u/TheDude-D

I posted another one today, but that one was much longer—this one is shorter. Sorry if this is too much.

My ex left me after a 13-year relationship. That was two months ago. She’s already seeing a guy who hit on her right before we broke up. I’ve talked to her a lot—in fact, we’ve talked a lot about what wasn’t working anymore. She says she’s almost certain she doesn’t love me anymore. A few days ago, I suggested we talk in October to see where we stand. At first, she told me she wasn’t really sure, that we needed to stop talking because it was taking her back to the past. The next day, she sent me a message on her own, thanking me for my messages and saying they were helping her think everything through. And she told me that, after all, it was a good idea to talk in October, but that she didn’t know how things would turn out by then. What do you think?

My ex left me after a 13-year relationship. That was two months ago. She’s already seeing a guy who hit on her right before we broke up. I’ve talked to her a lot—in fact, we’ve talked a lot about what wasn’t working anymore. She says she’s almost certain she doesn’t love me anymore. A few days ago, I suggested we talk in October to see where we stand. At first, she told me she wasn’t really sure, that we needed to stop talking because it was taking her back to the past. The next day, she sent me a message on her own, thanking me for my messages and saying they were helping her think everything through. And she told me that, after all, it was a good idea to talk in October, but that she didn’t know how things would turn out by then. What do you think?

​

So, my ex broke up with me two months ago. The last four years had been really difficult for a number of reasons, and over the past year I ended up becoming unpleasant with her despite still loving her. Most importantly, I had basically stopped giving her attention. Of course, we both made mistakes — I’m definitely not the only one at fault — but I clearly have my share of responsibility.

A friend of mine hit on her just before she broke up with me. She was fairly receptive to it, told me about it, and said there was a serious problem between us. At first, she actually booked a couples therapy appointment herself, but ultimately decided she didn’t want to go through with it. After spending two weeks away from our home in an Airbnb to think, she eventually came back to tell me she was ending the relationship, and she moved out at the beginning of July.

She told me she no longer felt like herself in the relationship, that I had damaged her self-confidence, that she had suffered too much, and that she now needed to rebuild herself. She said she still loved me a lot, but that she was no longer in love with me.

I tried everything I could to convince her to change her mind.

At the end of July, she came back to pick up the last of her things. I had prepared some love notes and apologies for her. According to her, she had also come to finally close this chapter, and that’s when she told me she had started seeing that same friend.

For now, she says it’s nothing serious. She says the relationship gives her some lightness and helps rebuild the self-confidence she had seriously lost.

She says love is complicated for her at the moment and that, even though she likes him, she absolutely doesn’t want to settle down with anyone right now. She does admit that she’ll see how things develop, but for now she says that kind of commitment doesn’t interest her.

She still read my notes and was moved by them, and we ended up talking several times throughout that week — after barely speaking at all for most of the previous month. On the Friday of that week, she even started doubting her decision a little before pulling herself back together on Saturday.

We finally ended those conversations on Monday, with her telling me that she didn’t know exactly whether what she still felt for me was love or nostalgia. Since the beginning, she has told me that leaving me wasn’t easy. And since then, I can see that she herself is having trouble fully closing the door, although I’m obviously not making that any easier for her.

A week later, I asked her again what she thought she was feeling, while also telling her that I was struggling badly with her new relationship. She told me she needed to experience life without our connection in order to understand her feelings more clearly, that she was almost certain she didn’t love me anymore, but she also admitted that the thought of me moving on with someone else stung a little.

At one point I joked with her and said, “Don’t you want to meet the best version of myself that I’m becoming?” and she admitted that a part of her kind of dreams about that. (Yes, I know, I’m desperately clutching at straws here.)

She also says she has trouble forgiving me for the way I behaved, that she feels guilty about her own behaviour too, and that I deserve better than her. She told me that she is taking the risk of this separation knowing that either we might never find our way back to each other, or perhaps one day we might find each other again in a healthier way.

I’m holding on like crazy, so I suggested that we stay in touch from time to time to see how our connection develops. I told her that if we completely stop talking, we’ll never know what might have happened between us, and I’d also just like to hear how she’s doing occasionally.

