I can't stop caring about what people think
I hate it so much. Every action, everything I say, every decision I make, it's all dependent on what others would think. even if no one will know. I often imagine someone watching me through my eyes, or interviewing me in a podcast, or asking me for help. I constantly check my post history to see how many interactions I get. If all of that wasn't hilarious enough, all the effort in my decisions result in awkward reactions from others, it hurts me emotionally, and the cycle repeats. Self esteem isn't a thing for me. I'm not enough if people don't think so. No matter how "self aware" I might be, no matter how much I know this is trivial, it's something that has been internalized.
The thing is, I used to be what I'm trying to become. The people I knew would often say some really nice things to me. They would listen to what I say, they wouldn't give me strange looks, they would laugh at my jokes, etc. Then, let's just say, something traumatizing has happened to me, and now I'm like this.