didn’t want to waste my time if it’ll never get to that point.

He asked if we could be friends once I got through this, multiple times. And when he was leaving he kept saying “I don’t want to go.” Said maybe if we tried being friends and the feelings develop we could give it another go, but I know I can’t hold on to that hope.

I’m struggling so bad, I miss him so much. I just want to text him and call him even though I know I can’t. I don’t know what to do besides cry it all out.

I think eventually I would like to remain friends because I don’t want to lose him from my life but man I am struggling so bad right now and miss him so much.

Do you all think there’s any chance he’ll change his mind and reach out?