I suggested that we talk again in two months. After all, we shared our lives from the ages of 17 to 30. She knows that I still have a lot of hope and that my reasons for wanting to stay in touch aren’t exactly neutral.

So, to wrap this up: the conversation I described in the previous two paragraphs happened on Tuesday. On Wednesday, she messaged me on her own and told me that we really needed to stop talking, that our conversations brought her back into the past too much, that they were stopping her from moving forward, and that she genuinely wasn’t sure anymore whether we would even talk again in October.

I told her that of course she was free to do whatever she wanted, that I thought it was a shame our conversations weren’t making her think more about the future instead of dragging her back into the past, and that I genuinely believed there could still be something between us if we did things differently.

The last four years really were hell because of personal problems on both sides, and over time those problems ended up completely transforming our relationship.

But I also told her that I was sure both of us would eventually be happy, whether that ended up being together or separately.

Since the breakup, we’ve basically laid everything on the table: everything that went wrong, how each of us felt, the causes, the consequences — pretty much everything. For the first time, we actually understand each other much better. We agree on almost all of the problems and on what happened. Where we mainly disagree is what should happen next. I want to try again in a completely different way. She doesn’t.

Then, the very next day, she messaged me again on her own to thank me for my messages. She said they were helping her a lot in thinking about everything, that she had changed her mind and now thought talking again in October was actually a good idea, but that she couldn’t tell me what things would look like by then.

Unfortunately, that gave me an insane amount of hope. I find that wording far too open-ended for me emotionally right now.

But the fact that she’s in another relationship — especially this relationship — is unbearable for me.

On top of that, this guy is a very strange person who eventually fell out with basically all of my friends after screwing each of them over in one way or another. Even I had stopped seeing him. She knew all of this, which makes her choice especially surprising to me.

Anyway, yeah. It’s a complete mess and I wanted to hear what you guys think.

Thanks to anyone who actually made it all the way to the end.

​

So, my ex broke up with me two months ago. The last four years had been really difficult for a number of reasons, and over the past year I ended up becoming unpleasant with her despite still loving her. Most importantly, I had basically stopped giving her attention. Of course, we both made mistakes — I’m definitely not the only one at fault — but I clearly have my share of responsibility.

A friend of mine hit on her just before she broke up with me. She was fairly receptive to it, told me about it, and said there was a serious problem between us. At first, she actually booked a couples therapy appointment herself, but ultimately decided she didn’t want to go through with it. After spending two weeks away from our home in an Airbnb to think, she eventually came back to tell me she was ending the relationship, and she moved out at the beginning of July.

She told me she no longer felt like herself in the relationship, that I had damaged her self-confidence, that she had suffered too much, and that she now needed to rebuild herself. She said she still loved me a lot, but that she was no longer in love with me.

I tried everything I could to convince her to change her mind.

At the end of July, she came back to pick up the last of her things. I had prepared some love notes and apologies for her. According to her, she had also come to finally close this chapter, and that’s when she told me she had started seeing that same friend.

For now, she says it’s nothing serious. She says the relationship gives her some lightness and helps rebuild the self-confidence she had seriously lost.

She says love is complicated for her at the moment and that, even though she likes him, she absolutely doesn’t want to settle down with anyone right now. She does admit that she’ll see how things develop, but for now she says that kind of commitment doesn’t interest her.

She still read my notes and was moved by them, and we ended up talking several times throughout that week — after barely speaking at all for most of the previous month. On the Friday of that week, she even started doubting her decision a little before pulling herself back together on Saturday.

We finally ended those conversations on Monday, with her telling me that she didn’t know exactly whether what she still felt for me was love or nostalgia. Since the beginning, she has told me that leaving me wasn’t easy. And since then, I can see that she herself is having trouble fully closing the door, although I’m obviously not making that any easier for her.

A week later, I asked her again what she thought she was feeling, while also telling her that I was struggling badly with her new relationship. She told me she needed to experience life without our connection in order to understand her feelings more clearly, that she was almost certain she didn’t love me anymore, but she also admitted that the thought of me moving on with someone else stung a little.

At one point I joked with her and said, “Don’t you want to meet the best version of myself that I’m becoming?” and she admitted that a part of her kind of dreams about that. (Yes, I know, I’m desperately clutching at straws here.)

She also says she has trouble forgiving me for the way I behaved, that she feels guilty about her own behaviour too, and that I deserve better than her. She told me that she is taking the risk of this separation knowing that either we might never find our way back to each other, or perhaps one day we might find each other again in a healthier way.

I’m holding on like crazy, so I suggested that we stay in touch from time to time to see how our connection develops. I told her that if we completely stop talking, we’ll never know what might have happened between us, and I’d also just like to hear how she’s doing occasionally.

I suggested that we talk again in two months. After all, we shared our lives from the ages of 17 to 30. She knows that I still have a lot of hope and that my reasons for wanting to stay in touch aren’t exactly neutral.

So, to wrap this up: the conversation I described in the previous two paragraphs happened on Tuesday. On Wednesday, she messaged me on her own and told me that we really needed to stop talking, that our conversations brought her back into the past too much, that they were stopping her from moving forward, and that she genuinely wasn’t sure anymore whether we would even talk again in October.

I told her that of course she was free to do whatever she wanted, that I thought it was a shame our conversations weren’t making her think more about the future instead of dragging her back into the past, and that I genuinely believed there could still be something between us if we did things differently.

The last four years really were hell because of personal problems on both sides, and over time those problems ended up completely transforming our relationship.

But I also told her that I was sure both of us would eventually be happy, whether that ended up being together or separately.

Since the breakup, we’ve basically laid everything on the table: everything that went wrong, how each of us felt, the causes, the consequences — pretty much everything. For the first time, we actually understand each other much better. We agree on almost all of the problems and on what happened. Where we mainly disagree is what should happen next. I want to try again in a completely different way. She doesn’t.

Then, the very next day, she messaged me again on her own to thank me for my messages. She said they were helping her a lot in thinking about everything, that she had changed her mind and now thought talking again in October was actually a good idea, but that she couldn’t tell me what things would look like by then.

Unfortunately, that gave me an insane amount of hope. I find that wording far too open-ended for me emotionally right now.

But the fact that she’s in another relationship — especially this relationship — is unbearable for me.

On top of that, this guy is a very strange person who eventually fell out with basically all of my friends after screwing each of them over in one way or another. Even I had stopped seeing him. She knew all of this, which makes her choice especially surprising to me.

Anyway, yeah. It’s a complete mess and I wanted to hear what you guys think.

Thanks to anyone who actually made it all the way to the end.

Résumé : Elle est dans une autre relation actuellement qu'elle qualifie de légère, j'ai bataillé comme je pouvais pour la convaincre d'essayer autrement. Elle dit qu'elle est presque sûr de ne plus m'aimer du tout mais qu'une part d'elle rêve un peu de découvrir une meilleure version de moi et l'idée que je fasse ma vie avec quelqu'un d'autre la pique un peu. Elle me dit qu'elle a besoin de se retrouver elle après avoir trop souffert et qu'elle fait ce choix au risque qu'on ne se retrouve jamais ou qu'on se retrouve mieux un jour. Je lui ai proposé qu'on parle en octobre, elle est revenue vers moi le lendemain en disant qu'il ne fallait plus qu'on parle et que ça la ramenait dans le passé et le lendemain elle est revenue spontanément vers moi pour me remercier de ce que je lui avais dis et que ça la faisait réfléchir à tout ça, que finalement parler en octobre était une bonne idée mais qu'elle ne sait pas ce qu'il en sera.

Voilà, mon ex s'est séparée de moi il y a 2 mois. Les 4 dernières années ont étés très lourdes pour diverses raisons et j'ai fini par être désagréable avec elle depuis l'année dernière malgré l'amour. Et surtout je ne lui donnais plus d'attention. Bon les torts sont partagés bien-sûr je ne suis pas le seul fautif mais j'ai clairement ma part de responsabilité.

Un ami à moi l'a draguée juste avant qu'elle rompe. Elle a été assez réceptive, m'en a parlé et m'a dit qu'il y avait un gros problème entre nous. Au début elle a pris elle même un rendez vous de thérapie de couple, qu'elle n'a finalement pas voulu faire. Finalement après 2 semaines où elle était partie de chez nous dans un Airbnb pour réfléchir, elle a décidé de revenir pour m'annoncer la rupture et elle a déménagé début Juillet. Elle me dit qu'elle ne s'y retrouvais plus, que je lui avais fait perdre sa confiance en elle et qu'elle avait trop souffert et qu'elle a maintenant besoin de se reconstruire. Qu'elle m'aimais toujours beaucoup mais qu'elle n'était plus amoureuse.

J'ai tout tenté pour la convaincre de changer d'avis.

Fin Juillet elle est revenu chercher ses dernières affaires, j'avais préparé des mots d'amour, d'excuses. Selon ses propres dires elle était venue aussi pour clôturer tout ça et m'a annoncé qu'elle s'était mise avec ce fameux ami. Pour l'instant rien de sérieux, ça lui apporte de la légèreté et de la confiance en elle dont elle manquait cruellement.

Que l'amour pour elle c'est compliqué en ce moment et que même si elle l'aime bien elle ne veut surtout pas se caser maintenant. Elle admet quand même qu'elle verra comment ça évoluera mais voilà pour l'instant ça ne l'intéresse pas.

Elle a quand même lu mes mots, a été émue puis finalement on a échangé plusieurs fois dans la semaine (on avait presque pas échangés du mois). Le vendredi de cette semaine là elle a même fini par douter un peu avant de se ressaisir le samedi. On a conclu nos échanges le lundi, par elle qui me disait qu'elle ne savait pas exactement si elle ressentait de l'amour ou de la nostalgie pour moi. Depuis le début elle me dit que ça n'a pas été facile de partir. Et depuis ça je vois qu'elle même a du mal à clôturer, en même temps je ne lui facilite pas la tâche.

Une semaine après je lui ai redemandé ce qu'elle pensait ressentir tout en lui disant que je vivais mal sa relation, elle m'a dit qu'elle avait besoin de vivre sans notre lien pour y voir plus clair, qu'elle était presque sûr de ne plus m'aimer, a admis que l'idée que je refasse ma vie la piquait un peu quand même et quand j'ai plaisanté un peu avec elle en disant "tu voudrais pas rencontrer la meilleure version de moi même que je deviens ?" Elle a admis qu'une part d'elle en rêvait un peu. (Oui je me raccroche aux branches). Elle me dit aussi qu'elle a du mal à me pardonner mes mauvais comportements, qu'elle s'en veut pour les siens et que je mérite mieux qu'elle. Et qu'elle prend le risque de la séparation pour soit qu'on ne se retrouve jamais sois qu'on se retrouve mieux.

Je m'accroche comme un fou alors je lui ai proposé qu'on reste en contact de temps en temps pour voir comment notre lien évolue, que si on ne se parle plus du tout nous ne saurons pas ce qu'il pourrait advenir de nous et aussi pour avoir quelques nouvelles de temps en temps. Je lui ai proposé qu'on se parle dans 2 mois. On a partagé notre vie de 17 à 30 ans après tout. Elle sait quand même que j'ai beaucoup d'espoir et que c'est une démarche intéressée.

Donc pour conclure, l'échange que je décris dans les 2 derniers paragraphes date de mardi, le mercredi elle m'a envoyé un message d'elle même pour me dire qu'il fallait vraiment qu'on arrête de parler, que ça la ramène trop dans le passé, que ça l'empêche d'avancer et qu'elle n'était vraiment pas sûre que nous parlerons en Octobre. Je lui ai répondu qu'elle faisait comme elle voulait de toute façon, que c'était dommage que nos échanges l'amène pas plus vers le futur, que moi je croyais vraiment à une possibilité pour nous en faisant les choses autrement (vraiment les 4 dernières années ont été un enfer à cause de problèmes perso des deux côtés et ça a finalement transformé notre relation) mais que j'étais sûr qu'elle comme moi finirons par être heureux que ce soit ensemble ou séparés. On a vraiment exposés tous ce qui n'allait pas depuis, nos ressentis enfin tout quoi. Les causes, les conséquences, on s'est enfin mieux compris. On partage les mêmes constats ou presque, on diverge surtout sur l'après. Moi je veux réessayer autrement, elle non.

Le lendemain elle m'a renvoyé un message pour me remercier des miens, que ça l'aidait beaucoup à réfléchir à tout ça et qu'elle trouvait que se parler en octobre était finalement une bonne idée, qu'elle ne peut pas me dire ce qu'il en sera par contre. Ça m'a malheureusement donné un espoir de fou. C'est une formulation que je trouve trop ouverte pour moi en ce moment.

Mais le fait qu'elle soit dans une relation, surtout dans celle ci c'est intenable pour moi. En plus c'est un mec très spécial qui a fini par s'embrouiller avec tous mes amis et leur a fait une crasse. Moi même j'avais fini par ne plus le voir. Elle était au courant de tout ça alors ce choix est vraiment étonnant.

Enfin voilà c'est un joyeux bordel je voulais votre avis.

Merci à ceux qui ont lus ça jusqu'au bout.

Voilà c'est une question toute bête, j'ai l'impression que pour les hommes ça ne change pas trop. En tout cas pour le côté physique. Quand je parle de l'attirance je veux dire que parfois pour le physique on préfère les grands ou les petits, plus ou moins gros, certains traits, la couleur de peau etc. Et mentalement ça peut être des gens extraverti, introvertie, plus ou moins gentil, fonceur etc

Edit : Je parle pas d'avoir 30 ans et d'être attiré par des mineurs arrêtés vos bêtises 😂

Bonjour tout le monde, alors je ne suis pas trans je suis un homme cis mais j'ai une gynécomastie importante. Vraiment j'ai des seins, je trouve même peu de photos sur internet qui ressemble à ce que j'ai. Si vous tapez gynécomastie. Je pense qu'à mon stade ce sera une massectomie.

Alors j'aurai aimé savoir si quelqu'un connaissait un bon chirurgien. Ou avoir le témoignage de gens dont le résultat est plaisant, les problèmes rencontrés etc.

Merci d'avance !😅

The trigger for the breakup was that she was hit on by a friend of mine. Things hadn't been going well between us for a while because of personal issues on both sides that eventually took a heavy toll on our relationship. I'd already posted about this before.

My “friend” who hit on her is a pretty odd guy—he used to make me laugh, but he’s had run-ins with a lot of our other mutual friends. And by his own admission, I was one of only two friends he still had. He’s really a little off his rocker. And, unsurprisingly, he’s never been able to keep a girlfriend for very long.

Yesterday she came to pick up her last few things—I helped her move into her new apartment for three days last month. And guess what she told me? She’s in a relationship with him, even though, according to her, it’s not really serious yet.

Seriously, what a joke—what a lack of respect. After 13 years together, she just runs off with this weirdo who used to be my buddy. And she has the nerve to tell me it has nothing to do with me and that it’s none of my business. Hell no, that’s not okay.

A month before the breakup, she was writing me love notes signed “your future Mrs. X”—who does that?

And here I am, the poor idiot who wrote her a poem last week and apologized a thousand times 😂

L'élément déclencheur de la rupture c'est qu'elle a été draguée par un ami à moi. Ça n'allait plus entre nous depuis un peu de temps à cause de problèmes perso des 2 côtés qui ont finis par nous impacter fortement. J'avais déjà fait des sujets là dessus.

Mon "ami" qui l'a dragué est un gars assez particulier, il me faisait rire moi mais il s'est embrouillé avec beaucoup d'autres amis commun. Et de son aveu j'étais un de ces 2 seuls amis. Il a vraiment un petit pète au casque. Et il a jamais su garder une copine très longtemps, forcément.

Hier elle est venue récupérer ses dernières affaires, je l'ai aidée à déménager dans son nouvel appartement pendant 3 jours le mois dernier. Et devinez ce qu'elle m'annonce ? Elle s'est mise en couple avec même si pour l'instant selon elle ce n'est pas bien sérieux encore.

Non mais quelle blague bordel mais quel irrespect, après 13 ans ensemble elle se tire direct avec ce mec bizarre qui était mon pote. Et ose me dire que ça n'a rien à voir avec moi et ne me regarde pas. Putain non ça passe pas.

1 mois avant la rupture elle m'écrivait des mots d'amour signés "ta future madame X" mais qui fait ça ?

Et moi le pauvre gland qui lui ai écrit un poème la semaine dernière et qui s'est excusé milles fois 😂

If so, how are you handling the relationship? And what do you think of my situation?

To be clear, I was dumped a month ago. We’d been having real problems in our relationship for the past year, and we struggled to deal with them. But for the past four years, our lives have been difficult because of issues outside the relationship. We did a lot of things we shouldn’t have.

In fact, I’ve been suffering from compassion fatigue since last year, so I really wasn’t a very nice partner most of the time. I was still attentive when it came to comfort and material things, but I was completely emotionally closed off and was pushing her away without even realizing it.

But just a few months ago, we still had plans for the future—she still believed in them. Two and a half months before we broke up, she wrote me a note saying she didn’t feel heard anymore, while also acknowledging that she’d asked a lot of me but that it was hurting her. That she still loved me with all her heart and was looking forward to us making our plans a reality (buying a house, maybe having children in the coming years, and getting married). That she was going to make an effort, and she signed her note “your future Mrs. X.” In the meantime, she also wrote me a note full of love, always signed the same way. A note she brought up again during our breakup, telling me that she was lying to herself and that she’d been wrong to write it.

My response to her note was simply to tell her that it wasn’t a problem and that she shouldn't worry, that I was also eager to make it all happen. I remained withdrawn, though. I clearly didn’t step up to turn things around—I only came to my senses after she left. There was a trigger that made her feel really bad in early May, and she told me we really needed to go to couples therapy, which I finally agreed to after she’d asked me multiple times over the previous months.

But a week after we made the appointment, she became hypervigilant because she felt very uncomfortable at our place, so she decided to leave for two weeks to think about whether we should ultimately break up—though she was pretty sure we should. We had one therapy session—reluctantly—during those two weeks because she didn’t want to go anymore, and she confirmed that she wanted to leave me, that we’d hurt each other too much, and that she no longer had any feelings for me.

I’m completely lost. We’ve been together for 13 years, and I so hope she changes her mind. I’m considering all possibilities, and yes, I’m trying to attribute this to PTSD as well—unfortunately. So please feel free to correct me.

I’m trying to find any glimmer of hope to hold onto because I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the idea of losing her.

If so, how are you handling the relationship? And what do you think of my situation?

To be clear, I was dumped a month ago. We’d been having real problems in our relationship for the past year, and we struggled to deal with them. But for the past four years, our lives have been difficult because of issues outside the relationship. We did a lot of things we shouldn’t have.

In fact, I’ve been suffering from compassion fatigue since last year, so I really wasn’t a very nice partner most of the time. I was still attentive when it came to comfort and material things, but I was completely emotionally closed off and was pushing her away without even realizing it.

But just a few months ago, we still had plans for the future—she still believed in them. Two and a half months before we broke up, she wrote me a note saying she didn’t feel heard anymore, while also acknowledging that she’d asked a lot of me but that it was hurting her. That she still loved me with all her heart and was looking forward to us making our plans a reality (buying a house, maybe having children in the coming years, and getting married). That she was going to make an effort, and she signed her note “your future Mrs. X.” In the meantime, she also wrote me a note full of love, always signed the same way. A note she brought up again during our breakup, telling me that she was lying to herself and that she’d been wrong to write it.

My response to her note was simply to tell her that it wasn’t a problem and that she shouldn't worry, that I was also eager to make it all happen. I remained withdrawn, though. I clearly didn’t step up to turn things around—I only came to my senses after she left. There was a trigger that made her feel really bad in early May, and she told me we really needed to go to couples therapy, which I finally agreed to after she’d asked me multiple times over the previous months.

But a week after we made the appointment, she became hypervigilant because she felt very uncomfortable at our place, so she decided to leave for two weeks to think about whether we should ultimately break up—though she was pretty sure we should. We had one therapy session—reluctantly—during those two weeks because she didn’t want to go anymore, and she confirmed that she wanted to leave me, that we’d hurt each other too much, and that she no longer had any feelings for me.

I’m completely lost. We’ve been together for 13 years, and I so hope she changes her mind. I’m considering all possibilities, and yes, I’m trying to attribute this to PTSD as well—unfortunately. So please feel free to correct me.

I’m trying to find any glimmer of hope to hold onto because I’m having a hard time coming to terms with the idea of losing her.

Si oui comment vous vivez la relation ? Et qu'est ce que vous pensez de mon cas ?

Pour être clair je me suis fait quitté il y a un mois, on avait de vrais problèmes dans notre relation depuis 1 an et on a eu du mal à gérer. Mais ça fait 4 ans qu'on a eu une vie difficile à cause de problèmes extérieur à la relation. On a fait plein de choses qu'il ne fallait pas faire.

En fait j'ai fait une fatigue de compassion depuis l'année dernière, j'étais vraiment pas un compagnon sympa la plupart du temps du coup. J'étais quand même attentionné sur le côté confort et matériel mais j'étais totalement renfermé émotionnellement et je la rejetais sans m'en rendre compte.

Seulement il y a encore quelques mois on avait des projets pour l'avenir, elle y croyait toujours. 2,5 mois avant la rupture elle m'écrivait un mot pour dire qu'elle ne se sentait plus trop entendue tout en disant qu'elle en avait demandé beaucoup mais que ça lui faisait du mal. Qu'elle m'aimait quand même de tout son cœur et qu'elle avait hâte que nous réalisions nos projets (achat de maison, peut être enfants dans les prochaines années et se marier). Qu'elle allait faire des efforts et elle a signé son mot "ta future madame X". Entre temps elle m'a aussi écrit un mot rempli d'amour toujours signé de la même manière. Mot qu'elle a repris pendant la rupture en me disant qu'elle se mentait à elle même et qu'elle s'était trompée en l'écrivant.

Ma réponse à son mot a juste été de lui dire qu'il n'y avait pas de problème et qu'elle ne devait pas s'inquiéter, que j'avais hâte aussi de concrétiser tout ça. Je suis resté renfermé quand même. J'ai clairement pas été à la hauteur pour rectifier le tire je me suis réveillé que quand elle est partie.

Il y a eu un élément déclencheur qui a fait qu'elle était vraiment mal début mai et elle m'a dit qu'il fallait vraiment qu'on fasse une thérapie de couple, que j'ai fini par accepter après de multiples demandes de sa part dans les mois précédents. Mais 1 semaine après avoir pris le rdv elle faisait de l'hypervigilance car elle était très mal à l'aise chez nous, a décidé de partir 2 semaines pour réfléchir a si finalement nous devions nous quitter, mais elle pensait bien que oui. On a fait 1 séance de thérapie a contre cœur durant ces 2 semaines car elle ne voulait plus la faire et elle m'a confirmé qu'elle voulait me quitter, que nous nous étions fait trop de mal et qu'elle n'avait plus de sentiments.

Je suis complètement perdu. Ça faisait 13 ans ensemble et j'espère tellement qu'elle change d'avis. Je regarde toutes les possibilités et oui j'essaie de mettre aussi ça sur le compte du SSPT malheureusement. Alors contredisez moi avec plaisir. J'essaie de trouver tout espoir auquel me raccrocher car j'ai du mal à me faire à l'idée de l'avoir perdue.

For 13 years, until last month, I lived with someone who has complex PTSD (from childhood sexual abuse) that resurfaced four years ago. It was very difficult; I ended up with compassion fatigue, and she decided to leave rather suddenly last month. I’m wondering how you manage to live with this disorder or with a partner who suffers from it?

Unfortunately, I’m looking for answers too late; I hope she’ll come back, but she no longer trusts us. I’m still curious to understand all the dynamics—it helps me feel better.

Sorry if this isn’t appropriate for this subreddit.

Well, obviously I'm asking this question because I want a little hope after being dumped.

To give some context to my situation: after four difficult years due to personal issues (she (F30l has PTSD that became severe in 2022, and I(M29) had to cope with a difficult bereavement five months earlier that lingered with me until the beginning of this year), we weren’t able to be there for each other properly. She had huge outbursts of anger because of that, and so did I at times. I’ll provide more details if needed.

We held on until 2024, then things slowly deteriorated and we spiraled downward; I’ve been emotionally distant from her since last year. She struggled all year, and I didn’t see her efforts—I was completely withdrawn. That caused her immense pain.

Now she’s lost trust; she says we each have too much of a “dark side” and that they’re way too much alike. That we weren’t able to build a life together. And that she doesn’t love me anymore—though she says a part of her will always love me; I think she’s talking about her dark side, unfortunately. Her feelings have changed. She tells me she’s leaving to live her own life, that we can’t make it work together.

We’d developed a codependency.

In short, I know things are looking grim, but we’ve clearly identified the problems we’ve faced and why we reacted the way we did. It’s just that, for me, with some work, I thought it was possible to make things right.

But she, for her part, doesn't want to anymore. So it's impossible.

TLDR : she broke up after 13 years because it was too painful; we had difficulties last year that were more my fault than hers, and she says she doesn't love me anymore.

Bon évidemment je pose la question parce que je veux un peu d'espoir après m'être fait quitter.

Pour le contexte de mon cas, après 4 ans difficile à cause de problèmes perso (elle a un SSPT qui s'est fortement déclaré en 2022 et moi j'ai du gérer un deuil difficile 5 mois auparavant qui m'a un peu poursuivi jusqu'à ce début d'année) on a pas su se révéler correctement.

On a tenu bon jusqu'en 2024 puis ça s'est lentement dégradé et on s'est enfoncés, je l'ai rejetée émotionnellement depuis l'année dernière. Elle a luttée toute l'année et je ne voyais pas ses efforts, j'étais complètement renfermé. Ça l'a fait énormément souffrir.

Maintenant elle n'a plus confiance, dis que nous avons une trop grande part d'ombre chacun et qu'elles s'entendent bien trop. Qu'on a pas su construire ensemble. Et qu'elle ne m'aime plus bien que selon elle une part d'elle m'aimera toujours, je pense qu'elle parle de sa part d'ombre malheureusement. Elle me dit qu'elle part pour vivre, qu'on y arrive pas ensemble.

On avait développé une codependance.

En bref je sais bien que c'est mal barré mais on a bien identifié les problèmes qu'on a rencontrés et le pourquoi nous avons réagis comme ca. Seulement pour moi avec du travail c'était possible de rattraper les choses. Mais elle ne veut plus. On a passé 9 ans assez super avant ça et on a a peu près les mêmes goûts et les mêmes souhaits pour l'avenir.

Bon évidemment je pose la question parce que je veux un peu d'espoir après m'être fait quitter.

Pour le contexte de mon cas, après 4 ans difficile à cause de problèmes perso (elle a un SSPT qui s'est fortement déclaré en 2022 et moi j'ai du gérer un deuil difficile 5 mois auparavant qui m'a un peu poursuivi jusqu'à ce début d'année) on a pas su se révéler correctement.

On a tenu bon jusqu'en 2024 puis ça s'est lentement dégradé et on s'est enfoncés, je l'ai rejetée émotionnellement depuis l'année dernière. Elle a luttée toute l'année et je ne voyais pas ses efforts, j'étais complètement renfermé. Ça l'a fait énormément souffrir.

Maintenant elle n'a plus confiance, dis que nous avons une trop grande part d'ombre chacun et qu'elles s'entendent bien trop. Qu'on a pas su construire ensemble. Et qu'elle ne m'aime plus bien que selon elle une part d'elle m'aimera toujours, je pense qu'elle parle de sa part d'ombre malheureusement. Elle me dit qu'elle part pour vivre, qu'on y arrive pas ensemble.

On avait développé une codependance.

En bref je sais bien que c'est mal barré mais on a bien identifié les problèmes qu'on a rencontrés et le pourquoi nous avons réagis comme ca. Seulement pour moi avec du travail c'était possible de rattraper les choses. Mais elle ne veut plus. On a passé 9 ans assez super avant ça et on a a peu près les mêmes goûts et les mêmes souhaits pour l'avenir.